Why Empaths Struggle With Boundaries (And How to Fix It Without Becoming ‘Cold’ or ‘Mean’)

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

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3d ago 16:43

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Why Empaths Struggle With Boundaries (And How to Fix It Without Becoming ‘Cold’ or ‘Mean’)

If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and instantly felt guilty — this episode is your wake-up call.
Christy breaks down why empaths struggle to say no, how childhood conditioning wires you to overgive, and the exact mindset shifts that help you protect your peace without losing your warmth.

You’ll learn why your nervous system panics when you speak up, how to rewire that fear, and how to find that sweet spot between kindness and self-abandonment.

Because boundaries don’t make you cold — they make your love sustainable. 💖

✨ In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

Why empaths confuse love with self-sacrifice
The “nice girl” myth that keeps women stuck in burnout
How to tell if you’re saying yes out of love or fear
The nervous-system reason boundaries feel “wrong”
How to set limits without guilt, shame, or freezing up

👑 Your Next Step in Healing

✨ Ready to set boundaries that actually stick — without the guilt spiral?
My Empowered Boundaries Course will walk you step-by-step through how to protect your peace, voice, and energy (without losing your heart).

🎓 10 video modules + meditation bundle + lifetime access
💻 Enroll here → shethrives.thrivecart.com/empowered-boundaries

Book a 1:1 Coaching Session →

GOLD PACKAGE Coaching and Somatic Healing Session :shethrives.thrivecart.com/journey-to-peace-coaching-blueprint
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PLATINUM PACKAGE: SAVE and BONUSES when you go on a DEEP transformational 3 month journey! https://shethrives.thrivecart.com/transformational-coaching-quarterly/

💌 More Ways to Connect

Grab your FREE Boundaries Pocket Guide → Christyjade.ck.page/ce79ea9250
Join the Free Facebook Community → facebook.com/groups/christyjade

TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello Queens. Have you ever tried to set a boundary and immediately felt like you were the villain? Let's talk about why that happens and how to protect your peace without losing that beautiful, gorgeous heart of yours. Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun.

(00:58)
So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up. All right, so you've probably been called maybe too sensitive, too nice or too much at some point. I've been called all of those at one point or another in my life. And as an empath, you've learned to read the room, anticipate people's needs, and we love to fix. So maybe fix all the vibes even when it costs you your own piece, right? So here's the truth though. You don't necessarily have a boundaries problem that might be more of a symptom of a different problem, which not everyone talks about, but I'm here to talk about the things we don't talk about. You have a fear of being misunderstood, problem.

(02:04)
You have a fear of being misunderstood. So deep down, you may not actually be afraid of saying no. You more are afraid of being seen and perceived as someone who does not care or who is not empathetic because you in fact, do care and you don't want to be seen as something you are not. So you're afraid, not of the boundary itself, but what the reaction to the boundary will be. So this episode is your permission slip to finally say, I can be kind and still protect my peace. So let's get into it. Why empaths struggle? So first of all, you were conditioned to prioritize connection over comfort. And that could be from your childhood. You could have earlier family dynamics where you were rewarded for self-sacrifice. So like, oh, you're such a good girl when you help, right? And yes, we want to instill that in our kids, but it could go to an unhealthy level where it's always based around you pushing outside of yourself to do something for others.

(03:30)
Or you could also have been punished for any self-assertion or calling things out that didn't seem right. Even if you did it in a nice kind way, or when you saw something wasn't fair and you vocalized it, you could have been punished for that, right? So your nervous system equates someone else's comfort with safety due to that. So setting boundaries can feel dangerous in your body associated with if you do set a boundary, if you do call the thing out or want to have a conversation about something and it didn't go well as a child, or maybe it won your first relationships, romantic or friendship, anything, wherever this came from, it feels like danger. When you go to that place of, oh, maybe I will address this. It's like, oh, no, nevermind. Right? That started somewhere. So your nervous system doesn't know you're setting a boundary.

(04:33)
It really thinks you're about to lose love, because that at some point is probably what it felt like. And again, that could be any part of life, any person where that did start somewhere. And then we've got the nice girl myth. So society glamorizes being endlessly accommodating, especially for women. Can I get a what? Thank you. So you were taught that nice means agreeable, not authentic. When you think of authentic or unapologetic, it has this kind of negative connotation in our society, except in the women empowerment circles like here, but in general, nice is agreeable, and that does not necessarily go hand in hand. And narcissists love this because they sense who will bend for them before they even ask, right before they even really have to figure it out. So you've been praised for being easygoing or accommodating when you are actually probably just emotionally exhausted.

(05:54)
Okay? So what is the fix here without becoming the cold one that you don't want to have. By the way, since I've built boundaries, I definitely have been called cold, but I also, I got to a point where I first did boundaries in kind of a softer, more loving way, which you can. And then the more I got confidence and trust in myself and realized how jacked up so many people had treated me and what I accepted and realized like, wait, that's not cool. And turned around. I did get a little more hard and people called me cold. But also, some might call you cold, even if you are coming at a boundary with love because they're not used to it and they don't want it to happen. So especially a narcissist will make it a negative thing that you're standing up or even trying to have a conversation about anything because it's not going their way when you're actually standing up for yourself or even just wanting a normal, rational discussion. So they're going to flip it, gaslight you, call you cold, all that stuff. You're not cold, you warm and hot baby. No, but you are just standing up for yourself. So what is the fix without becoming this cold person? We don't want to be so boundaries. Remember this, and I've said it before, I'll say it again. They're not walls, okay? They're doors with locks. And you get to choose who comes in and when. Okay? So remember that.

