395: Starting over in my 50’s

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395: Starting over in my 50’s

13d ago

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In this episode, Betsy discusses the emotional transition of moving into her own space and the significance of self-regulation. She emphasizes the importance of discovering personal happiness by embracing new experiences. Betsy concludes with an exercise to help listeners identify what brings them joy.

Transcript:

395 how i find more joy in my life

[00:00:00] Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy Pake, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello, fellow Adventurers. Hi everyone. Welcome to The Art of Living Big. I am pre-recording this,, usually I record like. Right before the show, a couple days before, or the earlier in the week, but I’m going to California. So as you’re listening to this, I’ve probably just come home from California.

I am in a coaching group as a coachee, and every year, several times a year, we all get together. And so I’ll be heading to California to meet up with fellow entrepreneurs that have been on the same journey as me. And it’s always really, really, empowering and [00:01:00] fills my soul to get to be with these people,

we all keep in touch so much throughout the weeks and we all get together once a week on Zoom and , get help and get our questions asked and those kinds of things. But just to have that comradery is so important. I think being on any kind of journey, you know, and this is how come inside the Navigate method, the community is such a big part of it.

And getting together live. I have found more and more to be just. Really important and exciting. We’re actually pulling together a live event for Navigate People next year, and it’s been so fun to look at that and what we could do together, live different than maybe what we could do together, , together online, uh, like hug.

I can’t wait. Like I’m really, really excited. A couple weeks ago, one of my clients was in town. For a training. And so I got to see her and so I asked her, I was on staycation that week and I said, can I come and meet you and we’ll go to breakfast? And she was like, sure. And so I did, and it was so lovely to [00:02:00] see her.

Then I was like, can I come get you tomorrow? She was like, sure. But like it was. It was so, so great. I think there was something really wonderful about being able to do things online and to be able to have Zoom and to be able to make those connections. And I think there’s something really fabulous about creating space to be together in person too, you know?

And I think. COVID kind of taught us that too, right? Like , that personal piece of it can just be really so lovely and such an addition to our lives. So anyway, I’m looking at all that and so I’m recording this a week before, so I wanted to share a little bit about some things that have been happening with me because I get this question a lot on social media.

So I wanted to. Shift and to share a little bit about some things I’m discovering. So this may not be a very long episode, but I wanted to answer this question so people reach out sometime to ask me about my divorce or what happened [00:03:00] or any of that. It’s boring. I’m not gonna bore you with any of that, but I am gonna tell you how.

Good things are and what I’ve discovered about myself moving forward. So if you have been along on this journey, or you’ve followed me on social media, you know that my husband, former husband and I separated. We tried to work it out, didn’t work out, and so we sold our house and moved our separate ways. I wish him all the best, but my life still continues on.

And that’s really where my focus is. And so what I have found that has been so incredible, and I’m gonna give you a thought or a action, a little exercise that you can do at the end of this episode, whether you live alone or not, and it’s something that I did when I was married. And it’s something that I have found to profoundly grow while I have been alone.

So if you are on the fence or you are just [00:04:00] recently separated maybe, or you’re getting divorced or you’ve just got divorced,, whatever your situation is, I hope that this episode brings you some comfort and some excitement about what could be possible, right? What could happen. So let’s start. Let’s start at the beginning.

One of the things that I think happens no matter what is going on in your marriage or your relationship, maybe you just live with somebody and you’re moving out. Maybe you just have a roommate and it’s a , platonic friendship and you’re moving out. There’s something that happens when you leave.

A home with somebody else and you move into a space that just includes yourself. And I think that transition is something really important to recognize and to honor because your nervous system has to re acclimate. And what our nervous systems do when we’re with somebody, even if we’re unhappy, [00:05:00] is it begins to co-regulate.

So many of the women that I work with talk about how they feel like they have to be the one that regulates their husband, right? So if he’s in a bad mood, they feel like they need to manage that, or if something’s going on, they’re just constantly scanning, right? So. I think that’s like a worst case scenario.

