Best Gary Mcfarlane Podcasts (2025)

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Sex Addict and partner choice - same for us all 8:08

Play Pause

4d ago8:08

8:08

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and cons…

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Sex Addict: "I chose you, then (nearly) destroyed us" 8:19

11d ago8:19

8:19

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours. When we meet a potential pa…

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Sex Addiction does serious damage to the couple 8:19

19d ago8:19

8:19

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of li…

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Has the relationship passed being retrievable? 10:10

21d ago10:10

10:10

At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up. Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for o…

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Sex/Porn/Love Addiction counselling is specialised Therapy 6:18

25d ago6:18

6:18

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes. In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framewor…

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Couples Conflict & Sex don't mix 5:53

1M ago5:53

5:53

When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict. Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then s…

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Sex Addict - first learn Intimacy, Sensuality & Romance, before sex 7:04

1M ago7:04

7:04

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict. Yet, touch is exactly what…

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EMDR for Sex Addicts with unresolved childhood issues 11:02

1M ago11:02

11:02

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Unresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing). Another …

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Sex Addiction: Repairing the damaged couple - The Change Process 9:52

2M ago9:52

9:52

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Have you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) Hymn What has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years …

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'I just don't get it - This thing called Marriage or Partnership' 11:49

2M ago11:49

11:49

Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect. They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesti…

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Repairing the damaged couple post Sex Addiction 9:56

2M ago9:56

9:56

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect. They are not negotiable human need…

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HOOK UP CULTURE: The Testosterone trap - facts 9:22

2M ago9:22

9:22

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Testosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes. Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher li…

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HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts (2) 6:40

2M ago6:40

6:40

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Men's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female: The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiolo…

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Intro to The Singles Partners Marrieds Long Time Marrieds Podcast 11:49

2M ago11:49

11:49

Here is a summary of some of the topics covered in the programme: “An Eclectic mix” of counselling and psychotherapy models. Those models include psychodynamic, Systemic, CBT, EMDR, EFT, Gottman, how the past has its tentacles in our present and is affecting our future; moving as much issues from the unseen (the unconscious); bring about change – o…

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HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts 8:22

3M ago8:22

8:22

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Alcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women. Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sex…

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Sex Addicts - Sex Ed that 'Porn & Peers' didn't teach you (3) 6:30

3M ago6:30

6:30

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In all your getting, get understanding: Men see female promiscuity as a deal breaker. If a man finds that a woman is not sexually active, he will intuitively feel that she is more likely to be faithful. Sexual integrity and sexual loyalty, is the most valued t…

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Sex Addicts - Sex Ed that 'Porn & Peers' didn't teach you 6:45

3M ago6:45

6:45

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The younger the age that a female experiences sexual arousal, the higher the socio-sexual index she is going to have. (Socio-sexual index is the amount of casual/'promiscuity' sex that a person has). The higher the promiscuity at a younger age, the more open t…

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'Take Homes' for young Sex Addicts (1) 6:05

3M ago6:05

6:05

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Gen A and their siblings, listen up. Hear this bit of neurobiology. At puberty, males Androgen levels explode at puberty and between aged 13 to 15. It is 10 to 30 times higher at puberty, than pre-puberty. In females, Androgen levels (such as Testosterone - an…

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Sex Addicts Relapse Prevention Plan & you are almost there! 10:14

3M ago10:14

10:14

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre In this episode, the audio takes you through matters which could be contained in a Relapse prevention card which you keep with you at all times. This narrative will focus upon what might be included in a Personal Relapse Prevention Plan (PRPP): Your identified…

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Sex Addict - the end is nigh - Don't take your foot off the gas 8:43

4M ago8:43

8:43

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Don't approach your one year (from last 'Acting out) sobriety, as an end to the work. Don't do 'out of sight out of mind'; 'I never want to see that Recovery Programme material again'. Don't do it like that - at the end. 'I can stop reciting my 'Pillars' now. …

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Sex Addict - plan for lifelong success - not watching for Relapse in the rear view mirror 10:42

4M ago10:42

10:42

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre You need to applaud yourself on a job well done - to have got this far - at least one year from last Acting out. Now work towards achieving contentment. Life is a balancing act. On the one hand, you need to keep old habits at bay. Yet, on the other hand, you n…

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Sex Addict - Recovery work does not have to be for life, but.... 9:23

4M ago9:23

9:23

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Relapse Prevention tools are for life. Why? Because the neural Pathway that was opened, created and practised for many years, is dominant, but has the potential to be reactivated in an instant. It is easier to reactivate it and it becoming larger than life, fo…

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Sometimes you have to just R.U.N for your life - from Sex Addiction 10:05

4M ago10:05

10:05

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre When all your Recovery Programme tools, skills and resources are not coming to your aid - have failed you - just R.U.N. There are times when all else fails and R.U.N really is the last option available to you in that moment. Don't debate with yourself; don't r…

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"You're such a liar brain": Who, me? Sex Addiction? 8:47

