401: Making Confident Choices in an Uncertain World (part 3)

The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

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9d ago 20:37

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In the 3rd and final podcast in the series entitled Finding Clarity in Your Marriage, Betsy talks about the importance of inner strength and how we can create it for ourselves. Betsy goes over the ‘ladder of change’ and offers listeners practical exercises like stability statements to help us train our brains to create stability from within.

Transcript:

Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hello and welcome to the show today. So this is part three of the three part series. This is lesson three, making Confident choices in an Uncertain World. Look, the world feels so unpredictable and really kind of scary in a lot of ways. People feel really divided, and it’s hard to find your grounding. So in this episode, we’re gonna talk about how to do that, how to find that, and a tool that you can use.

All right. I hope you enjoy. Welcome back. This is episode three of How to Find Clarity in Your Marriage, even when the rest of the world feels uncertain. So far, we have covered in episode one why this uncertainty sort of feeds indecision and why your brain keeps you frozen. ’cause your brain works really well, right?

It’s keeping you alive. So that’s a great thing. And in episode two we talked about the hidden cost of waiting. How postponing decisions actually costs you a whole lot more than you think, right? Energy, peace, self-trust, all of those things. And now in this final episode. What I wanna do is give you a bit of a path forward.

So this is where the fog really starts to clear, and this is how you’re gonna learn a little bit more about creating stability inside of yourself. So that you can start making confident choices, even when the world outside is so unpredictable. So let’s start off this episode with talking about why stability actually matters, right?

So let’s start with the truth, and that is that clarity doesn’t come from your husband changing. I know this can feel really hard because like me, you’ve probably thought at some point or maybe many times, if he would just change. If he would just listen to me. If he would just hear what I had to say, if he would just take into account how I see the world, right?

However it is that you say that, then things would be better. But the truth is that it doesn’t come from him changing. It doesn’t come from your kids needing you less. It doesn’t come from the world calming down. Clarity comes from you. It comes from you feeling stable enough to trust yourself, but that’s why you felt stuck for so long.

Because without stability, every choice feels like danger. But with stability. You can finally see clearly. So I want you to think of it this way. Just imagine that you’re standing in the middle of a storm holding an umbrella, right? The storm is wild, like there’s rain coming in sideways, there is wind toweling.

You can’t stop the storm. But if your feet are grounded, if your grip is really good, if your umbrella is steady, then you can stand there without being blown away or drenched. That’s what inner stability does. It doesn’t take the storm away, but it does let you stand in it and feel confident. So one of the things that I wanna frame here as we talk about a shift that I want you to make, and this is really an identity shift.

This is the root of really all the work that I do and have ever done. I want you to think of our, our brains as a ladder. So I want you to just imagine a ladder leaning up against the side of a house, and this is gonna be one of those, it’s gonna be one of those decorative ladders that you put towels on.

Okay? So a smaller ladder, just a few rungs. But I want you to think about the very first rung of that ladder is environment. It’s your house. It’s where you are. It is the gym. It is an environment. Okay? The next one, the next rung up is your behavior. The things that you do, the patterns you run, the way you show up.

Now I’m gonna go up one more level and this, this level, this level we’re gonna call capabilities, right? What you think you’re capable of. Now, behavior and environment are very conscious. You choose those, right? I’m gonna choose to go to the gym, I’m gonna choose to meal prep, for example. So my behavior is the meal prepping.

My environment is the gym. Right. So if we’re thinking about our family life, so the environment is my home, my behavior is the patterns that I run. I might notice those things, right? And those are conscious. I’m aware of them, I’m choosing them. I’m making dinner. That is something that I, my behavior that I’m doing at night, at the house.

Okay. Now when I move into this next thing, potential right or capability, this starts to get unconscious. Now what is unconscious? What does that even mean? It just means things that operate without me thinking about it. When I go brush my teeth in the morning, I don’t even hardly remember. I just know I’ve done it right?

It’s sort of unconscious. I don’t have to watch a YouTube video first. I know how to do it. My body just sort of does it right. It’s unconscious. I know how to do it so well that I don’t have to think about it. So I’ve got my rungs on the ladder. I have my environment, I have my behavior, I have my potential or my capabilities, what I think I’m capable of.

And then the next few rungs up are gonna be my values, my beliefs, and the very tippity top is gonna be my identity. Now the cool thing about this ladder is that whatever is above it influences what’s below it. So as I get into my beliefs, my beliefs don’t matter as much as my values matter. Those are generally really deep seated things, right, that I probably learned as a little kid.