But then even if you are with somebody and you’re happy, or it’s just a platonic, like a just a roommate situation, and there is a feedback loop, right? When you’re with somebody else, energetically, your nervous system is regulating to them. You get into ways of being and being in a home with somebody else, and so when you make that shift and you suddenly are all by yourself, I wanna just offer the thought that it’s gonna feel different.

It may feel a lot better, but it also, because remember last week we talked about holding two truths at once. It can also feel a little [00:06:00] dysregulating because you’re like, wait a minute, I’m constant. I’m normally constantly scanning for somebody, or I’m normally co-regulating with somebody. And so I noticed when I moved into my own space that there was one night when I first moved in that first week, it rained like insane.

My apartment is on the top floor. It’s the penthouse, as I call it., It’s the top floor of an apartment. It’s a penthouse, and the building looks like a shipping container. Do you know what I mean? It’s like that corrugated metal. And so when the rain hits it, it’s amazing. It sounds. So, I mean, you could sleep for a hundred years in here, right?

It’s so great. And so that week that I moved, it was insane rain, just downpours for days, like every day and all night long. And I woke up to some thunder at like two or three in the morning and. Woke up and I scanned for my dog, [00:07:00] which I, who I didn’t have anymore ’cause he would be upset. So I scanned for him and then recognized I was alone.

And so I got up and I put my bathrobe on and I went out to the living room and I sat in the living room in the dark and I just listened. And I remember it feeling like I could exhale, like just really could be present with myself. And I could listen. I felt, you know, lots of times we’re on our phones, maybe you’re not.

I am. Lots of times I’m on my phone and then I realize like, oh my God, I’ve walked all the way down the hallway and I haven’t even noticed. ’cause I’ve been checking messages as I’ve been going from one place to another or whatever it was so present, I felt like I could take like a big, deep exhale and I could feel my nervous system just.

Toggling down, like decompressing. It was the sound, it was the dark, it was [00:08:00] the comfortable space I was sitting. It was the space to allow myself, I didn’t have anything to do. It was three o’clock in the morning and I remember being like, this is a place that I can heal, right? And we all have healing to do, but this is a place where I’m gonna really grow and I’m gonna discover who I am in a new way, and I’m gonna create.

A life that makes me really happy. And I feel like that was a bit of a declaration of we could beat ourselves up for a multitude of. Things or experiences or ways of being that we’ve done in our lives, right? If I could go back to being 20 and do it over again, would I do it differently?

Like we could do that, but I remember feeling like this is a demarcation from this place forward, I get to choose. I can’t fix what I’ve already screwed up. I can’t fix what went wrong. I can’t fix my part or someone else’s part in any [00:09:00] part of my journey. But I can choose from here how I create my life and how I respond to things moving forward.

And I think that moment of feeling my nervous system, like it felt like junk, you know what I’m saying? Like where it just settled in and I could be so present with myself. And I could say , from here forward, I’m gonna get to choose something different. I think that can be a really, really important space to live in and to give ourselves like that gift of saying , there’s nothing I can do about what’s happened, but here’s what I’m gonna do moving forward.

And one of the things that I thought about in that time was how I really wanted to experience my life and. , We all see things that we’re like, oh, I wish I had that. You know? And one of the things that I really wished was that I felt really alive like that. I had experiences [00:10:00] that I felt really alive.

If you guys have been here for a while, or maybe you’ve listened back when I went to Iceland, which I think was like four years ago, that I remember that experience I chose because I knew it would make me feel really alive. So if I’m feeling really alive, what kinds of things am I doing? I’m super present, right?

I’m finding things that bring me joy. There’s novelty, like there’s new things and I’m trying things. And I think that sometimes we get a bit set in our ways, whether we live with someone else or not, where we’re doing the same kinds of things. And then we’re feeling like, I wish I felt a spark of like aliveness.

But I think that aliveness can also be novelty, and I think novelty comes from trying new things or trying the same things with new people, and so you create a new experience in that. [00:11:00] So the next thing that I was just thinking through was like, what are the things right now that I really like? I remember several years ago, probably about five years ago, I was at a training.

And someone asked me, what do you do that makes you happy? Which I remember being really mad that they asked me that. I know this is so vulnerable that I’m telling you this, but I remember being really annoyed. Like, what do you know about me?, I didn’t know this person. So , what do you mean what makes me happy?

