AuDHD And The Holidays: Navigating The Holiday Hustle And Overwhelm Authentically ADHD With Carmen podcast

Content provided by Where the chaos of ADHD meets self-acceptance, growth, and a whole lot of authenticity, Where the chaos of ADHD meets self-acceptance, and A whole lot of authenticity. All podcast content including episodes, graphics, and podcast descriptions are uploaded and provided directly by Where the chaos of ADHD meets self-acceptance, growth, and a whole lot of authenticity, Where the chaos of ADHD meets self-acceptance, and A whole lot of authenticity or their podcast platform partner. If you believe someone is using your copyrighted work without your permission, you can follow the process outlined here https://podcastplayer.com/legal.

Authentically ADHD with Carmen »
AuDHD and the Holidays: Navigating the Holiday Hustle and Overwhelm

23h ago 31:47

MP3•Episode home

Hello and welcome to another episode of Authentically ADHD. I’m Carmen, and today we’re diving into how the holiday season feels through the eyes (and brain) of someone with AuDHD – that is, co-occurring autism and ADHD. For many of us, the holidays can feel less “holly jolly” and more like a perfect storm of stress. In this episode we’ll explore why the season can be extra hard, what it looks and feels like, and science-backed strategies to survive (and maybe even enjoy) the holidays. Whether you’re a newly diagnosed adult or a parent of a neurodivergent child, this one’s for you.

What Is AuDHD? (Autism + ADHD)

First, a quick science check. Autism and ADHD often go hand in hand. In fact, research suggests roughly 50–70% of autistic people also meet criteria for ADHD. Likewise, about two-thirds of people with ADHD have another condition like autism. In plain terms, having AuDHD means your brain experiences both sets of traits – the social-pragmatic and sensory sensitivities of autism and the attention-dopamine challenges of ADHD.

This combination can feel like a constant tug-of-war in the mind. One part of you craves novelty and spontaneity (hello, ADHD!), while another part craves predictability and routine (hello, autism!). Imagine loving new experiences but also needing your favorite cookie recipe exactly the same every year. The result? It can be disorienting: you might feel like you “don’t fit” neatly into either camp. Some people with AuDHD describe it as an internal “tug-of-war” or seesaw: one side impulsive and messy, the other organized and anxious to plan.

In practice, AuDHD often means compensating and crashing. For example, someone’s autism-driven focus might compensate for their ADHD-driven distractibility at work, or vice versa – ADHD-driven chaos can overwhelm autistic need-for-order, leaving them paralyzed by overwhelm. Dopamine is also at play: ADHD brains naturally crave dopamine and may impulsively seek novelty to get it. This can collide with autistic routines (which prefer sameness), causing even more internal conflict. All of this can be exhausting, but it also means AuDHD brains are vividly tuned in and often intensely creative. Think of it as life on high-intensity mode – colorful and chaotic, requiring constant balancing.

Why the Holidays Are Extra Challenging

Now layer on the holidays, and the pressure cooker heats way up. Even neurotypical people report elevated stress: one survey found 62% of adults felt “very or somewhat” more stressed during the holidays than at other times of year. But for AuDHD brains, the holidays can amplify every stressor:

Routines Disrupted: The holidays upend our anchors. School break means new daily rhythms, late nights, irregular meals – everything that might keep an autistic-AuDHD person grounded gets flipped. As one ND observer notes, “routines are often our anchor, and when they’re pulled away, it can leave us adrift”. Even small changes (late start on Monday, new host home, delayed bedtime) can throw our whole system off.

Sensory Overload: Holiday sights, sounds, and smells come at you hard. Think bright lights, loud music, clanging dishes, lots of chatter, and maybe even firecrackers or poppers. These environments can push a neurodivergent nervous system into sensory overwhelm. In fact, decorations blaring carols while a dozen relatives talk at once – that’s the classic recipe for sensory overload. Neuroscience explains it as bombarding the five senses: your brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, and it can stay on high alert even after you’re home. One ADHD resource describes this: “the body’s nervous system shifts into ‘fight-or-flight’ mode… After the event, the body may remain on high alert, struggling to return to a relaxed baseline – leading to fatigue, overstimulation, and emotional shutdown.”. In short, holiday clamor can fry an AuDHD brain.