And then when I get into my identity, it’s who do I think I really am? And this can be because it’s unconscious. Can be hard for you to figure out or to identify, but many times it’ll come from when we say something like I am. That’s like my deepest part of my identity. If you could think of an Olympic athlete that was prepping for the Olympics, would it matter if they were in a room?

With a whole bunch of Sweetss, like, probably not. ’cause they’d be like, I am an Olympic athlete. I don’t eat that kind of food. I eat the kind of food that supports my sport. So my identity, who I think I am an Olympian, impacts everything below it. So with that said, the way to make real long lasting change.

The kind that is like brushing your teeth that you don’t even have to think about is by going to the top of the ladder. It’s by changing your identity and who you think you are. So when we start thinking about what happens when I delay, and in the last episode we talked about that cost of delaying I am creating over and over and over, and reinforcing.

My identity isn’t a one of someone who makes decisions, who is worthy of more of all of those things. And when we’re living in this kind of situation, we are in reactive mode. So I talk to women every day that say they react to their husband’s moods, um, their scanning for how he feels every day. They react to their own fears, right?

They have their own thoughts about fears or things that could go wrong. Typically, they’re not spending a lot of time thinking about all the things that could go, right, right? And that’s normal. But they’re reacting to their own fear, thoughts, they’re reacting to politics or the economy. All of these things outside of themselves.

And when you’re reacting, you’re always chasing that stability someplace outside, which is impossible. So the shift is to become intentional. It’s to stop waiting for the outside, to calm down, and to start creating calm inside. By becoming the identity of the person who doesn’t matter what’s happening outside, inside, all is well, and I control how I respond to things and what happens to my life.

So that shift again is to become intentionally intentional. And the best way to make that shift is to ask yourself, what do I wanna model for myself and for my kids? And if you don’t have children, or your children are grown, what do I wanna model for myself? How do I want to show up for myself? Because here’s the thing, whether you realize it or not, you’re teaching your kids right now.

My daughter is 23. She sees everything I do. She notices every little nuanced side comment that I make that I think doesn’t even matter, and she’ll see it and say something. That’s the kind of relationship we have, but she’ll point it out and it just makes me realize how much they’re really watching. I talk to women every day who are the best moms and want good things for their kids.

When we start talking about their kids, they say, I don’t think they really know. They don’t know that we’re unhappy. And I, I disagree. Even if they don’t know the extent that you’re unhappy, they feel the tension. You know, when you walk in a room and you can feel that they watch you freeze. They watch you postpone.

They know that you’ve put your life on hold for things, right? They learn that that’s what adulthood looks like, and maybe you learned that by watching somebody else, right? We come by all of these things. Honestly, the one thing I know about our brains is that it wants to do the thing that is looking out for us, right?

It wants to do the thing that it thinks is safety, and so. Although what happens might not be good for you, your brain thinks it’s good for you, and I think that’s a really important thing to notice. You’re not doing any of this stuff to harm yourself. You’re not doing any of this to harm your kids.

You’re not doing any of this to make life harder for anybody. You’re doing it because that’s what your brain is telling you is safe. And so if your kids watch you. If you watch, you freeze and postpone and put everything on hold, then you learn that’s what it’s supposed to look like. That’s what relationships look like.

That’s what adulthood is. But if they watch you stabilize yourself, if they watch you ground your energy, if they watch you move forward with with intention, they learn courage, they learn resilience, and you get to live that, not just hope for it. I wanna share a quick story. Uh, we have inside the Navigate method, after, after people are done with the course, they move into our alumni group.

And our alumni group gives them continuing access. To get help, and we have groups every single month to support them. So the program is done, they’ve completed the program, but we still get together. And I always joke that this is really for me because I grow so attached to everybody, but inside one of our groups a few months ago, someone said that when they started, they came so overwhelmed, right?

Overwhelmed by her marriage. Overwhelmed by money, stress, overwhelmed by what was happening politically. And she said, I, I, I felt like I couldn’t make any decisions. Like I just kept thinking I’ve gotta wait for things to calm down. But I mean, the truth is things didn’t calm down right. And the longer you wait, the louder it gets.

And she realized that she couldn’t keep living like that. Like it just wasn’t working anymore. And so through this work, she started practicing. Little small acts of stability, journaling, telling herself one truth a day, making one small choice instead of circling, becoming curious about something her husband said, and something shifted.