And she asked a totally valid question. Maybe it was the tone, like maybe there was something else that I sensed. But the point is that it made me uncomfortable because I didn’t really know that I, there was aspects of things that I knew, but a lot of my joy came from helping other people. And that’s not bad.

And that still exists today, but there also has to be more. Right. There has to be more. And so when I was sitting there, I was like, what [00:12:00] makes me happy? And I thought about that moment where that woman asked me that. I don’t even remember her name, but I just remember being, I just remember being like, what do you know?

But I thought, what makes me happy? And I thought, so on one side of the stick, I thought, I don’t know. And on the other side of the stick, I thought, I get to find out. I get to find out. And so I started trying a lot of new things and some of the things I really liked, some of the things were fine and, I may or may not do them again.

And some of the things I was like, meh, I don’t like that. So I wanna go through a variety of things, and this is just my personal things. It may be interesting to you, it may. Spur thoughts or ideas of your own, which is what I hope. , But I wanna just tell you the range of things because I think that sometimes we get [00:13:00] where we only see what’s right in front of us, and I still do, there’s more for me to explore, but , I’m trying to be exposed to lots of different things, so.

Right off the bat, one of the things that I did was, I start, I had gone to Mahjong, so there’s this Chinese restaurant near me that has Mahjong like every other Monday night, and I had went several times last summer and I really liked it and. , Mahjong takes a table of four people and so when they have Mahjong nights, you can go and rent a table and have four people and you all go and it’s so fun.

They teach you how to play Mahjong if you’ve never played. Or they’ll give you a refresh every other week. ’cause my brain completely deletes everything that I know. And so every other week I need to have a refresh. And then they feed you,? So they bring around dumb sim and you can get drinks or whatever you’re into, right?

And so they have, it’s really just so fun. They have really [00:14:00] good food and it’s a fun atmosphere and the whole place is packed. The tickets sell out. And so I was like, I really wanna go, but because I never have, like I don’t have four people that I know that I could go and play Mahjong with. That is hard for me to find.

And maybe you’re like that too. You’re like, who the heck would I go play Mahjong with? So they sell individual tickets. And so I started just buying individual tickets and going. Getting sat with people that I didn’t know. And the really interesting thing was that the people that I was sat with ended up being like the same people every other week.

And so I started to know them and then they would bring a friend and I would get to know their friend, and then I brought a friend and they got to know my friend. And so I don’t always make it every other week, but I try to and it’s something that is really fun. And so. Taking the thing that had an aspect of it that felt fun and being like, how can I make this work for me?

I don’t have four [00:15:00] people, but how can I make it work? And now my girlfriend and I are thinking like, how can we just create Mahjong at our house? I have Mahjong tiles at my house. I’m like, how can we make this like a monthly thing that we do with people that we know? So do I know one other person and she know one other person.

And then we could create this really fun thing where we all get together and we all bring, , food and have our own experience at one of our homes. So. This one small thing started to create something that felt a little bit bigger. The other thing that I started doing was there is, and you may have heard me talk about this, but there is this app called Time Left.

So time left is where you buy like a membership to Time left. I’m using Air quotes membership, . It’s , I don’t know, six months is 40 bucks or something like that. But what it does is it every week you can RSVP to go to dinner. And they match you with strangers. So when I started going, it was only Wednesday [00:16:00] nights and then they added Wednesdays and Fridays, and now they do a women’s only Tuesday night, which is fun.

And so it gave me this exposure to a ton of different people. Now the interesting thing is I started going like once a week and there were times where I really didn’t feel like going, but I, and mostly ’cause it was like raining and it’s late and I don’t wanna be out late. I like to go to bed at eight o’clock, but.

I made myself, I’m like, it’s once a week. Fridays became a little easier. And so I started going and I started meeting people that were just really fun. A lot of people came from the suburbs, like I live in Atlanta, so they were kind of far outside, so they wouldn’t necessarily be people that I would get together with.

But at one of them, my real estate agent was there. She had seen my stories where I was sharing this, and so she decided to join and it just happened. We were sat at the same table, so every week it’s different and we just randomly got set. So it was so fun ’cause I got to see her. I get to meet some new people every [00:17:00] week, like five new people, and I got a really good girlfriend out of it, and she lives just right around the corner from me.

