In this episode of The Autism Mums Podcast, Victoria and Natalie share how they navigated their dad’s 80th birthday, which included family gatherings that came with lots of excitement, and its fair share of sensory challenges.

If family events sometimes leave you feeling anxious or wondering if it’s even worth the effort, this episode is for you.

Key Takeaways

How preparing in advance can ease anxiety - Visual supports like calendars, photos of the venue and explaining the schedule ahead of time helped both children feel more secure.

How respecting your child’s boundaries leads to better outcomes - Giving our children space and letting them decide if and when they’re ready made a big difference in their ability to cope.

How food doesn’t have to be the focus of the gathering - When meals are difficult, removing pressure and creating positive experiences around connection and play can still make the outing worthwhile.

How tech, sensory tools, and safe items can be lifelines - From ear defenders to iPads, bringing the right tools can help children stay regulated in unfamiliar or overwhelming settings.

How staying calm as a parent is so important - Holding your emotional ground can help avoid escalation and builds trust with your child.

Connect with The Autism Mums

Website - https://theautismmums.com/

Follow us on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/theautismmums

Follow us on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@theautismmums

Follow us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theautismmums

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to

the Autism Mums podcast. I'm Victoria. And I'm Natalie. We are two sisters

raising autistic children who know the joy, the challenges, and the everyday

moments. This is a supportive space for honest conversations, practical tips,

shared strength and expert advice. Whether you are celebrating a win, surviving

a meltdown, or just trying to make it through the day, we are right here with

you.

Join us as we share the ups, the downs, and everything in

between parenting autistic children.

Victoria Bennion:

This week we wanted to talk about something that so many of us find really

tricky, but often don't talk a lot about, and that's family gatherings.

Last month was quite a

busy one for us. It was our dad's 80th birthday, and that meant a couple of big

family meals, which is lovely in theory, but if you have autistic children,

these events come with a whole lot more to consider. So in this episode,

Natalie and I are [00:01:00] sharing how we

approached these gatherings, what we did to prepare.

Our children, the moments that didn't go to plan and some of

the wins.

We know that autism is a spectrum and every child's needs and

reactions vary hugely, and of course, every family's journey looks different as

well, so take what's useful for you and leave the rest. Our hope is that by

sharing our stories, you'll feel a little more supported and maybe pick up a

few ideas to try.

So Nat, can you talk about how you prepared for the meals?

Natalie Tealdi: With

my son, I made sure he was aware so. A couple of weeks beforehand mentioned,

you know, it's Grandpa P's big birthday, and we're gonna be going out for two

meals. One is at a pub, which was near to where we live, so he is quite

familiar with that setting.

And then the other one was at a place that we, he has never

been to And it's a, a bit of a posh restaurant, isn't it?

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah, it's An old

manor

house.

Natalie Tealdi:

There's dressing up involved. [00:02:00] It's

just got a very different feel. So I showed him pictures of the place so he

could see what it was like, and I talked him through what it would be like

inside.

So first we'd have drinks in the lounge area, then we go into

another room to have our meal. And I showed him pictures of the gardens and you

know, we can have a look around the garden. So if if you need time to go

outside, you can do that. So that's really how I prepared him for it. What did

you do?

Victoria Bennion:

We've been before at Christmas with just a smaller group, so I didn't do a

whole lot to prepare. My child has a calendar, he's now 11, so that's. for him

as a visual aide. He finds the calendar helpful. What he wants to know is how

long we're going to be there, how long it's going to take to get there.

The biggest stress for him. Was always going to be the food.

It's always the food. We'd pre-ordered the food. They're very flexible. Very, [00:03:00] very good. So There's an adult menu, which

I think when our mom and dad used to take us when we were young, we just

ordered off the adult menu.

I don't think was thought of, you know, to ask for anything

else. Not that we had difficulties in that area, but for my son, that's. I see

it as the experience. So I've long ago accepted that no food may be eaten if we

go to these places, but I see it as, helping their granddad celebrate his

birthday.

Let's make it an enjoyable experience in all the other ways and

take the stress off the food. So We pre-ordered the food, we pre-ordered

chicken nuggets and chips that can be hit to miss. Thinking about it. I

probably should have just pre-ordered chips, but we chicken nuggets and chips.

So He knew that. So he knew how long it was gonna take to get there, how long

we were going to be there, what he was going to eat we talked about who was

going to be there, so it was a bigger gathering than what used [00:04:00] to. When we go, When we've been before,

it's just been, , me, my husband, the two children, and mom and dad.

So only been six. So This time you were there with your family,

and then dad's friend and his wife were also there, so that doubled in size. So

I'd underestimated the impact of that that that would have on my son. . Not

that there's a lot that could be done about that, but he knew how many people

were going to be there.