She said Everything didn’t get less chaotic. I just got way more solid and once she felt solid, she could finally see her marriage clearly, and that clarity brought her relief. Okay, even before she made her final decision. So I wanna give you the same practice that she used. It’s a stability statement, and so every day you’re gonna write this down and you’re gonna finish it.

Okay? So, and I sometimes will have this, depending on how chaotic things feel in the world. I will write it on a post-it note, and I’ll just put it on my mirror. So when I brush my teeth, I see it, right? So that’s just a really good way to create a habit. Because I’m stacking it onto a habit I already have, which is brushing my teeth.

So now when I go to brush my teeth, I see the little post-it note, and then after a while I didn’t even need the post-it note. But what it says is, even when the world feels uncertain, I choose to create stability by and then just fill it in with something different that you’re gonna do every day. So having a real conversation instead of avoiding.

One of the big things we work on is creating a space between if you start having a conversation and you feel yourself, right, getting activated, creating a space so that you can just be quiet and listen, and then have your response so powerful. It makes you feel so steady and solid. So having a real conversation instead of avoiding right, courageous conversations.

Going for a walk to clear my head. Right When the world feels uncertain, I’m gonna create stability by making one small decision instead of spinning, reminding myself that I am capable of handling whatever comes. So one of the things that I say all the time in group is you don’t have to trust that it’s gonna work out.

How about that? You don’t have to trust that it’s gonna work the way you think. You just have to trust in yourself. You just have to trust that you’ll know what to do. When the next right thing happens. So here’s why this statement works. It’s because your brain is always scanning for safety. And so when you start to give it evidence that you can create the safety, it relaxes.

And when your brain re relaxes, then clarity can come into focus. So do this for a week. Put that little post-it note up on your mirror. You won’t even need it after a while, and that will become your default thinking. It starts to become your identity. So you’re gonna notice after you do it for 5, 6, 7 days, you’re gonna feel so much lighter.

It’s not magic. It might be a little miracle. It’s not magic though. It is you training your brain to see yourself as stable instead of waiting for the world to stabilize for you. So let’s step back across these three episodes and just kind of talk about what we’ve gone over. In episode one, we talked about why uncertainty freezes you in indecision and how to start with 5% more stability every single day.

In episode two, we explained why waiting isn’t neutral, right? It’s actively costing you energy and confidence and joy, and I will just say it again, even though I know I talked about it in episode two, but the confidence piece that is just so far reaching. It’s so far reaching, and I think that might be the most heartbreaking.

I think that was the most heartbreaking thing I saw in myself, right? And maybe that’s why my heart breaks for women when I talk with them, and I can see how much that’s corroded and they may not even notice. And then episode three, this episode we talked about how to create inner stability with daily practice so that you can finally trust yourself to make decisions with confidence.

Now. Now you know, now you know how to get unstuck. You know how to stop circling and how to start moving, and you know how to begin to build a foundation of stability that’s gonna hold you steady no matter what’s happening around you. So here’s a little truth. These tools I think are really cool. They happen really quick and easy.

They’re not hard, it’s not complicated or a lot, but they’re just the beginning. So having a framework. Guidance, it’s gonna make all the difference. And that’s what we do inside the Navigate Method. We do not tell you whether you’re gonna stay or go in your marriage. We have lots of people that decide to leave, and we have lots of people that decide to stay and they see things with fresh eyes.

But what we do is we give you a proven process to clear that fog, to build the stability, and to make decisions that feel solid and true to you. Here’s my invitation to you. You’ve got some momentum here. You don’t wanna let that die and you don’t wanna go back to the way things were. Remember, that’s how your brain is gonna work.

It’s gonna tell you that’s the safest thing, and what we’ll do is we’ll book a call with you. It is a clarity call and it is a time for us to help you get really clear on what’s really going on. If we think we can help you, then we will explain to you how that can work. And if you book the call before your week is over, you’re gonna get some special incentives.

So we’re gonna see that you booked it before your call, your time expired, and we’ll make sure on the call to give you those new options. So don’t keep waiting, don’t let indecision keep costing you more days of your life. You already know now how to create stability. So let’s walk this out together. So if you go to betsy pay.com/ let’s talk and you can book your clarity call there.

This is your moment. Let me know what you decide. Thanks so much for being here with me on this three little mini podcast episodes. It was really nice to be with you. Talk to you soon. Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger.

Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today. You can find me over on Instagram at betsy pa and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless. And your life. It’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.

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