Dear Evil Engineer: Could I pick off tourists near my house with a microwave weapon?

Evil Engineer

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A directed-energy weapon could deter dawdling tourists, but your energy would be better spent throwing stuff.

Dear Evil Engineer,

Five years ago, I hung up the white cat and retired to a pleasant village in the Cotswolds. Unfortunately, this village has been flung to unwanted prominence as the location used for filming a hit period drama series.

Life has gone from perfect tranquillity to being disrupted daily by the arrival of half a dozen buses which dump tourists to trample about, posing for photos in front of our homes.

Always having struggled with confrontation, I’m looking for a way to get rid of tourists from outside my cottage without having to tell them to leave (putting out a sign and chaining a Nile crocodile outside my front door has only made my home more of a photo opportunity).

Ideally, I’d like to be able to shoot them from my bedroom window, but using microwave weapons rather than bullets, so as not to leave incriminating shrapnel in the bodies. Could you advise me as to how to proceed?

Yours,

A retired and retiring villain

10 episodes

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