Social and Family Dynamics: Holidays often mean forced proximity. You’re expected to play nice at a crowded party, join in traditions, maybe hug or kiss relatives, and make small talk. That’s a lot of unstructured social juggling. Neurodivergent people often need more downtime than society assumes, but the holidays cram intense social demands into the shortest days of winter. Feeling like you should be joyful and festive can clash with feeling drained, anxious, or withdrawn. This is the “disconnect between ‘should’ and ‘feel’” one psychologist talks about: everyone else is pretending joy, but you might feel agitated, melancholic, or exhausted instead. In fact, holiday stress can bring out “regressive” feelings: snapping at family, ruminating on past hurts, or longing for a perfect moment that never happens.

Executive Overload: Then there’s all the planning and to-dos. Making a menu, shopping for gifts, wrapping, hosting – the holiday season can demand supercharged executive function. Neuroscience shows that high demands on the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s planning center) can impair memory and even slow down new brain cell growth. In other words, tackling 1,000 tasks can literally short-circuit our focus and memory. A coaching article notes that the “mental burden” of remembering everything impedes memory and interferes with brain-cell production. Even if you usually manage your ADHD well, the holiday juggle can make you feel like you’re losing control. It’s no wonder stress and forgetfulness skyrocket.

Emotional Intensity: Holidays can stir deep emotions. The idea of a “perfect family celebration” is a myth, and that gap can trigger sadness, anxiety, or frustration. A 1950s concept called “Holiday Syndrome” described it well: diffuse anxiety, irritability, helplessness, and nostalgic/bitter rumination about past experiences. Many people (autistic or not) feel a low-grade hum of agitation or melancholy under the tinsel and carols If you’re also AuDHD, ADHD’s emotional dysregulation can supercharge those feelings. Research on ADHD shows that after a high-energy event, brains can “crash” with deep fatigue or emptiness as dopamine levels plummet. So after a big family gathering you might feel emotionally drained – like you’ve hit a wall. As one expert puts it, the ADHD brain gets a dopamine surge in the moment, then a drop afterward, leading to confusion and exhaustion. Cue the tears or irritability after the decorations are taken down.

In short, every holiday pressure – social expectations, sensory chaos, broken routines, endless chores – hits AuDHD brains all at once. It’s like the perfect neurodivergent stress cocktail. One Autism/ADHD coach even calls the holidays “every AuDHD stressor at once”: unpredictability + social evaluation + sensory intensity + disrupted routines. No wonder we might feel totally fried by Dec 25.\

FOCUSED & PATREON AD

What It Feels Like: Overwhelm, Meltdowns, and Masking

So what does all that actually feel like? Picture this: You step into a brightly lit living room filled with holiday music, clinking dishes, and chatty people. Immediately, your senses are on high alert. You feel your heart rate up (fight-or-flight kick in), your thoughts start racing, and your tolerance for noise plummets. You might grit your teeth through forced smiles, struggling to follow 5 conversations at once. In that moment, you’re using every bit of your brain’s executive function – planning what to say, filtering stimulation, remembering everyone’s names, and suppressing the urge to bolt for silence. It’s exhausting.

Later, when you finally escape, you might hit the proverbial wall. Suddenly you feel mentally numb, weepy, or totally blank. This is the classic AuDHD “crash.” As one ADHD writer explains, after the stimulus ends “your brain experiences a dopamine drop – leading to emotional disorientation, fatigue, or a deep sense of emptiness.”. You could become super-snappy or oversensitive (even minor things trigger tears or rage). You might replay awkward conversations and feel a wave of guilt or paranoia. Or you might simply withdraw – closing your eyes, zoning out, or curling up until you “recharge.” These aren’t just mood swings; they’re neurological reactions to overload.

