In this episode, I (trauma-therapist, supervisor, Self care coach and author, Eve Menezes Cunningham) share how I transformed (and continue working with it) my inner critic using my rescue cats and better understanding of how trauma and ADHD affect the brain as inspiration. From 21 years of helping others, I reveal some simple shifts that have really helped.

✨ Key takeaways:

• Replace harsh self-talk with gentle "Evie Cat" (well, your equivalent) moments

• Remember, you're not stupid - you just have ADHD or trauma! Challenge that internalised ableism!!!

• Progress over purrfection, always

• Find people who've "harvested their own shame" for support

Whether you're navigating ADHD, trauma, or just being human, this episode offers practical tools for treating yourself with the compassion you, just like everybody else, deserve.

#SelfCompassion #ADHD #TraumaHealing #MentalHealth #SelfCare #InnerCritic #Therapy #Mindfulness #FeelBetterEveryDay

Feel Better Every Day! Learn from the Self (for that highest, wisest, truest, wildest, most joyful, brilliant and miraculous part of yourself) and self-care practices the professionals depend on.

With a mixture of solo and interview episodes, your host, Eve Menezes Cunningham (author of 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing) shares trauma-informed and VAST / ADHD-friendly self and Self* care ideas through the lens of the Feel. Love. Heal. framework to help you:

• Feel. Regulate your nervous system, work with your energy and do the things that help you create a life you don’t need to retreat from

• Love. Accept yourself completely with love, compassion and kindness – you don’t need to do a thing and

• Heal. Collective care to turn what hurts your heart into action to support your family, organisations, communities and the world at large

Thanks for watching.

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WANT TO WORK WITH ME?

• There’s the book – 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing – and all the book bonus videos.

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• If you want to support my work but don’t want to commit to a membership, even for a month, you can choose any amount at https://ko-fi.com/evemc

• Find out more about my private practice for one to one work. If you’re based in Ireland or the UK, it’s worth completing the short form at https://selfcarecoaching.net/contact to book your free telephone consultation in the hope that we can find a mutually convenient time to work together (trauma-informed and ADHD-friendly therapies, Self care coaching, clinical supervision and supervisor’s supervision).

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And if you’d like to leave a review and/or rate this and other episodes you’ve enjoyed, your feedback and support helps me help more people (of all genders) with trauma histories and/or ADHD take better care of their whole selves and create lives they don’t need to retreat from.

CHAPTERS

(0:21) Introduction to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast

(1:33) A Mistaken Date and Self-compassion

(3:15) ADHD and Challenging Internalised Labels

(4:36) The Feel. Love. Heal. Framework

(5:03) Feel: Kinder Self-talk and Emotional Release

(8:05) Love: Radical Self-acceptance and Rest

(9:36) Heal: Co-regulation and Compassion for Others

(12:03) Closing Reflections and Resources

DISCLAIMER

The content I share is not a replacement for one to one trauma therapy (etc). While you can do an enormous amount to support yourself, please always seek appropriate medical advice.

Thanks for watching. Please subscribe / follow and share with someone who you think will benefit from this episode.

FULL TRANSCRIPT

That make you feel like you have to DO in order to be worthy. You're already worthy. You're already lovable. You're already brilliant. And the more you love yourself, the more compassion you have for yourself, the more you will be able to connect with your resourcefulness, the more you'll be able to create, connect with your creativity.

Hi, you're listening to the Feel Better Every Day Podcast. I'm your host and producer Eve Menezes Cunningham. For 21 years next week, I've been running Feel Better Every Day (previously under different names, but for the past nearly 10 years, I don't know the exact years, but) Feel Better Every Day with Eve Menezes Cunningham (aka selfcarecoaching.net): Self care coaching, trauma-informed therapies and clinical supervision.

I'm also an author and columnist and I love sharing in these episodes. And today's is an unexpected one. My hair's still wet from swimming, but I hadn’t thought I'd be recording today. I was up late last night editing an extended episode for my 21st business birthday around lessons I've learnt in the hope that it will help you learn faster.

