396 – why is it always up to us to fix the marriage?

The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

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9d ago

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Get ready for the ‘ah-ha’ moments in this episode of The Art of Living Big. Take a drive, go for a walk, or just cuddle up and press play whilst Betsy delivers the advice we all need to live a more intentional, and more joyful life. Betsy reminds us that we must be present in our unhappiness rather than avoiding discomfort because that is when we see growth in ourselves and those around us.

Transcript:

Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello, fellow Adventurers. Hi everybody. Welcome to the show today. I have a quote that I saw that stopped me right in my tracks. And if you are fairly new here, you might really like this and align. And if you’ve been here a long time, you might really like this too. , there’s more for me to think about with this quote and I wanna talk about it.

But I also have something really specific I wanna talk about today. So here’s the quote. Real men have a happy woman. The rest. Have a strong woman. Ah, I [00:01:00] really liked it. I was like, oh, yes, that resonates so much with me. So I want to dive in today and I wanna talk about a couple things. , I was in California, , a week and a half ago, two weeks ago for my coaching group.

Where I am a coachee. I met with my coach and the whole team of people who are also coached, sort of like if people come into the Navigate Method. , I believe in coaching and so I always have a coach myself. So we meet, , about three times a year. And this time we met in California and the location where we got to meet every day.

I’m not sure if you follow me on social media, but you may have seen it was this. Just really beautiful beach house. It was right in La Jolla, right on the, like on the cliff overlooking the ocean. It had those big giant doors, that you. Push and they’re like [00:02:00] windows, but they push open like giant doors.

And so you could smell the ocean, you could hear the ocean, you could hear all the seagulls and birds. And I mean, it was, it was so beautiful. And when we were meeting, we were meeting at this big, huge, long dining room table. While we were meeting and somebody was talking or giving a presentation, I could hear the waves in the background and I was like, oh my gosh, there is very little.

That sounds better to me than that sound. It really was so calming. I could feel like my nervous system. Just sort of toggling down and I just really, really enjoyed my time there. , It was really so incredible. I think it was one of my favorite times getting together with this group. I’ve known many of the people in this group for years and years, , and we meet together every week on Zoom, and so it’s so wonderful to be able to get together live.

It was everything that I wanted it to be. , And really, really a [00:03:00] good use of my time. I kind of wish I’d stayed an extra day to sort of integrate and process. I think sometimes we can take in a lot of information, but if we’re not integrating it, if we’re not making it part of who we are, then it can kind of get lost when we get back into the regular hustle and bustle , of life.

But one of the things that I was thinking about, I was laying in bed last night actually thinking about those giant windows and how far you could see when you opened them up and you were able to poke your head out and you could see more than you could if you were just sitting on the couch looking out the window.

Right, and this makes sense. You’ve experienced this before, like clearly if you stick your head out the window, you’re gonna be able to see more to the left and more to the right. And as I was laying there last night, I was like, , that’s really what I wanna do. I [00:04:00] want to be able to help people stick their heads out the window to see more.

Because what we see in our lives typically is this narrow view. Of what we’ve always been shown and that view sometime becomes so normal and ordinary that we think we know what it is. Years ago I went , and stayed in an Airbnb down in Florida for a month, and it was a condo right on the ocean. And I was so excited about it.

If you’ve been here a long time, you know I love the ocean. , It was so beautiful and nice. And those first couple days, I mean, I was like, this is amazing. This is so incredible. And then I noticed by like day six or seven, like I didn’t even really pay attention. It already had become pretty normal.

Right. And I think that’s what happens in our lives, right? We have this. Vantage point, and if you can imagine looking [00:05:00] out the window and seeing the same space of the ocean or looking at your life. Seeing the same things over and over again. The ocean may be changing, your life may be changing. Things may be different.

But if you’re always expecting that very same thing you’re going to be searching for and finding that very same thing, which isn’t bad if that thing is exactly what you want, but the truth is that there’s way more. To see. There’s more to see when we just have an awareness and we look by being mindful and being present.

