Why Narcissists Text You Out of Nowhere (And How to Shut It Down)

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE RECOVERY | Narcissist, Co-Parenting, Grey Rock Method, Boundaries, Healing, Toxic Relationship

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10d ago 18:44

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Your phone dings. It’s the narcissist.
“Emergency.”
“Call me now.”
“Why are you ignoring me?”

These out-of-nowhere texts aren’t random — they’re tactics to pull you back into chaos.

In this episode, Christy shares:
🔥 Why narcissists drop “urgent” messages
📱 The most common manipulations (fake emergencies, guilt trips, drama bombs)
🚪 How to shut it down without losing your peace

✨ Resources + Ways to Work With Me

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Grey Rock Method Episode:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-grey-rock-method-how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist/id1662241353?i=1000648879776

TRANSCRIP

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear. Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christy wife, mom and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice, and had a come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck, and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there. And let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:01)
Welcome back to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. I'm Christie. This is your guide to reclaiming peace, protecting your sex ass power and thriving, not just surviving after narcissistic abuse. And today we're going to talk about one of the sneakiest and most triggering tactics. Narcissists love to use. I've been through it myself. The random out of nowhere texts, if you're co-parenting, you've lived this probably a hundred times. If you're not, you may still deal with it. Pretty sure you have the Hoover text. These little attempts are sometimes big to reel you back in. But either way, the goal for them is the same, to control you, to control your focus and hijack your emotions. So why do they do this? Why? It's mind blowing Because we don't think like them. So it's very hard for us to understand why would someone do this? The lengths they will go and the things they will do, it's not cool.

(02:10)
So let's break down the psychology first. Narcissists crave what? Control. That's our biggest thing I talk about all the time, right? I should drink every time I hear myself say the word control on this podcast and supply. So they want control and they want supply, right? Feeding their ego, feeding, grabbing your energy, whatever. So when you've created this distance, that loss of control burns them. So they're burning up the fact that you've created a distance in the first place. We kind of know that the random texting is a way to test. Can I still get her attention? Even if it's bad attention, can I still spark that reaction? Right? So it's never about the communication. It's not really about whatever they're asking you or egging you to respond to. It's about power and intrusion, intrusion on your mind, intrusion on your soul in whatever way they can.

(03:21)
Okay? So think about it. Healthy people don't send a three word emergency text at 9:00 PM at 10:00 PM, 11, whatever. That's manipulation. It's not communication. A healthy person would say, Hey, I'm at the hospital with Mindy. Such and such happened. You may want to get over here, or whatever the thing is, right? Looks a little different than the narcissist who dangles what we call a carrot. So you are forced them to react and respond, okay? So that's why. What are the tactics they use? So here are the classics I see over and over. Number one, fake emergencies. Good example. Call me now. Something's wrong with the kids. They'll even pull them into it. But even just call me now by itself. Call me now. I need you to talk. I need you to answer or pick up the phone. I need you to pick up the phone.

(04:26)
It's important. It's an emergency. This urgent, urgent way of speaking. And nine times out of 10, it's something minor. So they could say something, it has to do with the kids. And then you call and it's like, oh, their homework was late, right? Something. They'll find anything they have to bait you. Number two, the drama drops. Just you won't believe what happened. You don't believe what just happened to me or not even to me. You just won't believe what just happened. They're baiting you into a spiral. They know that's going to get your curiosity peaked. And even though they're trying to control that curiosity, that satisfy their need for that supply, and in their mind they're like, oh, she, he on this podcast. It's she usually, but she cares still because she's curious. When I put something out there, she wants to know because I must matter to her somewhat.

(05:32)
And even if I don't, I still have control of her. It's so gross. Alright, number three, guilt trips disguised as urgency. So example, I don't know why you're ignoring me. This is important. They'll be like, oh, all I want to do is just share this information with you. I'm just trying to help you out. Right? Whatever. It's guilt, it's manipulation, mixed with urgency. The translation of that is I want control. It's not about resolution. So learning these things will help you. Okay? And number four, the Hoover check-ins. Hoover, right? That's the vacuum. If you don't know about hoovering, think I have an episode somewhere. I'll try to remember to link below the, Hey, just thinking about you, or I was just reminiscing about the old days. My husband actually has an ex who would hoover over text messages. Oh, I was just thinking about this thing we did together or this item I got.