Kids and adults alike can shut down too – becoming nonverbal, hiding, or refusing to participate. You might have meltdowns (full emotional blow-ups) or shutdowns (going blank). It might look like bursts of crying, rage, or stimming (repetitive self-soothing behaviors). This is especially common if surprises disrupt expected plans. And if you’re masking (pretending to be “normal”), this takes even more energy. One psychologist notes that neurodivergent folks “must mask extra hard” during holidays when everyone expects cheer, which makes us even more exhausted and anxious.

If you’re a parent, you might watch your neurodivergent child display these behaviors. Maybe your teen suddenly “shuts down” mid-game, or your kindergarten child bursts into tears over a drop of water on a new shirt. They might meltdown over something as small as being served pie in a different dish, or hyperfocus on one toy ignoring the party around them. Either way, the feeling inside is similar: overwhelmed, dysregulated, and just done.

It may help to know: You are not alone and not wrong. Feeling relief when others appear joyful, or feeling resentful for holiday expectations, is normal for AuDHD brains. Our nervous systems truly react differently under holiday stress. The good news from neuroscience is that holiday stress is usually acute, not chronic – our brains tend to bounce back once the season is over. But during the season, we need real strategies to cope.

Science-Backed Strategies for Managing Overwhelm

Now, let’s talk solutions. Neurobiology isn’t just doom and gloom – it also suggests practical fixes. Below are some evidence-informed strategies that target the very stressors we discussed. Think of these as your AuDHD holiday survival kit. You don’t have to use all of them, but the more you prepare your brain, the smoother this season can be.

1. Maintain Structure and Routine

Whenever possible, keep some normalcy. Research on executive function shows that routines are crucial anchors for neurodivergent minds. Try to stick to regular sleep and meal times as much as you can, even if other parts of your day change. For example: have dinner at 6 pm even if everyone else is having it late, or set an alarm for your usual bedtime. The coaching advice is to plan in advance: make checklists of tasks (shopping, wrapping, cooking) and schedule them early. Use calendars, alarms, or apps to remind you of things – our brains are already overloaded without trying to store all holiday details. Planning also includes travel: if you have to visit family, confirm details (who’s hosting, what’s served) beforehand so it’s not a surprise.

Visual supports can help too. For kids and adults, a visual schedule (even just on your phone) outlining “Friday: drive to grandma’s house; Saturday: gift-opening 10am, game night 6pm” can ground you. Advanced Autism Services recommends creating a visual map of the event with times and people. Even as an adult, knowing the plan lowers anxiety. Similarly, preparing your child with social stories or role-playing can make gatherings feel more predictable.

Finally, keep your exercise and self-care rituals. The Harvard team reminds us that even holiday parties need cognitive flexibility – which is easier when the brain is well-restedt. So keep up that morning run or evening walk, even if it’s just 10 minutes. Exercise releases stress-fighting chemicals in the brain, which can buffer holiday overload.

2. Plan and Prioritize (Executive Function Hacks)

You can’t do everything, so delegate and prioritize ruthlessly. Which traditions truly matter to you? Focus on those, and let go of the rest. A coach suggests making a short list of top priorities (maybe it’s one family dinner and a small gift exchange) and kindly declining additional activities. It’s okay to skip a party or leave early – your brain’s health is non-negotiable. If shopping is a drain, try online or streamlined gift ideas (gift cards, experience gifts, or even “cookies night in” kits). The key is reducing last-minute tasks, which spike stress.

Use tools to help: create gift lists on your phone, set reminders a week before each event, or use productivity apps that break big chores into small steps. Even ADHD coaches agree: “Last-minute tasks are particularly stress-inducing, so plan everything in advance that you can.”. Plan your outfits, plan travel routes, plan what to say when Uncle Bob cracks a joke (maybe even a safe “exit phrase” if conversation gets intense!). This way the unexpected becomes expected, which grounds the AuDHD brain.