And she’s brilliant and it’s been so fun to get to know her and to have somebody to do things with. So every week I would go and I would just count it as that experience. I’m just having dinner with a bunch of people and I’m getting good conversation and to learn about lots of different people.

And that’s it. Without an expectation that like, I gotta meet a best friend. Right? But I went for a long time before I met, somebody that I’d really hang out with, and that happened to live nearby. There were other people I would hang out with, but maybe they lived a little farther. So it, became just something where I could start to recognize, so this is important.

So something that I could go do, right? Something to look forward to. I work from home, so it got me outta the house, but also. I wanna, I’m gonna go back to my trip to Iceland. One of the really important parts of my trip to Iceland, and one [00:18:00] of the things that I try to recreate inside the Navigate Method is this community portion where you’re with people you don’t know.

So in that experience, , you’re starting to realize how you wanna show up. And in noticing how you wanna show up, like what you wanna share about yourself is actually the things that are really important to you. So I remember when I was in Iceland, the things that I was sharing with them were things that weren’t necessarily , I was sharing a lot about,, when I used to be a weightlifter.

And so I, it really caused me to go, what is it that I’m missing about that? So fast forward to these time left dinners. I could recognize what is it that I wanna share with people, and that is probably a place that I could lean into. And so I started trying out different gyms around. I’ve gone to those bar classes.

Which I like it. The times [00:19:00] never work for me ’cause I have a very interesting schedule, but. Just noticing that. I was talking about when I used to own a CrossFit gym, when I used to be a weightlifter, and then being like, okay, I need to bring some of that back. Where can I do that? What can I do differently?

I’ve gone and checked out different gyms, I’ve. Settled in on an app that I like that I’ve been doing at our community gym. I still am not consistent. So it’s something that I’m trying to figure out and it’s something I’m actively thinking about and I’m gonna do a episode on it once I get some more clarity around why is it.

There are things that we really enjoy and like to do, but we put them off. So that’s something I’m exploring. But my point is going to, these time left dinners and they’re in cities all over the place, so you might have them near you if you wanna try that. Allowed me to also understand myself better and to listen to people and to hear different perspectives and to just have an experience in and of itself without having it mean anything more than [00:20:00] that.

Right? If I got a friend out of it, that’s great, but if I didn’t, it didn’t matter. But I was just going for the experience. Okay. So that’s another thing. , I have been part of a book club, so there’s a group of women there. All in their sixties and they’re divorced. I think one of them is a widow. , But they all are magical and.

So impressive. They own their own homes. They’re happy, they have friendships that are deep. They go on vacations. I have learned so much by spending time with them, and I can’t always go every week, and I always joke that I don’t have time to read the book, so I just go like , I’m just going to participate in the social aspect of this.

But they’re fine with that. And so being part of that group has been really inspiring for me. So I think there is something to finding a group of people that you can look at and say , they’re doing [00:21:00] this right and how do I wanna live my life? , One of the things that I think can be really helpful, fascinating, , insightful, I think is recognizing when I meet somebody.

I ask Will, would I want to be them? Would I want to be like them? And would I switch places with them if I could? I think this gives me a interesting perspective on things. I get a lot of feedback on the internet, which I actually don’t mind. I like it. , But I do get a lot of feedback and I actually got some feedback recently from somebody that told me, Hey, I really liked your podcast this week, but also I hated last week.

I ask myself, would I wanna be like them? , So does their opinion matter to me? Would I switch lives with them if I could? And so when I’m with this book club people, I’m like, I would,, I would switch lives with, I don’t wanna switch lives, but you see what I’m saying?

. They got great things going on, so it [00:22:00] inspires me to be around them. So I think finding people that really inspire you, that are where you wanna be. I know the people inside my coaching group that I’m a coachee person, being around them inspires me. They always have incredible ideas. They’re making huge transformations in people’s lives and watching them , is a joy.

And so the, those things I think of ourselves , if we are. , Play-Doh, everybody that we’re around is like a hand squeezing the Play-Doh and is that an indentation that you would want? And I only wanna surround myself now with people whose indentation I would want on my life. And I think that’s really changed a lot of things.

