399: How Uncertainty Feeds Indecision (part 1)

The Art of Living Big | Subconscious | NLP | Mindset

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16d ago 19:44

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In this 3 part podcast titled Finding Clarity in Your Marriage, even when the rest of the world feels uncertain, Betsy explores how we can find inner stability when the world around us feels chaotic. Betsy offers a helpful tool at the end of each podcast in this series so listen into part 1 and enjoy.

Transcript:

Welcome to The Art of Living Big, where we explore how to live intentionally and with more joy. I’m Betsy P, your host, master, coach, and creator of the Navigate Method. Here to help you listen in to your true desires, elevate your standards, and live life to the fullest. Now, let’s go live big.

Hi everyone. Welcome to the Art of Living Big. I am doing something a little bit different this week, so I created a three part series called How to Find Clarity in Your Marriage, even When the rest of the World feels Uncertain. Now, you could take the like clarity in your marriage and input anything, so if you don’t have.

Non clarity in your marriage. If you’re not confused about your marriage or wondering if you should stay or go, this still may be helpful information to you because it’s really about resting your nervous system and how to get centered when the world feels like a little crazy on fire, right? So. What I’m gonna do, I created this three part series and I was offering it on, on Instagram and it, I had it set up as like a, a private podcast.

I don’t necessarily know why I did that, other than I wanted to keep it like this three part series that people could enter into to get this information. But the truth is more people will get it if I just put it on the podcast. I, I, sometimes I try to make things more complicated than they need to be.

So we’re gonna do this, it’s gonna be three episodes, but I’m going to give it to you all at once. So that you can get it all at once, so you can just listen if you want. So altogether, it’s maybe only like 45 minutes, so it’s kind of like one big long episode. But I do think it may be helpful to listen to one of the mini episodes and then try it.

Because I give you a tool at the end of every single one. Um, and then the next day, maybe listen to the next one. So even they’re all available. So lesson one is really about why uncertainty feeds indecision. So we’re gonna talk about like what’s really happening inside your body. The second lesson is about the hidden cost of waiting.

This is something I don’t think we think about very much, whether it’s your marriage or anything else, like what that indecision is actually doing. And then our third lesson is about making confident choices in an uncertain world. So how on earth do I make decisions about things big or small when I don’t know what’s happening?

Right? And the truth is we never know what’s happening, so we will, we’ll teach you how to find some certainty and get grounded. I think you’re gonna really like the episodes. I hope you do. So without further ado, we are gonna give you these next few episodes all at once, and let me know what you think.

All right, see you in a See you next week. See you next week. Hi everybody. Hi. Welcome to our private podcast mini series. This is called How to Find Clarity in Your Marriage, even When the Rest of the World Feels Uncertain and Uncertain is probably such an understatement. So I’m really happy that you’re here with me.

I hope that this gives you a lot of value, gives you some new ways of thinking about things, and some tools to be able to shift a little bit. If you’ve listened to my podcast, the Art of Living Big, or been around me or in my vortex for any amount of time, you know that I believe that these shifts that we can have, these little aha moments can happen.

Without any kind of delay. They can happen all the time, and they are little pieces and reminders that miracles happen all the time, and so I’m happy that you’re here. Let’s have some miracles here together as we spend the next three episodes together. If you’re pretty new here, my name is Betsy P. I’m the founder of the Navigate Method, and I’ve hosted the podcast, the Art of Living Big for like the past.

Eight or nine years. So it felt like a really good idea to be able to do this private podcast for you and share this information because that’s the format that so many of you have heard me and listened to me over all these years, and I feel like this information. Can really be a big shift in how you’re experiencing the world.

And you know, when I say like, even when the rest of the world feels uncertain, like uncertain is probably like a huge understatement, right? So over the next three episodes, I am gonna walk you through why you feel so stuck. Indecision and probably about a lot of things. You know, we’re gonna be framing this around your marriage, but it’s probably a lot of things and there’s a real reason for it, a biological reason for it.

It’s not your fault, it means your brain’s working really well. So we’re gonna dive into that. In the second episode, we’re gonna talk about the hidden cost of waiting, how postponing decisions actually drains way more from you than you realize. And finally, the last episode, we’re gonna talk about your path to inner stability so that you can start making confident choices no matter what’s happening outside of you.

And I wanna say. And I will reiterate this as we get to episode three, but that is a practice. It is something that you learn and you continue to practice and get better and better and better at it. So if you have been circling the same questions like, should I stay? Should I go? What’s happening? What if I go and I regret it?

What if I stay and I lose my life? How long do I stay? When is this gonna end? Can it get better? Look, all of those things. Then this series is gonna give you some relief. Finally understanding why you’re stuck and how to start moving forward. And by the end, you’re gonna know exactly what steps to take to stop living in limbo and start building stability in your life whether the world comes down or not.