I've spent decades, for my own healing and in professional practice, so by sharing these things, the intention is that you don't have to do things the hard way like I did.

Speaking of the hard way, it got to about one o'clock in the morning and I suddenly realised my business birthday is the 9th of September, not the 2nd of September. So I'm way ahead having done so much editing on next week's episode, but I had nothing for today!

Obviously my immediate thought was, “Evie Cat!” But that alone is such huge progress because I would have spent most of my life beating myself up. For more about Evie Cat and using cats to help you feline better every day, working with Polyvagal Theory, you can go to selfcarecoaching.net/feline and listen to the cat episodes of the podcast.

But that, seriously, is one of the quickest things to do. Talk to yourself more gently. Yes, I was annoyed that it was late at night. Yes, I felt stupid. Yes, I thought I worked so hard to navigate dates and times and all the rest of it, and there I was. I'd missed a week.

I very quickly, because of my years and years and years of practice, reminded myself, OK, it's done, I can do another tomorrow. And in Ellyce Fulmore's words, “You're not stupid, you just have ADHD.”

I've read so much about ADHD and listened to so many podcasts and audiobooks and done additional trainings the past good few years now, pre-diagnosis and post. Ellyce Fulmore's book, Keeping Finance Personal, is really gorgeous, and throughout it, she has these little statements like, “You're not bad with money, you just have ADHD”, or “You're not ____, you just have ADHD.”

It's connecting with all those internalised, ableist, “You're lazy, you're stupid, you're all of this” that we've just taken for granted. Even with the work I'm doing, even with compassion being core to all of it, it's a challenge when you make a silly mistake.

The other day, I got my arm caught in the car door, because rather than putting it in the normal way, I put it in... Anyway, I'm constantly being ridiculous, and over the years, I've learnt to be kinder to myself as I do it, so I'm hoping that this episode (Hello, Rainbow!) will help you be kinder to yourself and recognise that whatever mistakes you're making, whatever you're finding challenging, you're not stupid, you just have ADHD, or you just have trauma, and that's absolutely fine.

Both impact executive functioning, and you can put supports in place, and I'm hoping that this episode will help you do that. I'm going to start with the feel part of the Feel. Love. Heal. Framework.

I've said a bit about some of what I do in terms of the kinder self-talk, the more soothing self-talk, but I want you to encourage yourself to do whatever helps you. For me, Rainbow coming here right now, she is what helped me internalise that more friendly self-talk. Because when she came from the shelter, I wanted her to feel as safe, as secure, as loved as possible, and I had already learnt about Polyvagal Theory.

She's nearly 14, and wow, yes, through the trauma-informed yoga training, and talking to her more kindly, it really integrated my talking to myself more kindly. So, again, in the past, it would have been an immediate, “For f***'s sake, but now it's like , “Evie Cat…” And it's still not like, “Woo-hoo! Evie Cat!” but it's a gentler version. Progress, not purrfection, always.

Think for yourself who you might imagine talking to. Internalise that for yourself. You might have a gorgeous rescue cat or four, well, technically two, I just still feed the every day. You might have a baby, you might have a lizard, you might have donkeys next door, whatever your situation. Think about a puppy, think about any creature who you know you would not be subjecting to the kind of way in which you talk to yourself.

Notice how that feels, and also don't force it, don't force the gentleness. I knew last night that I could quickly record, I have loads and loads of ideas. Yes, I'd missed a week in my yearly plan, because this is the first year I've planned content, but I wasn't worried about creating a shorter podcast episode. I knew I could do it.

If I'd been more worried, if I'd been more stressed, if I'd been more anxious, I could have screamed, or stamped, or done some strong yoga, or push-ups, or jogging on the spot, or gone for a bike ride in the middle of the night, or whatever it might have been. Because it's so important to move the painful emotions out of your body.

Improv massively helped me years ago. I wrote about in the book. You might have classes near you, there might be classes online. Just recognising that life is messy, and the more you can play with it, the more you can learn that Yes And… approach that is the basis of so much improvisation, the easier you can pivot.

