The actor John Leguizamo once called his first marriage a “starter marriage.” What a phrase. Practice makes perfect, I guess. But when it comes to marriage, that’s a lot of life to call practice, don’t you think?

I get starter jobs, starter homes, even starter mistakes. We all have a chance to learn the ropes before we really know what we’re doing. But a starter marriage, that’s not just your story. That’s someone else’s time, someone else’s heart. There’s no reset button.

Leguizamo says he wouldn’t be the man he is now without that first try. And no doubt that’s true. Maybe you don’t know how to stay until you’ve learned how to leave. Maybe you don’t know what it means to really build a life with someone until you’ve understood what it costs to walk away.

It leaves me wondering: when we use words like “starter,” are we trying to make sense of something painful, or just softening the edges of our choices? Does calling a marriage “practice” help us grow, or does it just help us move on?

I’m not here to judge. We’re all products of the things we’ve gotten right and the things we haven’t. The question is, what do we owe each other in the process? Can any relationship really be called just a starter, or is each chapter as real as the last?

So what do you think? What would you call your first marriage, or your first big heartbreak, or your hardest lesson? Is there a story there that still shapes who you are?

Let me know at jamesabrown.net.

On that note, I’m James A. Brown, and as always, be well.

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