The unnerving power of no

Alchemy For Life

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3M ago 8:29

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We deal with decisions every day. Many of the episodes deal with the decision process on both a grand and low level. Three Voices deals with how we communicate these decisions, work through them, talk to both ourselves and others about them. Going with your gut—the universal advice–is telling you to listen to your first voice.

Understanding the “Why” Behind Your Choices

Sometimes we say yes, and sometimes we say no. BeCAUSE! explores the why behind those decisions, why some feel really good, and why others might feel really bad. Sometimes the wrong decision feels good and sometimes the right one feels bad.

Why the Right Decision Can Feel Bad

But how can the right one feel bad? It’s for the same reason that having your third piece of cake can feel good. If you’ve read BeCAUSE! then you know that we are seeking pleasure and avoiding pain on a complex granular level. We want the cake because the first two felt pretty good, ya know what I mean? But that doesn’t make it the right decision. Diets sometimes feel bad. Avoiding a food we love feels bad, avoiding a food we consider a reward feels worse, and avoiding a food we deem to be the only reward we get in our very stressful, controlled life feels horrible. But it’s the right thing to do.

We get this mostly when it comes to ‘guilty pleasures’ or things that we consider to be things we do purely for pleasure—playing games, watching TV and movies, binge watching our favorite series, escaping deep into a book, desserts, hobbies, etc. But we are far less cognizant of this when it comes to seemingly neutral decisions—or even decisions that aren’t even needed.

High-Stakes Decisions: When “No” is the Right Move in Business

Take for example the dilemma of the solopreneur. Every dollar counts and each new client and gig is a win, right? Keep building, keep growing, keep increasing your reach and client base. More and more work. More and more clients. But what happens when a new gig isn’t a fit? What happens when a new client isn’t a fit? Should you do it anyway?

Take creatives like people who produce music, or art. If a company wants them to create a jingle for alcohol, but their music is about the opposite (or the band leader is sober now going on five years) what then?

Take the manager that has to interview a number of people, but is told that one individual is good for the company but there are two others that clearly have better skills, a personality more in line with the mission, and a better track record. What then?

What if your small company is presented with an opportunity to rescue a company from a crumbling infrastructure and you could be the hero? On paper it looks like a great opportunity if they just purchase all the equipment you propose and allow you the control needed to make it work for them (with ongoing involvement). But what if your first voice, your gut, your intuition tells you this won’t be the way it plays out, that in fact it will be a struggle to have them on board with what will really work. Then what?

The Power and Difficulty of a Single Word

One word. One difficult one. One word that can cause you to have stress and regret and soul-searching.

Business vs. Relationships: An Instinctive Difference

What is interesting is that I have to spell it out and make a case by case example of this in business, but if we were to apply this to relationships you would instantly get it. You’d know that someone isn’t a match, or that you’ve had red-flags experience and would make the very personal decision to end a relationship, or not even pursue one that fit the parameters. And you might even be offended that I am trying to tell you the kind of people you should pursue a relationship with.

In business we operate—seemingly—on simple rules of profit, margin, growth strategies, and all those other exciting terms we see ad nauseam on LinkedIn. But we don’t talk much about the clients you don’t pursue. But we should.

Navigating the Internal Conflict of Saying No

Saying no can be difficult. It can activate all sorts of Monsters and Unicorns that manipulate you into seeking the pleasure of making someone happy, being the hero, gaining more profit, gaining more status, having a perfect record. It will activate the monsters that push you away from the pain of seeing your bottom line continue to shrink, or the self-esteem drain of thinking a better person could do it, or the fear of missing out on an opportunity, or the pain of having your reputation be affected by a lack of skill.

So one must take the time and energy to activate the Monsters and Unicorns that seek the pleasure of being honest with yourself, or knowing that you choose the right thing over the obvious thing, or avoiding the pain of the hidden time bomb of being blamed for the failure of a system that is about to fall apart.

A Personal Story: The Long-Term Reward of My First “No”

I remember my first no, years ago, when I had a meeting with a potential client. I met with them, saw their environment, spoke to the president. After a short while they let me know that they weren’t going to pursue me. I thanked them for their time and months later saw an article that applied to them. I thought it would be helpful for her to take a peek and I happily sent it to her. Weeks later she was so impressed by this that she mentioned that, and wanted to have me come in for a second, deeper look. This time I was dealing with a marketing person, and the deeper look revealed items that were completely unknown, a pricing structure that was non-existent, and an elevator ride in which I was told to make sure that I “showed up on time.” In two decades (at the time) of client interaction I had never missed a meeting, an appointment nor had I ever taken a sick day.

All those pieces came together into a resounding, but polite no, which was met with a “Oh so you think you probably can’t handle this.”

Two weeks after this I experienced something unique. Passing an exit sign on the freeway (which mentioned this business) gave me a terrible sinking feeling of my new client. Except that they weren’t. It was a three second roller coaster of opposing feelings—the dread and shock to the realization and relief. My no had paid off.

Applying Past Lessons to a Present Decision

I find myself in a similar situation right now and am reminded of my first no. Back then I wasn’t aware of the Monsters and Unicorns and their purposes and placement.

But I see them now and I appreciate what they are doing and ultimately I will decide.

And I’ve decided the right answer is no.

Do you have a difficult “no” you’re trying to figure out? Let me know and I can help you identify the Monsters & Unicorns involved.

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