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Gottman's Science of Love: Practical Tools for Connection | Julie Sharon-Wagschal | #132
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Struggling to understand what makes a relationship flourish over time? In this eye-opening episode with Dutch-American psychologist Julie Sharon, we uncover the science-backed secrets that separate thriving marriages from those that falter.
When couples find themselves locked in the same frustrating conflict patterns, the answer might be surprisingly physiological. Julie reveals how a racing heart (over 100 BPM) signals we've entered "fight or flight" mode—a state where productive communication becomes nearly impossible. Learn why taking a structured 20-30 minute break can transform heated arguments into constructive conversations, and why agreeing to return to difficult topics builds crucial trust.
The episode dives deep into the Gottmans' groundbreaking research on "bids for connection"—those small moments when we reach toward our partner for acknowledgment or engagement. Julie explains why couples who respond positively to these bids 86% of the time stay happily married, while those responding only 33% of the time face relationship breakdown. These seemingly minor interactions create what she calls an "emotional bank account" that buffers relationships during inevitable conflicts.
Beyond the research, Julie shares practical tools you can implement today: the stress-reducing conversation (listening without solving), effective repair attempts after conflicts, and creating a culture of appreciation and kindness. She emphasizes that healthy relationships aren't conflict-free—they simply maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during disagreements.
Ready to transform your relationship? Start by looking inward at your own contributions rather than focusing on your partner's shortcomings. As Julie reminds us: "Slow down, take a look inside. Don't respond too quickly. Think before you act, think before you speak, feel before you speak."
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http://www.drlizhale.com
Chapters
1. Introduction to Julie Sharon (00:00:00)
2. Gottman Research on Physiology (00:04:27)
3. Taking Effective Breaks During Conflict (00:10:44)
4. Bids for Connection (00:18:12)
5. Kindness and Contempt in Relationships (00:25:13)
6. Stress-Reducing Conversations (00:32:35)
7. Processing Regrettable Incidents Together (00:37:27)
133 episodes
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