And then I suppose in terms of what we take, he has his red

bag, which we have all his essentials. Um, Often I'll take a sticker book, but

he's 11, so it's a little bit borderline. But he he had his iPad. That's what

he needs to be able to tolerate those situations.

We have always in, in the bag, We always take the earbuds But

we have headphones that he can plug into his phone if he wants to listen to

music, if he needs to quiet it down that way. We have different things that he

can smell if there's [00:05:00] overpowering

smells, 'cause that will be another barrier when we go places sometimes if

there's strong food smells.

So That was what we did preparation wise. So How did your

preparation go?

Natalie Tealdi: It

was good until it came to actually leaving, leaving the house. I had ordered a

new T-shirt for him to wear and I tried really hard to choose soft fabric, a

style that I know he likes. so I chose a polo shirt, which is what he wears to

school, and he likes wearing those to school. So I thought that would be quite

easy switch from the norm. And he wore it fine, but he wanted

to wear his army joggers with the nice T-shirt. And I said, you know, needs to

be a bit smarter than that. , Let's wear some shorts. 'cause it was a warm day,

you know, and we had got some nice, smart shorts. No, don't wanna wear those.

Okay. So that was the first battle was the clothes

Then you could tell he was anxious. 'cause he [00:06:00] started asking me, , how long are we gonna

be there for? Who's gonna be there? All stuff that we'd been through. But now

it was on the cusp of going, he's obviously feeling more anxious, so we just

carried on and got his sister in the car and then suddenly he just freaks out

and takes all the clothes off and runs up to his room and refuses to go. So we

had quite some time where we weren't sure if we were gonna be able to go at

all.

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah. 'cause you called us in the car, didn't you? We were also late, but for

different reasons because we realized our tire was a bit flat when we went to

leave. You said, might not be coming. So we talked through, what could be the

options and maybe just taking the pressure off completely and saying, okay,

that's fine.

If you don't feel able to cope, you could stay at home with dad

and mom and your sister will just go, is, it's fine.

Natalie Tealdi: yeah.

That is basically what we did. So We just took all pressure off, gave him time

to calm down and [00:07:00] just gently try and

coax him, you know? do you think you could. Put your t-shirt on and come with

us. It got to the point where I was gonna be leaving on my own with his sister.

so I just said, look, I'm gonna have to go now. Uh, And then

he, he decided to come.

Victoria Bennion: And

I think that's quite a big part of it, having that ownership

, You chose to give him the space that he needed

and it meant that you were an hour late.

Natalie Tealdi: And

it is, it's balancing that stressor, isn't it? you know, the other family

members are gonna be waiting and getting a bit annoyed, but there's not really

anything you could do.

Victoria Bennion:

Yeah, that's it. it's either that you were gonna come and give him the time

that he needed to be ready, given with what you were dealing with, or you

weren't gonna come, so we got there. Right. and then how was he, when when you

arrived, had it helped? Looking at the pictures.

Natalie Tealdi: I

think it had helped. I think he was quite intrigued 'cause he quite likes to

treasure hunt. So I said we could go looking around the grounds to see if he

can find [00:08:00] anything. Um, So he was

quite excited by that. But when we got into the lounge to sit down and have the

drinks, he didn't want to be there.

He said, I need to, I need to leave. So I said, okay, we'll

just go outside. So took him outside and I'm glad I didn't order a start. I put

it that way. 'cause I, I, I wouldn't have had it.

Victoria Bennion: No,

you weren't in the room

Natalie Tealdi: no.

But it was enough for him to sort of get used to the surroundings. I said he

didn't have to eat anything if he didn't want to. That's absolutely fine. We

went back into the room and then he did actually eat his food, which I wasn't

expecting him to, but then he enjoyed the food

He did have chicken nuggets and chips, which is like a safe

option.

But though the chips, I dunno that yours picked it up, but the

chips had skin on either end

and usually that would put him off. And he noticed it and he

said, Ooh. But he ate [00:09:00] them. And

that's the first time he's ever eaten chips with skin bits on. But that could

have been end, end of it,

Victoria Bennion: So

Actually you had the tougher bit at the beginning and then he gradually he felt

more comfortable

Natalie Tealdi: And

He was even chatting at the table and quite relaxed for the rest of it. So

yeah, it

Victoria Bennion: For

my son, when the food arrived, I think he was pretty horrified. The chicken

nuggets were the breadcrumb type, I think it was that I'm just guessing, but

he.

Absolutely didn't want that food near him. So we ended up just

moving it away and taking the pressure off. And he was definitely very anxious.

They'd given us a room as we were quite a big party, which was good 'cause it

did mean we could come and go. He was playing a game on his phone.