(07:41)
Two, you don't need to swing from one extreme to the other, from super people pleaser to ice queen. There is a middle ground. And as long as your intention is good and about protecting you, it's not trying to control someone else. That's a big difference. You're not trying to control anybody or be mean to anybody. You're trying to control what's happening to you, and you are wanting to have peace in your life, and that is not cold. That is not mean. You're not mean for wanting peace and to protect yourself, okay? I want you to maybe write that down. I am not mean or cold for wanting peace and protection, okay? There's a middle ground there. So you don't have to be a huge, I mean, I've done it a couple times and I'm not even mad at that. It was certain situations I feel like it was, I was pushed, and I'm not saying I did anything crazy, but I might've had an attitude.

(08:47)
Maybe there was a little curse word. I know. All right, so here's some shifts you can do. There's three we can start with. There's a bunch of different things in the somatic healing. I do totally helps with all of this stuff. So if you want to sign up for sessions with me, always look in the show notes and you can find out how to sign up for sessions. So the three shifts, number one, pause before you answer, and you have to regulate in some way. And I've talked about some of these ways already many times in my podcast, especially the Thrive in Fives on Thursdays, those shorter episodes, and there's a lot of regulation, somatic healing, all of that good stuff, little bits, fast things you can do to regulate before you respond. Two, check your motive. Are you saying yes to something out of love or fear? I'm going to guarantee 98% of the time it's probably out of fear, especially if you're dealing with a narky.

(09:53)
So if it's out of fear, heck no, queen, you're a queen. You don't do stuff out of fear. No way you can say no. You can say it with love. You can protect yourself without being cold or an a-hole. You can say, I'm trying to think of a quick example here. And by the way, I have scripts that I will put in the show notes too that are awesome for dealing with narcissists. I'm trying to think off the top of my head. Someone comes at you, and let's say you're, I know that's a lot, and someone says, we're switching your ex, or whatever, we're switching weekends and you're really shitty if you won't do it because this is going to hurt me and the kids. And then if you won't switch the weekend because Baba, X, Y, Z, all the reasons, and you say, I'm sorry you feel that, that's going to hurt you, but I'm not able to switch this weekend and they're going to come back.

(10:59)
They always do. Well, fuck you, and you know what else? And guilt you and whatever. And you're going to say, okay, again, I'm not able to do that this weekend. Have a nice day. You don't even have to be that nice, but if you want to, I know a lot of you want to save your face out there, so you want to stay sparkly, okay? And three, use gentle honesty, right? That's exactly what I'm saying. So I got a little ahead of myself, but if this is someone you do love, if this is, let's say a mother, you have to be a little more gentle if you want to maintain a relationship, a distant relationship maybe, or a very boundaried relationship. I love you, but I need to say no to this right now. Okay, I love you, but I need to say no, or I love you.

(11:48)
But other example, I can't do X, Y, Z. And you don't have to take the and give a million reasons either. And my husband actually taught me that. I remember one day this was in our old house, and I was sitting there late at night all in my head about, oh gosh, I have to say no to this RSVP. It wasn't like a big boundary, but it proves a point. And he's the nicest, sweetest guy out there. But I'm sitting there and I'm like, well, there's all these reasons. I said, they're going to think I'm making this up at this point. There's three different reasons that I can't go.

(12:25)
And he said, why do you have to give reasons? And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, can't you just say that you can't make it? And I was like, oh, well, I guess I could say that. But it felt so weird and foreign to me. I was so used to because of narcissists in my life, having to explain myself all the time, you don't have to. Don't take the bait. Say, you know what? I am unable to go have a great time. That's for an RSVP, RSVP. Did I say that right? But the gentle honesty, I'm going to have to say no to this, or I can't switch weekends, whatever it is. So true. Kindness doesn't drain you, right? So it's not kindness, it's condition. We've been conditioned for certain things, so we're unconditioning ourselves and we're going to be true to ourselves while still being fair.

(13:33)
Nice. You can still be nice if it's someone you want to keep a relationship with, it can still be loving. I love you, but I'm going to have to say no to this. That's it. And the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Like anything, right? It's kind of like a muscle. You're not used to it and it feels bad to you because of how you've been conditioned. But believe me, it gets much easier. I've definitely walked the boundary line where I started kind of terrified of setting boundaries, especially with specific people. And now I am a boundary queen, and you can be one too. Yay. So if this episode hit home, there's also My Empowered Boundaries course. This is an epic, epic course. It's 10 prerecorded videos that you want. If you have trouble setting boundaries this, and you can go click on it and read about the details of it, it's a lot for me to spit out right now that I'm telling you, it is a life changer game changer.

(14:39)
If you can't commit or have the time, the investment to work one-on-one with me, and you're looking for boundary help, this is an amazing, amazing course. And yes, I'm biased, but I'm also awesome. I'm just kidding. And if you want to do one-on-one, that's where, yes, we do boundaries, but we do so much more. The one-on-one work, the somatic healing, the healing from the body, truly like deep ingrained healing, lasting healing, it's something that you just can't quite understand until you do it. So if you want to sign up for sessions, again, everything is always in the show notes. And also make sure you're following me on the podcast so you don't miss my episodes. Thursdays, I have Thrive in Five. They're shorter like mini episodes, and they're always related to the previous Tuesday episode. So yeah, they kind of go hand in hand every week and they're fun. Yay. So make sure you're following so you don't miss any episodes. So what is it? What are we talking about here? Boundaries. They're not cold. They're how you actually keep your warmth from being wasted on the wrong people. So set those boundaries with the people that need them. And what's, oh, I love that quote. Can I think of it? One of my favorite quotes? Oh, man. It's like the only, or the people shoot something about the people who have a problem with your boundaries are the ones that need them the most or something. I don't think that's it, but you get the gist. Okay? So protect your peace queen. The world needs your heart, right? I will catch you in the next episode. Smooches.

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