Alright? So right now I’m gonna state the obvious, which is that the world feels really chaotic, right? There’s politics, there’s the economy, there is the news cycle. I know when I go on social media, maybe I’ll get on TikTok and I try to swipe really fast if it’s not something that will bring my vibe up, right?

I try to teach the algorithm that I really want fun, happy things in cat videos, you know, because I go there to get away and to have an escape, but it’s inescapable. Right. There is constant division and there is constantly people telling you their side of things in a very authoritative way that. Then leads everyone in the comments to begin arguing, right?

So many times we see this and you know, people comment and argue in the comments around CAT videos as well. So it is just everywhere. And then I go to Instagram or I go to Facebook and people are arguing there. And gosh, sometimes it’s people that I’ve known my whole life and I think like. How do I disagree so deeply with what they’re saying?

And so we’re seeing all of these things all the time that that cause us to feel constriction. If we watch the news, we feel constriction there. And then if we have constriction at home in our own marriage, just over little things that are happening or big things in our lives, right? So the truth is you really just cannot get away from it.

It’s everywhere. And when the world outside feels really unstable, it’s natural to tell yourself, now isn’t the time to deal with my marriage. Like I have to wait for things to settle down. I think this makes a lot of sense, and I hear this from women over and over and over again. Like, I need to wait till I know what’s happening in the world before I deal with this.

But here’s the truth. That is that waiting actually isn’t the thing that gives you safety. Waiting’s actually the thing that’s keeping you stuck and that stuck feeling. That is a really exhausting place to live. And the longer you stay there, the more depleted you actually get and the more depleted you get, the less able you are to be able to cope with what’s happening.

So. Let’s talk about why we get stuck in the first place. So when the world starts to feel really unpredictable, right? Our, our what we’re seeing out in the world, but also inside, right? When our world, the world, our world, our brain naturally defaults to survival. So. I have said probably on the podcast a million times, but I, I like this example because I think we can think about this from a biological perspective.

If I am walking through a field and there’s a rustle in the grass, I have to know that there’s a tiger, right? I have to know that there’s something that maybe unsafe to me, something that might harm me, and so I begin to become, become acutely aware of the rustle in the grass. But the truth is now I can go outside and walk my dog and I don’t have to worry about a tiger, right?

But my brain. Still has that high alert and so it kind of like swoosh really up close. So now it’s scanning for patterns, right? Patterns of anything that I see that will also trigger that, oh, there’s a tiger in the grass. It might be a a. Something on TV or a comment or something that our brains are like, that’s the pattern.

And right now we’re being fed so much information that it can become really alarming and our brains don’t know what’s real, what’s not real, when to shut off. Uh, I will go from a horrific. Video to the very next one of somebody’s birthday party. And my brain’s not designed to go from tragedy to happiness in, in a swipe.

And so what happens is that fight, flight, or freeze kicks in and it kicks in at times where I, it may not have in the past. And in marriage limbo freeze can tend to really take over. That typically is the, the version of that that I see really, really often is just freeze. I get stuck. I don’t know how to make a decision, so I just stay where I am and I’m just doing everything that I can to maintain the status quo.

Like just to keep things like, so it feels like there’s an equilibrium, right? And so that looks like running through the same pros and cons list in your head. You know, I’ve even talked with people that have like a running list and a notebook by their bed, and every night they pull it out and look and add things to it and delete things.

Um, it looks like avoiding conversations, right? Because you’re really afraid of what the fallout is. Or you’ve had this conversation before, or you know, this doesn’t go anywhere. Or, you know, no matter how many times you try it, it’s not gonna make you feel better. And so when you feel that pattern start to happen, you just like opt out.

You’re just like, I’m gonna go in my own room and I talk to women every day that say. You know, right. As soon as dinner’s done, like I just leave, I go in my room, do my thing, he goes and watches tv. Like there is just this separation, right? Um, that can look like telling yourself like, I’m gonna figure this out, but it’s gonna have to be later because the graduation is coming.

Or it’s my son’s final year of school, or, I have that trip planned. Or Christmas, the holidays are coming, all of these things. But the truth is later just never comes. And every day that you stay in that purgatory. You’re spending energy that you’ll never get back, right? I mean, the day is done. You’ve spent the energy on those things, and you’ll never be able to get that back.

So here’s what’s really happening, is that your brain is actually wired for safety. So it’s not wired for happiness, it’s not wired for joy, sadly, that would be amazing. But our brain is actually wired to just keep us alive. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to our brains if we’re happy doing it, safety means stick with what we know, even if it hurts.