He was playing Pokemon Go on his phone. So catching the

Pokemon, that was a distraction. But he kept asking me to start with, when are

we going, when are we going, when are we going? [00:10:00]

Again, I'm guessing, but I do wonder if it could be to do with the fact that it

was a big number of people.

He doesn't cope well with large numbers, and then you've got

the big food issues, so you've got all the people around the table eating all

these different things. I don't think any of it particularly smelled strong,

not to me. I don't have such sensitive smell though, as he does. So when you

came back to eat, we went out and that's when we went for a walk in the grounds

again, just to take all the pressure off, take, get away from the food.

And we had a nice walk and he showed me where he'd been with

his granddad a couple of years before and he was happy he was enjoying it in

that way. We just tried to focus on having a nice time. There's no pressure to

eat the food. If you don't want the food, that's fine.

And when we came back, I thought that he might contemplate the

food again, but he didn't. And then we had ice creams came for dessert. He

doesn't usually ice creams. Dairy's [00:11:00]

not the best for him, but sometimes he likes to try it. But I think that was a

good indicator to me that he wouldn't even have it near him.

In the end, someone else had it. I think we shared it out . But

the food, so he didn't eat a thing.

But then our dad's very good and he knows how My son's very

into numbers, which I think yours is, but he asked him to come up and. Talk him

through Pokemon trading, the cards. He collects the cards and then there's an

app that he uses where you can see the value of the cards and he likes tracking

things like that.

And dad's friend a stockbroker, so he wanted my son to show him

how it worked with trading cards. So he found that really interesting. And then

they had a great conversation about stock markets he absolutely loved

demonstrating how the Pokemon worked, that helped him and from his point of

view, had a good time.

And then when I realized, it's been a good few hours since he's

eaten. He's not eaten anything. We're now going in [00:12:00]

for the coffees. I had a Yorkie in his bag, which is one of his safe foods, and

I gave him that and it kept him going and he was happy. He was regulated. He

just couldn't access the food.

Natalie Tealdi: and I

think it's important say, even though you're going out for a meal, the focus

doesn't have to be the meal for our kids. If that's something that they

struggle with, but they still get the benefits in other ways, don't they Like

that conversation

Victoria Bennion:

Yes, that's

it.

Going for the walk. He remembers the high points. We make sure

that we focus on what's good. What's enjoyable and it's the time spent with the

family, the chatting with dad's friend, going for the walk or being together so

in his way he enjoyed that.

We all enjoyed it. It's just that it meals out for us, don't

look like how they do for some other families.

Natalie Tealdi:

That's right and I think it can, I dunno about you, but sometimes when I know

these things are [00:13:00] coming up I I know

that it can potentially be tricky and it puts me off wanting to go, but

sometimes it's worth pushing through

Victoria Bennion:

Yes, for the moments it's. I heard someone say this on stage a copywriter

called Laura Robinson. He's got two autistic boys, and she said you're not

necessarily going to have that perfect day, but there will be moments within

it. That make it worth it.

I'm paraphrasing, but I think that's how we have to look at

when we do things like that. There's likely gonna be challenging moments. Our

children experience the challenges in different ways. But. It was really great

for our dad and I think everybody had a good time.

I know what we were saying was, what would you do differently

next time when we were talking about it. And the thing is, you can't always

predict can you,, what is going to work? Even with the best preparation, things

can go wrong. It can just be the wrong day.

Natalie Tealdi: So

many other factors,

isn't there?

Victoria Bennion:

many [00:14:00] other factors. So you can't

beat yourself up over it. You can just do the best that you can to prepare. I

think what we find is really important, and I know you do the same, is just try

to be really respectful of their boundaries. Give them space, no force, stay

calm,

Natalie Tealdi: yeah,

that's the one for us is really staying calm and even though inside you might

be thinking, oh my God, they're all waiting for us and we gotta go. Don't show

that.

Victoria Bennion: No,

because you wouldn't have got there at all and he would've been upset. So you

have to stay as calm as possible. And I think something that we haven't needed

to talk about in this lunch is, can be sometimes you can get judgment from

other family members, other people at table.

In the room that we are in there wasn't any judgment there. We

are very lucky, but we have been in rooms with extended family and other people

where there is judgment and that's hard. One of the ways that I've dealt with

that before [00:15:00] is to try to educate

them, but I be honest, I think , it fell on deaf ears certainly when I tried.

I try to settle far away from those people. That would be my

strategy to try to keep my child away from it. And try not to take it to heart.

Don't try not to listen and just carry on 'cause you know what's best for your

child at the end of the day. And through trial and error, we know for us, for

him, this approach is best.

Natalie Tealdi: Yeah,

exactly. Yeah. You just have to ignore any other

opinions.

Victoria Bennion:

definitely.

Thanks for joining us today on the Autism Mums Podcast. We hope

you have found a little support, a...