3. Communicate and Delegate

You don’t have to go it alone. Talk to your holiday co-pilots. If you have a partner or roommate, divide and conquer chores. Explain that you might need help with certain tasks – maybe they handle gift wrapping while you focus on meal prepping, for example. If you’re a parent, team up with other parents: one person watches the kids while the other cooks. NFIL suggests checking in with your support network about feelings and plans.

Crucially, set boundaries. Let family and friends know your limits. It’s totally okay to say things like “I’m sensitive to crowds and might need a quiet break” or “I’ll stay for an hour then take a walk around the block.” As one psychologist notes, neurodivergent people are often more sensitive to holiday stressors like forced gatherings and touching. So be your own advocate: politely excuse yourself to a quiet room, or step outside for air. You might even create a “signal” with a buddy if social exhaustion hits and you need help quietly bowing out. Remember that boundaries mean self-respect – you deserve to protect your peace.

4. Sensory Self-Care

Combat sensory overload proactively. Bring your tools and safe spaces. Noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds can be a lifesaver when the living room booms with music and chatter. Sunglasses (indoors if needed!) can soften bright lights. Keep a fidget (stress ball, textured toy, or something to squeeze) in your pocket or a weighted lap blanket in the car. Even carrying a familiar scented hand lotion or a small plush can ground you when stress spikes.

If possible, help “sensory-proof” the holiday environment. Offer a sensory-friendly zone at home or the party venue – a quiet corner with dim lights and comfy seating. Advanced Autism tips say designating a quiet space with calming items (like weighted blankets or favorite objects) gives everyone a place to recharge. Make it explicit: let family know, “I might head to the quiet room when I need a break.” You’ll avoid confusion or hurt feelings. If you feel overload coming on, take that break. Step outside, do some deep breathing, stare at the horizon for a minute. Science suggests that even a few moments of sensory downtime can reset your nervous system.

On the topic of sensory input: eat mindfully. If bright lights and noise scramble your nerves, having a calming snack (water, a snack with protein) can help level you out. Avoid too much sugar or caffeine spikes if possible – they can worsen anxiety and crash you even more. (ADHD brains often crave carbs, as notes, but balancing with proteins can stabilize energy.) Also, be mindful of smells or textures that bother you – if Aunt’s potpourri is too much, step back or move to another room.

5. Emotional Regulation and Self-Compassion

Give yourself grace. The holiday season often brings up big feelings (nostalgia, grief, anxiety). It’s okay to feel less than jolly. Dr. Megan Neff calls it the disconnect between what we “should” feel and what we actually feel. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment. You don’t have to force a smile or pretend you’re loving every moment if you’re not. In fact, research on emotion in ADHD underscores that we have real neurobiological reasons for our intense feelings.

Build in emotional checkpoints. Throughout the day, pause and ask yourself: “How am I doing? Am I overwhelmed?” If you notice tension in your shoulders or tightening in your chest, respond with a known calming strategy: this could be deep, slow breathing (even 4-4-4 breaths: inhale 4 seconds, hold 4, exhale 4), grounding (feel your feet on the floor, notice three things around you), or a short visualization (imagine a peaceful scene). Even a quick stretch can shock your body out of fight-or-flight mode.

Remember, you don’t have to be “on” 100%. It’s okay to sit quietly and read a book while others chat, or scroll on your phone for a mental break. Taking care of yourself isn’t rude – it’s survival. The Neurodivergent Notes author puts it well: start by “acknowledging that the holiday season can be hard” and giving yourself permission to feel off or “not OKay”. You might even mentally prepare a mantra: “I do not have to be perfect. My feelings are valid.” Repeat that if family guilt trips start to chatter in your mind.

If anxiety or irritation spikes, try reframing: nothing says every moment has to be merry. You can enjoy the smell of pine or the glow of lights without absorbing all the chaos. Keep reminding yourself: “This is just one season. I’ll get through it, and then I can relax.” As Harvard experts note, holiday stress is acute – it will subside once the season passes. Meanwhile, lean into what you find comforting: maybe a warm tea by yourself, a brief nap, or a fun playlist in your headphones.

