When One Chases and the Other Runs: Understanding the Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamics in Couples

A Little Help For Our Friends

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Feeling stuck in the same arguments with your partner? Does it feel like a cycle of one of you is chasing and the other is running away? In this episode, we talk about the problematic cycle behind recurring relationship conflicts through the lens of Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT).
We break down the pursuer-withdrawer dynamic: that frustrating cycle where one person pushes for connection while the other pulls away. What looks like rejection or criticism on the surface actually masks deeper attachment needs and fears. You may be the one desperately trying to get your partner to engage, or one who shuts down when emotions run high.

We argue that pursuers and withdrawers are actually fighting for the relationship in their own ways. Drawing from recent EFT research and our personal experiences, these patterns develop from childhood experiences and attachment styles.

We also talk about important strategies for breaking this pursue-withdrawal cycle of disconnection. For example, we cover TEMPO framework that helps couples identify what triggers their defensive reactions and how to communicate underlying needs more effectively. We also discuss how co-regulation and vulnerability can break destructive cycles and create deeper connection.

**If you are in a relationship with someone struggling with explosive emotions, you may be caught in these destructive cycles. Book a free call with Dr. Kibby to learn about how the KulaMind program helps people like you break the cycle.

Resources:

Johnson, S. (2022). The hold me tight workbook: a couple's guide for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

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Chapters

1. Introduction to Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamic (00:00:00)

2. Life Updates and Transitions (00:05:10)

3. Processing Childhood Trauma (00:14:04)

4. Understanding EFT and Relationship Cycles (00:28:53)

5. The Withdrawer's Experience (00:35:42)

6. The Pursuer's Perspective (00:43:57)

7. Personal Reflections on Relationship Patterns (00:49:59)

8. Final Thoughts and Resources (00:59:23)

156 episodes

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