Why Are We So Reluctant To Ask For Help? The Ethical Life podcast

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Why are we so reluctant to ask for help?

2d ago 44:46

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Episode 224: A recent article by Jason Feifer serves as the starting point for this episode of “The Ethical Life,” where hosts Richard Kyte and Scott Rada examine the quiet struggle many people experience when reaching out for support.

Feifer’s piece argues that the fears holding us back — such as imposing on others, appearing incompetent, or being judged — are often misplaced. In reality, offering assistance tends to strengthen relationships rather than strain them. Rada and Kyte use that insight to explore why hesitation remains so common and what it reveals about modern life.

Rada opens the conversation with a story from Thanksgiving, when he asked a relative to pass the butter while preparing mashed potatoes. The request was trivial, yet it offered a striking example of Feifer’s point: rather than being put out, the relative felt useful and included. That small moment reflects broader research cited in the episode, including a study featured in The New York Times, which shows that people who help typically feel more satisfied and appreciated than those who request support.

Kyte connects the issue to cultural forces, noting that American society often elevates self-reliance as a virtue. Many people, he says, absorb the message that competence means handling everything alone, even when collaboration would be healthier. He recalls his experience trying to stabilize a struggling nonprofit as its interim leader. Although he initially tried to shoulder too much himself, he soon realized that without asking others to join in, the organization couldn’t build the collective capacity it needed.

The episode also highlights how interdependency forms through everyday social rituals, including children’s birthday parties. Rada explains that critics once argued such celebrations encouraged selfishness. Instead, as Feifer notes — and the hosts echo — these gatherings helped establish mutual obligations among young peers, teaching them both to receive recognition and to reciprocate by showing up for others.

Listeners also hear practical guidance on making responsible and thoughtful requests. The hosts discuss the SMART framework — specific, meaningful, action-oriented, realistic and time-bound — which helps ensure outreach feels respectful rather than burdensome. Kyte emphasizes that clarity is especially important for volunteers, who want to know not just that they’re needed, but how they can be genuinely useful.

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