(06:47)
It's designed to stir up nostalgia and suck you back in. They know what they're doing, guys, right? Every single one of these things is about knocking you off your feet so they can grab you, pick you up and stuff 'em inside to feed their supply and let them feel control. So that's all lovely. Let's get how to shut it down. So this is the part where you get to put on your crown, shine it up, and take that power back. Alright? Number one, first things first, guys, don't do shit until you pause, pause, pause, pause. Before you reply, if you even have to reply, can we first please talk about, I know if you're co-parenting, you feel like you have to reply. I hope by now, if you've been listening to my podcast, there are options to deal with certain apps. And that way it's like you can even, I believe, have your attorney on there if you have an attorney, right? Like a third party. But apps are a great way. You keep it very emotionless to the point. Don't take their bait and it is documented. So sometimes they'll be on better behavior because it's being documented like that on an app and they're more aware of it. So it helps. Sometimes they don't give a shit because they're narcissists and rules don't always apply to them in their heads.

(08:24)
But either way, you have it documented. So if you do need to go to court, if you do need to prove something, you've got everything there and it's all in one spot. I love those apps. So anyway, pause before you reply. If my whole point is if you have to reply, if it's something not related to your child or something that is truly you feel like you need to respond to, don't reply. Your first reaction is usually the one they're fishing for. They know how to get under your skin and you're going to grow. You're going to get out of that space where you feel like that even initially. But you might be, I'm thinking if you're listening to this podcast, you're probably in the space where you might still get triggered. They know how to trigger you. They know you will get triggered. They've seen it before. You fall prey to it in the past so they know they can get you, okay, but not if you practice pausing, breathing. Okay, wait. Number two, fact check ask, is this truly urgent? Is this truly urgent?

(09:38)
If it's not about the kid's safety or a true emergency, it can wait. If they bait you and they say it's about the kids. As a parent, I get it. We need to say, what is it? If they say, oh, the doggy ate or homework or whatever trash they're trying to trick you with, you stop responding. Don't feed them. Don't say, see, why would you do that? Don't get worked up. Don't react. Just don't respond. The more gray rocking you do with these people, the better. I have Gray Rock episodes too, okay? Gray Rock Method is great for this type of behavior. Number three, respond but don't react. There's a difference. I'm going to say that again. Respond. Don't react. There is a difference. So keep it short, neutral business-like gray Rock all over the place. Gray rock basically means what it says, right? You're a gray rock.

(10:28)
You're blending in, you're just neutral. You're just there. Example, noted, I'll address this when I'm able or if oh, homework was eaten. You can say, noted. You literally don't give them anything. Don't show emotion. Don't go into questions. Why would you send this? Why are you acting like it's an emergent? Nope. Don't give them anything. Don't explain. Don't justify next. You start doing this, it's going to be great. And the last one, boundaries with tech, right? Silence. Notifications. This is hard. Again, especially if you're co-parenting, it's about your kids. You're not going to silence your notifications unless if you have your kids with you. But I understand when the ex is taking care of your children, yes, we want those notifications on, you can use apps or tools to keep those co-parenting communications in one place. Like I said, and remember, you decide when and how you engage.

(11:40)
Obviously we know there's certain things, like I said, those emergencies. But in general, you can do this to yourself. I mean the drama, you're part of the chaos. If you are giving them back chaos, if you are escalating, if you are getting triggered, I get it. We're going to get triggered. Go let it out somewhere else. Go scream into a pillow, go do some kickboxing. Go run around the neighborhood. Don't give it to them, okay? Don't give it to them. So you could also do a mindset reset, right? The truth is a text is just pixels on a screen. It can't jump up inside your body and hijack your piece unless what you let it. And I know that's easier said than done. I get that part. I do. But thinking about that's starting to chip away to the point where you can actually take that control back where you can actually feel like, you know what? I'm not going to let this person just type words to me. They're going to take over my whole freaking nervous system. We're not going to do it anymore. Okay? I'm not saying it might not be overnight, but start having that mindset, right?