6. Navigate Family Dynamics and Traditions

Families can be great, but holiday families can also trip alarm bells. If certain traditions or relatives trigger you, it’s OK to modify or skip them. Brainstorm alternatives: If large dinners are a nightmare, how about a small movie night with a couple people you feel safe around? If gift exchanges stress you, propose a simpler plan (e.g. Secret Santa with a modest budget, or letting kids pick one special gift each). Decline invitations graciously: “Thank you for having me, but I’ll pass this time” is perfectly acceptable. People might not get it, but the goal is to keep you well, not please them.

For parents of AuDHD kids: many of these strategies apply to your child too. Prepare them with visuals or previews of events, pack their favorite quiet toys, and have an exit strategy if they get overwhelmed. Engage them in something structured during gatherings (e.g. start a puzzle together, or have a “gift wrap station” where they help with one thing – giving them focus and predictability). Communicate with other family members about your child’s needs ahead of time: “X is sensitive to noise, we have headphones ready if needed.” Even young children can be taught a safe word or signal for a break.

During gatherings, consider creating a “sensory diet” space even for neurodivergent adults. If you’re hosting, put out a bowl of noise-canceling earbuds, a quiet corner with pillows, or a weighted lap blanket on the couch. Make an announcement like, “Feel free to take a breather in the den if it gets loud!” This normalizes it for everyone. If family members don’t understand, you might need a gentle explanation: “I have ADHD/autism – sometimes I process things differently. I just need a little downtime every now and then.” Hopefully, they’ll respect that.

7. Focus on Joy and Acceptance

Finally, try to anchor yourself in the parts of the holidays you do enjoy. Maybe it’s a cherished tradition, a favorite scented candle, watching a goofy holiday movie, or hanging with a person (or pet) who always makes you smile. Plan one or two little moments you look forward to, and treat those as gifts to yourself. It could be 15 minutes alone playing a video game, stepping outside to gaze at the stars, or savoring hot cocoa. These tiny rituals can ground you.

And remember: it does not have to be the “perfect” holiday. The mantra from neuroscientists and psychologists is to keep expectations realistic. The Harvard article even reminds us: holidays are “just another time of year”. What matters is that you’re safe and okay. If you spend the evening in pajamas binge-watching rather than hosting a feast, that’s fine. You get to decide what this season means to you.

Above all, be gentle with yourself. As the holiday advice goes: give yourself permission to be a bit Grinchy. It’s okay if you feel like “more Scrooge than Hallmark hero” – that feeling is valid. By acknowledging that and taking small steps to care for yourself, you give your brain the buffer it needs. The goal isn’t to force holiday cheer; it’s to manage the chaos in ways that serve you, not deplete you.

You’ve Got This (One Step at a Time)

The holidays might be tricky for AuDHD brains, but you now have a toolbox of strategies informed by science and experience. To recap: Plan and prioritize, keep some routine, check in with your body’s needs, create quiet spaces, set boundaries, and show yourself kindness. These steps tap directly into the neuroscience of stress and ADHD – they help keep your prefrontal cortex functioning and your nervous system calmer.

Lastly, remember that the real magic of the holidays is connection – not the chaos. Connect with one or two supportive people. Focus on what truly matters to you. When you feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that this tough season is temporary and that you are not alone in feeling this way. Many of us AuDHDers have been there and come out the other side.

Thank you for listening to Authenti🎄ll🎧 ADHD. Be sure to take good care of yourself this season. You deserve peace and joy – even if it looks different from everyone else’s. Happy holidays, and may your days be as calm as you need them to be. If this episode resonated with you dont forget to subscribe and share so we can help everyone have an enjoyable holiday, whatever that looks like for them. Stay Authentic and we will talk soon!

Get full access to carmen_authenticallyadhd at carmenauthenticallyadhd.substack.com/subscribe

237 episodes

#Fitness #Mental Health #Podcasting Education #Self-Improvement #A whole lot of authenticity #Where the chaos of ADHD meets self-acceptance #Dive Deep