Let's face it: You're lying in bed at 2am doing the math on your age, your bank account, and where you thought you'd be by now—and the shame is crushing you.

You already know this timeline you're measuring yourself against is bullshit. Here's the thing: Time is irrelevant, but your nervous system capacity isn't. What your body could hold in your 20s is completely different from what it can hold now—and that's not failure. That's evolution.

This episode exposes the toxic pattern of measuring your worth against arbitrary timelines while your nervous system has been doing the actual work of keeping you alive through every identity shift, every pivot, every version of yourself you've outgrown. Michelle gets brutally honest about her own 20s (impressive resume, money, success) versus her 40s (struggling, pivoting, still not at "that next level")—and why comparing those chapters is the trap.

You're not alone. Your body has gotten you this far. This is your reckoning. Yet.

IS THIS EPISODE FOR YOU?

Listen if you're:

✓ Lying awake comparing your current reality to where you "should be" by now and drowning in shame

✓ Struggling with the feeling that everyone else figured it out except you

✓ Experiencing a midlife crisis or identity shift and judging yourself for not being further along

✓ Stuck in a cycle of self-blame while ignoring that your nervous system has been keeping you alive through massive transitions

✓ Terrified of success (not failure) because you know what it will require of you

✓ Ready to release arbitrary timelines and trust what your body actually needs

✓ Interested in nervous system healing and understanding why your body couldn't hold certain things at certain times

✓ Comparing your messy 40s to someone else's curated success story and spiraling

This is for you if you're done shitting on yourself for not being where you thought you'd be—and ready to get honest about what's actually keeping you stuck.

WHAT GETS EXPOSED

The "should be further along" shame spiral that measures your worth on arbitrary timelines—and why time is irrelevant but nervous system capacity isn't

Why constantly comparing your current chapter to your past success (or someone else's highlight reel) is a trap that ignores the identity evolution required to get where you're going

The uncomfortable truth about fear of success versus fear of failure—what happens when you resist the pivot not because it won't work, but because you're terrified it will

How your body and nervous system can only hold so much—and why that 20-something version of yourself with the impressive resume couldn't have done what you're being called to do now

The pattern of staying stuck in familiar cycles (Instagram when you know LinkedIn is the move, traditional offers when you're not a coach) because the familiar feedback loop feels safer than the unknown breakthrough

BURKE BOMBS

💣 "Your body has gotten you this far. Your nervous system, no matter how unregulated it is, has gotten you to this day. And that is something to be grateful for."

💣 "We are the reason why our life is the way that it is. No one else. Ancestral history conditioned your nervous system, but we have the power to say, 'Fuck this shit. This doesn't serve me anymore.'"

💣 "If your mentor isn't triggering you, if they're not pushing you, if they're not having you want to say fuck you and exit the Zoom—they're not doing their job."

💣 "That 20-year-old version of yourself had no fucking clue what she was doing. Just like the 40-something or 50-something version of yourself has no fucking clue. Yet we're doing it."

💣 "I've resisted LinkedIn not out of fear of failure, but out of fear of success—out of the fear of it actually working."

QUESTIONS ANSWERED IN THIS EPISODE

Why do I feel so much shame about not being further along in life?

Because you're measuring yourself against arbitrary timelines instead of honoring where your nervous system actually is. Time is irrelevant. What your body could hold in your 20s is completely different from what it can hold now. The shame comes from judging yourself on a timeline that ignores your actual evolution and nervous system capacity. That version of yourself from 10 years ago couldn't do what you're being called to do now—your body literally couldn't have held it then.

Jump to: [03:45] for Michelle's story of success in her 20s versus struggle in her 40s

How do I know if I'm stuck in a familiar pattern versus actually moving forward?

Look at where you're resisting the pivot you already know you need to make. Are you showing up on Instagram when you know LinkedIn is your platform? Offering traditional packages when you know you're not a coach? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Your body keeps choosing the familiar feedback loop because it's addicted to it—even when you consciously know it's not serving you.

Jump to: [14:20] for how to identify your resistance patterns

What's the difference between fear of failure and fear of success?

Fear of failure keeps you from starting. Fear of success keeps you from pivoting even when you know exactly what the next move is—because you're terrified it will actually work and require everything of you. Most high-achieving women aren't afraid of failing. They're afraid of succeeding and what that level of visibility, responsibility, or transformation will demand.

Jump to: [16:35] for Michelle's admission about resisting LinkedIn

How do I release the shame and actually move forward?

Get brutally honest with yourself until you get angry at yourself. Feel where the shame lives in your body—throat tension, heavy chest, gut punch, elephant on your lower abdomen. Let it course through you without bypassing it. Then write two letters: one thanking your past self for getting you here, and one to your future self asking her what steps to take next. She'll tell you. Your body already knows.

