This week on Nate Knows Nothing, I bought a stranger a slice of pizza and accidentally had my most wholesome moment of 2025. Meanwhile, my fake owl has become a pigeon magnet, and the new pope just reignited Chicago’s crosstown baseball beef. Turns out he’s a lifelong White Sox fan, and yes, the Cubs tried to claim him anyway.

Over in corporate clownery, HBO Max rebranded back to HBO Max, officially making it the most indecisive streaming service since whatever Quibi was. In Norway, a fruit company opened a banana shipment and found 40 million dollars worth of cocaine, which honestly is the most exciting thing to ever happen to a banana.

And TikTok? It’s turning caviar into a driveway snack. Pair it with fries, chips, tater tots, you name it, they’re putting fish eggs on it. Also, national parks are now being promoted via thirst traps. It’s conservation with abs.

It’s a weird one this week. Dumb, rich in sodium, and blessed by a pope with strong Sox energy.