(12:57)
Really zoom out. And when you start to feel that panic rise, do the pausing. Remind yourself this is a tactic. I'm not required to participate. Say it. This is a tactic I am not required to participate. And those of you co-parenting, your kids need a mom who is calm and steady. You are the freaking lifeboat. Is that the word? Why is that sound weird? Lifeboat. I guess I haven't said that word in a while. Not the one reacting to every ding from the narcissist, right? These kids, let's be honest, they got it sucky already that they've got a parent who's a narcissist. It's not your fault, okay? We're not taking blame, but it is what it is. So yes, you do need to be the bigger person because we know the narc isn't. So you need to be the level-headed one, and you deserve a life where your peace is the default.

(14:01)
It's not just about these kids that helps us do things. That's great motivation because a lot of us do not self care very well after abuse, during abuse, but you do deserve peace. I know you want it. Peace is sexy. I'm going to make a T-shirt line. Peace is sexy. So the next time that phone lights up out of nowhere, I want you to remember, you are in control of your responses, your time, your energy. You can't control what they're doing or not doing or sending or not sending or how they're saying it. And why don't give them any more of your energy and time like that unless it's an emergency and you get the facts, you figure it out, solve the problem.

(14:54)
And if you need more help setting boundaries and have not gotten my free boundaries pocket guide. I mean, how cute does that even sound? Cute little boundaries. I will put it in the show notes. There is the link and how to work with me. If you're like, I want to be the baddest boundary bitch out there and I want to feel calm and I want to feel safe, and I want my kids to have a better life. I'm ready to fucking transform. Then look at the ways to work with me. That's where the true magic happens. I'm biased. Yeah, because I'm awesome. I will link that too. But you've got this. Okay, you got it. You're a queen. Keep shining and sparkling anytime. You know what? Let's do this. Anytime you get a text from this narc, unless it's an emergency or something very urgent, you have to respond to, I want you to pick up your hand, flick it like you are throwing sparkle all over that shit.

(15:56)
And instead of it being negative, you're going to override it with your damn sparkle. Okay? All right. I think that sounds great. I'm going to start doing that with everybody. I've been on the phone too much. Just, you know how you know, I don't know if you guys talk on the phone or not. I am a phone talker with my best friends, but sometimes I get drained. It's just too much for me, and I'm in that mode. I go through levels where I'm like, I don't want to be anywhere near a phone and then I'm back to normal. I'm in a phase right now where I want to just not, so I'm going to start throwing sparkles at my phone. Imaginary sparkles or maybe real ones. All right, well, I will see you in the next episode. Don't forget, Thursday we are going to have a related Thrive in five episode.

(16:43)
It's a much shorter episode usually. Basically doing some sort of somatic healing, visual meditation, breath work, all the things. So we will do one related to this. We'll do a special little one related to when you get text. So you don't want to miss that. So, oh, sorry, my thing got all messed up. My recorder. So you have to follow this. If you're not following my podcast, please take 30 seconds, follow it. It also helps my algorithm. So help me help you help spread all this fun to all the women of the world. And what was the other thing?

(17:28)
Yes. Oh yeah, that's all. You just have to follow it. That's it. You just got to follow. So you get the notifications and of course share. If you know someone going through this shit like you are, share, share, share sharing is caring. We want this whole ness needs to just uhuh. They need to be pounded into the holes of the ground and hidden forever. But since that's not maybe going to happen, we at least know how to navigate them so they can't get away with all the bullshit they get away with. The more you shine the light on these people, the harder it is going to be for all of them to survive in this world. So I'm here for watching us, win us, shine our crowns and them stick in their own little sticky ass nasty spider web of crap, right? So they can text us from there. And we're going to throw some glitter on it. All right, see you the next one.

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