Jump to: [18:50] for the two-letter exercise

CONVERSATION BREAKDOWN WITH TIMESTAMPS

[00:00] - Back from New Hampshire and the 9-hour drive from hell that became a walking meditation

[02:15] - The shame spiral that hit at 2am: "I should be further along by now"

[03:45] - Michelle's impressive 20s (money, resume, adjunct professor before 30) versus her struggling 40s

[06:30] - Why that version of herself had to die: outgrowing identities and moving to the beach

[08:20] - The hard truth: "I'm in my late 40s and I haven't hit that next level yet"

[09:45] - Burke Bomb: Your body can only hold so much—nervous system capacity determines what's possible

[11:10] - Lying in bed letting everything course through instead of bypassing

[12:30] - The messy truth: We repeat cycles because they're familiar, we're addicted to the feedback loop

[14:20] - "We are the reason our life is the way it is"—the uncomfortable truth about personal responsibility

[16:35] - Michelle's confession: Resisting LinkedIn not from fear of failure, but fear of success

[18:10] - If your mentor isn't triggering you enough to want to exit the Zoom, they're not doing their job

[19:40] - Releasing the shame: Get honest with yourself until you get angry at yourself

[20:50] - The somatic practice: Where is the shame living in your body?

[22:15] - The two-letter exercise: Thank your past self, ask your future self for guidance

[24:30] - Michelle's pivot: Taking pressure off Instagram, diving into LinkedIn, showing up for life

[26:45] - The final truth: Stop shitting on yourself and do the work to get there

ABOUT MICHELLE BURKE

Michelle Burke is the bestselling author of Hot Mess Magic, keynote speaker, and host of Hot Mess Magic podcast.

She doesn't do curated advice or toxic positivity. She tells the truth that gut-punches you awake.

Hot Mess Magic was born from the fire—the breakdowns, the unraveling, the full-blown identity crises. The kind that crack you open and refuse to let you go back to who you were.

This isn't self-help. It's self-trust.

Connect with Michelle:

📧 Newsletter: https://substack.com/@michelleaburke

📱 Instagram: @michelleaburke

📖 Book: Hot Mess Magic

Work with Michelle:

💬 Intuitive Clarity Sessions (one-on-one guidance for trusting yourself again)

🎤 Speaking

KEY REALIZATIONS FROM THIS EPISODE

On arbitrary timelines:

"We're judging ourselves and feeling all this shame on an arbitrary timeline. Time is irrelevant. What is meant for us is going to come for us when our nervous system can hold it." - Michelle

On identity evolution

"That version of self I had outgrown. That's why I needed to leave northern New Jersey and move down to the beach—because that new identity could not have been created where I was previously living." - Michelle

On being triggered:

"If the people you're working with aren't sitting there having you want to say fuck you and exit out of the Zoom, if they're not triggering something in you, they're not doing their job." - Michelle

On the hot mess truth:

"Each and every one of us is a hot mess, whether we want to admit it or not, because no one has a fucking clue what they're doing. We all look good on paper." - Michelle

On fear of success:

"I've resisted LinkedIn not out of fear of failure, but out of the fear of success, out of the fear of it actually working." - Michelle

THE UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH NOBODY'S SAYING

You can have the impressive resume, the money, the accolades in your 20s—and still end up struggling in your 40s. And that's not failure.

Michelle's nervous system in her 20s could hold environmental consulting for the EPA, county government work, adjunct professor status, creating education programs that reached 600+ students. Her 40s? Blowing through savings, doing the roommate thing, struggling to hit the next level in business. The shame says "you should be further along." The truth says "your body is evolving you, and different chapters require different capacities."

The river is trying to evolve you. You can resist the pivot you already know you need to make, or you can let it carry you.

Michelle knew for years Instagram wasn't her platform. She knew LinkedIn was the move. But she resisted—not from fear of failure, but from fear of success. Fear that it would actually work and require everything of her. That's the trap: staying in the familiar feedback loop (Instagram, traditional offers, being a "coach") because your nervous system is addicted to it, even when you consciously know it's not serving you.

And if you're thinking, "But I'm in my late 40s and I thought I'd be somewhere else by now..."

So is Michelle. So are thousands of high-achieving women lying awake at 2am doing the math on their age and bank account and feeling crushed by shame. The difference? She's getting brutally honest about the resistance, feeling where the shame lives in her body, and making the pivot anyway. Messy. Public. With no guarantee.

Stop measuring yourself against arbitrary timelines. Start honoring what your nervous system can actually hold.

Write the two letters. Thank your past self for getting you this far. Ask your future self what she needs you to do next. She'll tell you. Your body already knows. You're just scared it will actually work.

You're not broken. You never were. You just forgot that evolution isn't linear—and your 20-year-old self with no fucking clue got you here. Your 40-something self with no fucking clue will get you there.

Your people are here. This is your reckoning. Yet.

RESOURCES MENTIONED

Nervous System Capacity & Regulation - Understanding why your body can only hold certain experiences at certain times

Somatic Experiencing - Feeling emotions in your body instead of bypassing them

LISTEN & SUBSCRIBE

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If this episode cracked something open—if you're lying awake measuring yourself against timelines that don't account for your actual nervous system capacity—subscribe so you never miss an episode.

And if you're ready to release the shame and get honest about the pivot you've been resisting? Leave a review. Tell us what this conversation exposed for you.

Your mess is your medicine. Your breakdown is your breakthrough.

Welcome to Hot Mess Magic.

TAGS

#SelfTrustAfter40 #MidlifeCrisisWomen #IdentityCrisisWomen #NervousSystemHealing #HotMessMagic #MichelleBurke #ShameRelease #ArbitraryTimelines #FearOfSuccess #MidlifeReinvention #GenXWomen #XennialWomen #IdentityEvolution #BreakdownToBreakthrough #TrustingYourIntuition #SomaticHealing #NervousSystemCapacity #MiningYourMess #SacredMess #DoItMessy #MidlifeTransformation #HighAchieverBurnout

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