But there’s also a way more to see. When you lean your head out the window and you’re able to look to the right and look to the left, you’re like, wow, there’s way more to this picture than I thought. And I think one of the things that happens when we start looking at our marriage or at a [00:06:00] relationship that we have that’s important to us, and it has been unhappy for quite a long time, is that’s what we see.

That’s the frame in which we are experiencing the relationship. And so to be able to experience it in any other way, we have to be willing to be really present in it. And when that is uncomfortable, when we don’t like what’s happening, we really. We really repel against being present in it because we’re like, I already know how bad this is.

I want to disengage. I want to disconnect from it. I’m gonna have a glass of wine at night just so I don’t have to think about this, or I’m gonna retreat into the other room, or I’m gonna turn on TV or sports or movies or whatever it is. I’m not going to be present in this, and I’m not saying any of those things , in and of themselves is bad.

[00:07:00] It’s just when we use it in order to disengage from the thing we don’t like, we’re no longer present. That thing. And if we’re no longer present, we’re not seeing anything different, and we’re also not able to create any change. So when we start to do the work of really disseminating what we have in our lives, whether it’s a relationship or something in your career, or just how you feel about yourself or anything, any part of your life, it’s ultra important.

To be able to notice where you’re disconnecting, where you’re opting out, and then ask yourself, what is it that I’m trying to avoid? When you know what it is you’re trying to avoid, it becomes much easier to actually face that thing now. Here’s what I really, really wanna talk about [00:08:00] in all of this, because the women that I work with in the Navigate Method, , many of them have been struggling for a decade or two decades.

I mean, it can be a very long time. Sometimes women have been married, , 30, 35 years, and they’re. Yeah, looking back on the past 35 years and they’re like, this really hasn’t been good. , I’ve focused on other things, or I focused on my kids when my kids were young, or I, , created good friendships, but I used all of that to opt out.

I know for me, I really used something that you would think is really good, which was meditation. I would meditate sometimes for hours, and I always thought, this is, really good. But I was meditating in order to withstand the level of frustration and stress that I had. I wasn’t meditating to what we [00:09:00] typically think of as meditation, right?

Of like being still and , getting in touch with ourselves and exploring new things. There was a little bit of that. But , the drive for it was to be able to cope with extreme unhappiness. And so I think sometimes you have to look at the things that you’re doing and , those things may be like quote unquote healthy things, right?

You may be working out excessively, you might be off with friends all the time. The, tipping point for that is, is it. Helping you to withstand more unhappiness, and if it’s helping you to withstand more unhappiness , there’s a point where you have to stop and you have to be present with the unhappiness or else nothing is going to change.

One of the things when I talk with women, and they’ll ask me, , why is this always up to [00:10:00] me? Like, why am I the one? And people ask me this sometimes on social media, like they’ll post on my posts and say, why is it up to us? Like I’m exhausted.

Sometimes people , will even say on my posts, this feels very patriarchal. Like, why am I the one that has to , do this work? And I always say, you don’t have to do it, but this is your life. I’m not even talking about your relationship. This is your life and if you have to opt out in order to withstand what’s happening on a day to day in your life, then it’s time you do something different.

If you have been asking your husband for years to listen to you, to go to therapy maybe, or to change in some way or. Just to hear you. If you [00:11:00] have been asking for years and he’s not doing it, then he’s not going to do it. And you need to take control of your life and create a life that you really love.

And you can’t make a decision on whether that life includes him or not until you get a handle on your own side of the street until you look at your own stuff and you figure out what it is that caused you to make the choice to be with that person. What caused you to withstand that for so long? What are the things that are happening in you that makes you feel like that’s what you are worthy of?

I don’t think that you can really make , a shift or a change or a decision to change your relationship until you look at that stuff. I mean, can you technically Yeah, you absolutely can. [00:12:00] People do it all the time and then they end up in the same relationship again like five years later. Right? So. In order to do it and not feel regret, not look back and think you’ve made, wonder if you’ve made the wrong decision or if there’s anything else you could do.

