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What if everything you thought you knew about relationships was missing a crucial piece? That's the revelation Dr. Banu İbaoğlu Vaughn had despite years of clinical psychology training. "There comes a moment in each relationship where the pain of childhood comes to the surface, and that's what you wrestle with," she shares, recounting the transformative insight that changed her 25-year marriage.
This episode introduces the powerful concept of "relational literacy" – the fundamental understanding of why relationships function as they do and how this knowledge helps us sustain meaningful connections. Dr. Banu brilliantly reframes conflict as "growth trying to happen," offering a perspective that turns relationship challenges from threats into opportunities for profound personal evolution.
Through vulnerable stories from her own marriage, Dr. Banu demonstrates how our unconscious patterns inevitably emerge in intimate relationships. She describes a recent revelation about interpreting her husband's helpfulness as judgment – a reaction rooted in childhood experiences of criticism – and how awareness of this pattern created space for healing and deeper connection.
The conversation explores the delicate balance between safety and aliveness that sustains long-term relationships. As Dr. Banu explains, "Humans are always conflicted between safety and aliveness. Safety is really important to stay alive. At the same time, safety, when above a certain degree, gets in the way of being alive." This tension creates the creative possibility for growth when approached with curiosity and compassion.
Ready to transform how you understand and navigate your most important relationships? Listen now to gain insights that aren't taught in school but are essential for creating relationships where both partners can thrive. How might your relationship change if you approached conflict as an opportunity rather than a problem?

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Thank you for joining me today on the Relationship Blueprint. Remember, don't let life happen to you. You can be the architect of your relationships. So join me next time on the Relationship Blueprint; Unlock Your Power of Connection.
Contact Colleen at [email protected] for questions or to be a guest on the show!