I’ve been finding concerts that I really wanna go to, so. , I have a friend from college that lives nearby. He and his wife, he’s from Vermont, but he and his wife live nearby with their [00:23:00] kids, and he. Introduced me to a friend of his who’s a therapist, and she’s amazing. And so he was like, I really want you to meet her.

And so we all went out for brunch one day and now she and I are hanging out and she’s very fun and it’s now we’re going to a yacht rock concert. So these little things like making these connections. And then saying like, what feels fun? And we were talking all about yacht rock one night when I went to my girlfriend’s house for dinner

and then all of a sudden we were like, let’s go, let’s, there’s a concert in a couple weeks. Let’s go. And so we’re all gonna go. So we got tickets to go as a group. So leaning in to , what are the things that really feel fun to me? , I like music. But I’m not gonna go in the middle of the night and like pound beers and watch a concert.

I did get tickets to see Ludovico and Aldi. I hope I said that right. But I love his music and I was like, if I could see that live, it would heal something in me. So I found he was [00:24:00] coming. So I bought two tickets and , I don’t know who will go with me. I think one of this new friend that I met at time left might go, but it was so fun to be able to.

Pick something that actually brought me a lot of joy and just choose it. Right? There was no toggling back. There was just noticing and choosing. My daughter and I both really love, , John Mullaney. Do you guys know John Mullaney? I find him hilarious. He’s a comic and he’s coming to Atlanta, and so as soon as I saw the tickets, I was like, we’re going to that.

Like we’re going. And so it’s about choosing the things. That really bring you joy, right? Just about choosing those things and not worrying about having it be all perfect, but about choosing them and seeing where it leads to. And one last thing, my daughter asked me to go to the movies. She asked me to go see Superman, and I was like, yeah, let’s go.

Let’s go do that. It has been a long time since I’ve [00:25:00] been to the movies and last time I went, I think it was $15, right? So I was like,, why is it $25 for one movie ticket? But I noticed that a MC has this thing that’s $25 and 99 cents to get a pass for the month. Do you guys know about this?

So basically you get to go to four movies a week for 25 99. A month plus you get discounts on popcorn and stuff, which I need. So I was like, let’s get the passes. And then it basically, even if I go to just one movie a month, I’m breaking even basically. And if I go to other movies, it’s free.

Right? That’s like girl math. I’m like, this is totally free. So. I got a pass and it has been so fun. There’s this thing that I didn’t know I really was gonna enjoy. It’s been raining here a lot in Atlanta and I can go to the movies and I have like now like a system, I have the perfect sweater that acts like a blanket when I’m sitting in the [00:26:00] reclining seats.

We went to the store and I got. Special snacks, like gummies and stuff that I could fit in my purse so I don’t have to pay a million dollars at the kiosk to get food. But it’s really just about finding these things like, well, I do the movie thing forever, probably not, but it’s fun right now and I’m just enjoying being entertained, right?

And I’m meeting new people, doing things and just leaning into what feels good. So if somebody asked me today what makes me happy, I would have a whole laundry list of things to tell them. And besides that, I would know how to do it. And how to do it is really just about creating space to listen to yourself, to sit on your couch at 3:00 AM and allow your nervous system to settle and say, what would feel fun from [00:27:00] here?

At the beginning of this episode, I said, I have an exercise for you. And this is something I tell my clients all the time, and I know they hate it, but it’s really about spending time thinking about it, like noticing the contrast, what feels good, what doesn’t, and how can I follow the breadcrumbs of that to get to someplace better?

And I think there’s always things to learn. There’s always things that. Will make us happy in the future that don’t make us happy. Now there’s always new things that are unfolding, but I think when you can be really present, you can find out what that is now, what that is in this moment, and I think that is really how you live a big life.

So I hope that this episode inspired you a little bit, maybe gave you some new ideas. If you try any of those things, you’ll have to let me know and I will see you guys next week. Thanks so much for being here with me. I love you so much. I’ll talk to you then. [00:28:00] Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big.

I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at Betsy Pay and on my YouTube channel.

Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.

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