And it's actually not a big deal. It's not stopping me doing anything today, just before lunch, doing a quick recording straight out the swimming pool. Moving to the Love part of the Feel. Love. Heal. Framework, accept your whole self.

Accept the part of yourself that feels so stupid, that feels so inadequate, that has internalised ableism, when you don't want to have (internally or externally) any kind of ism. The part of you that is exhausted, the part of you that keeps repeating certain behaviours that aren't in your best interest.

Let yourself rest, build in more time to rest, build in more time to sleep than you think you'll need. Look after yourself, build in space to just be, to not have demands on yourself, to not have to perform, to not have to be doing all the things that make you feel like you have to do in order to be worthy.

You're already worthy, you're already lovable, you're already brilliant and the more you love yourself, the more compassion you have for yourself, the more you will be able to connect with your resourcefulness, the more you'll be able to create, connect with your creativity, your playfulness and enjoy life.

Feeling joy, feeling positive emotions, it's helping with nervous system regulation and it's helping you then be a positive force for improving your life, your loved one's lives and the world around you.

Which is how we move into the Heal section of the Feel. Love. Heal. Framework. Co-regulate. Recognise you might often be there for other people. Think about the people who can be there for you.

Even in the middle of the night. I was able to send a message to my partner, kind of like Doh! but in a friendly way to myself. And I knew that he would not be shaming me, like empathising and being friendly. There are other loved ones who I adore and who would have been like, “Oh Eve! Why do you keep doing this?”

Basically the voices I internalised as a small child. I adore them but I've spent my adult life healing from them. As Brené Brown talks about with shame and vulnerability, it's really important to talk to people, to shine a light on it and it's really important to discern who you're talking to.

If I were to have spoken to someone who didn't understand, I'd have felt worse rather than just like, yeah it's fine, I'll sort it tomorrow. You need to find people who have harvested their own shame, their own. We're all human, we'll have areas we feel better about and worse about.

But think when you need to heal, when you need that support or when you're helping someone else. If someone is coming to you feeling ridonkulous about whatever it is they've done, feeling stupid and if you're feeling triggered by what they're saying and if you're kind of noticing you're having to bite your tongue and not agree with them, give them a hug or kindly let them know that you haven't dealt with all of your stuff around this. They might want to go into a deeper conversation with someone else around it. There's no shame in knowing our limitations. The more you have that compassion for yourself, the more you can extend it to others and vice versa.

We can have compassion for others so, so easily, especially with justice sensitivity. And we can learn from that, like I did with the cats, to extend some of that to myself. And my life has transformed in these past 21 years and certainly in the last decade.

Sending enormous love to you wherever you are, whatever you're feeling, welcoming all the emotions rather than toxic positivity telling yourself, “I shouldn't feel stupid.” If you feel stupid, give yourself a hug, connect with that painful, painful realisation that there's a part of you that feels stupid!

Try the self-care ideas I've shared here. Let me know how you're getting on. I love hearing from you.

You can email me or connect through the comments and if you would like to subscribe you can do so.

We're going to have a deeper dive on this in the Sole to Soul Circle tomorrow, so if you are interested you can find out how to join via selfcarecoaching.net and you can access all the episodes through the feelbettereverydaypodcast.com as well as wherever you get your podcasts on YouTube or whatever app you like.

If you subscribe through any of them or follow or to my newsletter you can then get additional information but you might just like to dip in and out and it's whatever's going to be best for you.

I hope you have a gorgeous week ahead. In the show notes you'll find full transcripts and links and other resources that includes the book Self Care, nope, 365 Ways to Feel Better: Self-care Ideas for Embodied Wellbeing and there are loads of free resources on the website as well as information about the Sole to Soul Circle and more.

That's selfcarecoaching.net and if you use the search bar you can basically type in anything or go under specialisms to find things specific to for example sleep or ADHD or trauma or menopause or whatever it might be if that's one of my specialisms.

Sending enormous love again and I look forward to sharing the extended episode for my 21st business birthday (which is almost done thanks to my mistake so woohoo!) and have a brilliant week.

Lots of love.