Gabi Space: Self-Differentiation - The Lifelong Practice of Being "Separate and Connected"

In this insightful episode of "Gabi Space," join us for a profound conversation with Gabby as we explore self-differentiation, a concept critical for leaders and for navigating our daily lives.

Gabby introduces self-differentiation, rooted in family systems theory, as the lifelong practice of being "separate and connected". It's about recognizing our individual distinctness while acknowledging our constant interaction with and need for others. This isn't a destination, but an ongoing journey with "no arriving".

Key themes and insights from our conversation include:

• Understanding Your Experience: We often get into trouble by blaming others for our feelings, saying things like "you make me so upset". A core part of self-differentiation is asking: "Who is actually creating the upset here, or the joy, or the happiness?".

• The Model of Experience: Gabby shares a helpful model from Jervis Bush's "Clear Leadership," which breaks down our experience into observations, thoughts, feelings, and wants. A common challenge highlighted in coaching is confusing our feelings with our thoughts, often using phrases like "I feel that" or "I feel like" followed by a thought. The practice encourages slowing down to access the distinct energy and sensation in our bodies.

• Slowing Down and Creating Space: This intentional pausing is a crucial "doorway to self-differentiation". It allows us to connect with our whole selves, not just our heads, understanding that our entire body is engaged in our experience.

• The Breath as a Reset Button: A simple yet elegant tool, the breath serves as a universal reset button, inviting the parasympathetic system to shift our internal state and move us from reactivity to a more thoughtful response.

• Attentive Listening and Responsibility: Self-differentiation extends to how we listen. It means seeking to understand another's experience—their thoughts, feelings, and wants—without feeling responsible for changing it or rushing to "fix" things. This helps us discern how our experiences differ from others'.

• "Saying I When You Mean I": A powerful practice is using "I" when talking about our own distinct experience, rather than assuming a collective "we" in tight relationships. Gabby shares an insightful story about her nephew learning it's "not okay to have a different experience," highlighting how deeply ingrained patterns can make it difficult to assert our individual voice. This practice helps us avoid becoming our ideas or emotions in a reactive "addictive loop".

• Cultivating Awareness in Busy Lives: The episode addresses the challenge of being "addicted to how busy we are" and viewing pauses as "indulgent". However, Gabby notes a growing trend of leaders embracing mindfulness practices and "moments of arrival" to build "connection before content" in meetings and create space to notice and address the energy in the room.

Gabby's Challenge for You: As a final thought, Gabby encourages us to "be willing to say I when you mean I" and become an "I specialist". We invite you, over the next week, to notice how many times you use "I," "we," or "you" when expressing yourself.

Join us next time on Gabi Space for more transformative conversations!