So when you imagine leaving, alarm bells go off, right? What about the kids? What if I regret it? What if I have to move to a different town? What if I, where would I go? What would happen? And when you imagine staying. There are more alarms, right? What if this is all there is? What if I waste my life? What if I, you know, turn 70 and then realize I should have left when I was 50?

Like, what if, what if, what if? And because neither way feels safe. Your brain decides that the safest option is gonna be to do nothing. It’s just gonna cause you to freeze, and that’s why you feel so paralyzed. So here’s the thing that I have recognized that most people don’t realize, and that is that indecision isn’t neutral.

It costs you sleep, it costs you energy. And I think from my own experience, one of the biggest things that it costs you is self-trust. So the longer that you sit in purgatory, the heavier that cost gets. I know when I was going through my own indecision for years and years in my marriage, I would have ups and downs.

I would try so hard to get myself to a place where I felt like this is sustainable. I just didn’t wanna be thinking about it every single day. But the truth was that it was taking up most of my brain power. And when I look back, I think of all the things I could have done for a decade. That I didn’t do, that I didn’t experience because I was frozen.

And I also can look back now that I am living a different life, which, we’ll, we can talk about, but I can look back and I can say, I. I, I hum. Like I got myself really in a huddle, right? Like, I didn’t go out and meet friends. I didn’t go out and create relationships that I wanted or have experiences that I wanted.

Now that might not be anybody, everybody, but what I’m saying is it starts to pull you in. This indecision starts to pull you into a protective pattern, however that looks for you. So it may be that you just get really quiet. It may be that you just disengage. It may be that you exit and you spend more time with friends because you don’t wanna be at the house.

Maybe you spend more time at the house ’cause that feels safe. So, however your brain is processing this, I just want you to notice that the indecision isn’t neutral. It’s causing you to do things that you wouldn’t do if you were on a stable trajectory. So here is the grounding question for you and the tool.

So we wanna start breaking down that freeze response. And so there are some practices and you know, inside the Navigate method, do we really teach nervous system regulation? And I think this is something that is, that everybody should learn. Everybody should learn because it serves you in so many ways. It change your life, being able to regulate your own nervous system.

And for this, we’re gonna give some gr a grounding question that is gonna be a way for you to start to get in touch with what’s really happening inside yourself. You know, we tend to have so many things on our mind and so many places that we’re being pulled. So when we get out of bed, the first thing on our mind is, I gotta get going.

I know that’s like the first thing I think is I gotta get going. And so then I get going. And if you’ve got kids at home, if you’ve got like just a busy schedule, if you’ve gotta get to work, if you’ve got multiple things that you’re juggling, then you’re moving forward into the future and bringing that instability with you.

And so it’s sort of shutting down this place that you. Could get grounded and starting your day off in a freeze state, right? Just doing what has to be done to be able to move forward and it becomes rote like the things that you do or the things you always do, and that’s how everything plays out. Yeah.

Then we start moving into all of these patterns that we play out in our relationship that create the same thing over and over and over and over again, right? So here’s how I want you to start breaking up this freeze response every morning. I want you to ask yourself, what would make me feel 1% more stable today?

Maybe it’s what would make me feel 5% more stable or 10% more stable. As you start to get a handle on what that would be, just kind of play with that. But giving yourself that percentage, what would make me feel 5% more stable today? And then write that down and then do it so it doesn’t have to be something big.

Maybe it’s go for a little walk and I tell people, start very small. Walk down your street and turn around and come back, right? Don’t leave your phone at home and just walk for a minute and come back. Maybe it’s telling yourself one truth that you’ve been avoiding. Maybe it’s something simple like cleaning out a junk drawer, right?

So that your environment feels calmer. Getting into work and really organizing your desk before you get going. Maybe it’s clapping your hands together and rubbing them together. You’ll notice, take a big deep breath when you do that, and you’ll start to feel a little bit calmer. So these small actions create an internal safety and the safety is the foundation for your clarity.

So that’s your challenge for today. Find your five. And in our next episode, I’m gonna show you why waiting feels like the safe choice, but it’s actually costing you way more than you think. And how to finally see the price that you’re paying for staying in that limbo. All right, I’ll see you over there.

Thanks for joining me on The Art of Living Big. I hope today’s episode sparked something within you, maybe pushed you to dream a little bit bigger and live a little larger. Don’t forget to subscribe. Leave us a review and share this podcast with someone you know who might need a little inspiration today.

You can find me over on Instagram at betsy pake and on my YouTube channel. Remember, the world is vast. Your potential is endless, and your life, it’s yours to shape. Until next time, keep reaching, keep exploring, and keep living big.

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