When you get that clarity around your own life, you’re really clear on what your standards are, what your values are, how you wanna live your life, the ways that you deserve to be treated or respected, until you get really clear on that stuff. Then you’re never going to be able to make a decision that is without any kind of, , second guessing or regret or wondering or any of that stuff.

But when you can get really clear on that, you can feel really solid in the decision that you make. And. Are there times where women make these really big, huge changes? These shifts in how they’re [00:13:00] operating and their husbands act different? Absolutely. All the time. And the reason is because when you learn how to hold boundaries or you value yourself in a different way, everybody around you has to react different because you no longer put up with what you used to put up with.

But here’s the thing. Is that, will that be enough? Will it be enough now? And I see this over and over again and I see it in my program all the time, that when women get to the place where , they have made these really huge changes. They see themselves differently. They’ve done that deep work.

Their husband is starting to react differently or respond differently to them. I’m gonna say it’s not enough. It’s they’re just responding differently, but they’re not seeing it as an opportunity to grow together When you have a relationship that’s not working, it’s a huge, huge opportunity for spiritual growth.

It’s a huge [00:14:00] opportunity to come together and really work things out. It can be a great thing. I also think it is important. To be able to look out that window and be able to see to the right and to the left and to say, if I have been asking this person to listen to me, to help me to show up as a partner, if I’ve been asking for that and they weren’t stepping up.

They weren’t listening to me or they weren’t trying anything or having a conversation, then . That is information where they’re telling you they’re okay with you being at this level of unhappiness. And I think that is a really important thing to recognize because that is a values difference.

You wouldn’t be okay [00:15:00] with them being at that level of unhappiness and they are okay with you being at that level of unhappiness, then there may be a values difference there. And so, you know, lots of times women will say to me, will, my husband, change? Absolutely. Is totally possible and it’s totally possible.

He’ll see it as an opportunity to begin to grow with you because. If he doesn’t, if he only does, I see this all the time. Once women are out, , they’ve moved outta the house and then suddenly , they see it as an opportunity. They wanna do the work. I would say , they’re choosing to do the work so that their life doesn’t change, but they’re still okay with you being at a level of unhappiness that was intolerable to you.

And so getting you to a place. Where you can be looking out the window and really see things for what they are is only going to help you. [00:16:00] To be able to make better choices, to be able to understand what may or may not be happening, and to be able to evaluate if that’s true for you, right? Or if you see him making changes that you really wanna give this a shot, right?

, I always say there is a moment where you may decide to leave. And then there’s hope and you can lean into hope and you can stay longer and see if anything changes. There’s no shame in that this process , can take as long as you need it to, to come to the conclusions you need in your relationship.

The only thing I would caution about is if that process is including you stepping back from the window. It takes 10 years because you’re not wanting to pay attention. That’s something different. But if you are actively involved and doing the work and moving through this and building [00:17:00] your own life and cleaning up your side of the street, then it’s okay if it takes three years or two years or five years.

These processes are really important to be able to move through, and I think you can get the skills. To do this in a short amount of time and then you’ve got to look for the evidence. Is this working? Is this moving me to the place where I really wanna be? , So going back to what people ask me, like, why is it always up to us?

It’s totally not, but it’s your life. And if you’re not doing this work of cleaning up your side of the street and you’re just sitting on the couch, then you’ve gotta be okay then with. Life not going the way that you want. If it’s not going the way that you want, you’ve got to actively do something different.

And that doesn’t mean try and change your husband because we all know that doesn’t work. If it worked, it would’ve worked a decade ago. That doesn’t work, [00:18:00] but working on yourself. Looking at your own stuff, looking at your own standards and values, and then making an educated choice from there is the way to go, but you can’t do that if you’re sitting on the sidelines, and that is how you live a big life.

All right. Thanks so much everyone, for being here. I love you so much. I’ll see you next week. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today.You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless. And your life. It’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living [00:19:00] big.

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