5M ago8:47

8:47

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre 'Brain, I'm telling you - you don't fight fair. Underhand. Dirty. I'm trying to do this for us. Are you listening to me?' I do a strange thing with everyone of my Sex Addiction clients. Multi-talented as I am, I do brain surgery on each one. (Mine is a bit cru…

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Sex Addicts - your brain is not always your best friend 9:23

5M ago9:23

9:23

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Undistort your Cognitive Distortions. How? What are Cognitive Distortions? Examples might be: 'All guys do it', 'At least I am no longer visiting porn sites', 'I'll only be on here for 5 minutes, no longer', 'What I do, is not as bad as...', 'What an horrendou…

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Negative Core Beliefs sabotage Sex Addiction Recovery 10:20

5M ago10:20

10:20

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Negative Core Beliefs are often hidden from view. Often disguised; but masquerade as truths. They live in the unconscious. Not easily touchable. They work away in the hidden place doing their worst. They are uninvited guests. They have over stayed their invita…

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Those with Sex Addiction - Cognitive comes before the behaviour 9:38

5M ago9:38

9:38

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Create new thinking to change the behaviour. How? A step at a time, to re-wire the brain. Create new Neural Pathways progressively over time. What is this thing called Neural Pathways? The hamster wheel patterns of behaviours. Those habits. The programming so …

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Triggers are potholes for Porn Addicts 9:30

6M ago9:30

9:30

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery Verse I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find…

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Triggers may be an ally, not a foe - Sex Addiction clients! 10:11

6M ago10:11

10:11

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers are a clue to our dissociated Traumas - So says Carolyn Spring in Part 2 of her article on Managing Triggers: https://www.carolynspring.com/blog/we-have-two-choices-when-triggered/ The past events that we want to avoid thinking about or confronting, m…

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Triggers don't play fair in the Sex Addicts world 8:00

6M ago8:00

8:00

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Triggers don't play fair. They are often unpredictable (like a music track which comes on) and moves you from chilled to a fight to maintain sobriety. So underhand. Not a nice play partner. Carolyn Spring talks about the aftermaths of Triggers, from the sense …

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Sex Addicts - turning off Fight/Flight/Freeze response - ain't an option 11:30

6M ago11:30

11:30

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The cave man/cave woman response of Fight/Flight/Freeze, is alive and well. Don't beat your brain up too badly. It is just doing what it was designed to do to protect you. The options it chooses or gravitates to, are at times, rather dubious and for Sex Addict…

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More Neuroscience from some very clever clogs - for Sex Addiction folks 10:52

6M ago10:52

10:52

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Let me not re-invent the wheel in this episode. There are some really clever people who say it better than me (even if rather brain hurtingly academical)! Read this Article: The impact of the digital revolution on human brain and behavior: where do we stand? L…

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Sex Addiction Neuroscience stuff - lush knowledge!....I think! 9:27

7M ago9:27

9:27

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre There is a correlation between Sex Addiction and ADHD. When faced with 'danger' on a daily basis (even whilst in the womb!), healthy brain development is derailed and impeded. The area in the brain called the Amygdala (the smoke alarm for danger), increase in …

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Brain stuff - that isn't boring for the Porn Addict 9:49

7M ago9:49

9:49

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre I like this article by Luke Gilkerson (as long ago as 2012), when he interviewed a Neuroscientist called Dr William Struthers - author of the book "How pornograpghy Hijacks the male brain" Dr Struthers explains what hormones and neurotransmitters are involved …

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Attachment Styles is a big deal in Sex/Porn/Love Addiction 8:43

7M ago8:43

8:43

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Remember, you cannot change what you cannot see and don't understand. Even when you can better see the problem and understand it, does not mean that you can change it - quickly. Insecure Attachment behaviours is one such pattern, which needs to be understood -…

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Love Addicts hate themselves - but don't tell 7:19

7M ago7:19

7:19

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Love Addiction is often a response to Insecure Attachment. It looks like it is about sex and chasing sexual outlets, but it isn't really about sex - as the core desire. It is an attempt to gain a sense of 'being wanted', 'being a part of...','accepted', 'owned…

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'Insecure Attachment' = Detachment, Rejection, Loss, Let go of - to Sex/Porn/Love Addicts 8:29

8M ago8:29

8:29

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The Insecure 'ATTACHMENT' label does not describe accurately, what is really in the can with this label on it! It is exactly the opposite. It typically is set up in the early childhood development years. Often, they are experiences which you can't readily or e…

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Sex/Porn/Love Addiction is used to meet depleted Core Emotional Needs 12:41

8M ago12:41

12:41

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre There are three ways in which we try to get our Core Emotional Needs met. Meeting Core emotional needs is not negotiable. They want to be met and kept filled up at high levels. The reality, however, is that life takes a toll upon us and Core Emotional Needs de…

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The antidote to Narcissism for Sex Addicts, is Empathy 9:27

8M ago9:27

9:27

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Narcissism and Empathy (like same poles of a magnet) cannot co-exist together in the same space. They repel each other. Likewise, they cannot co-exist in the same person at equally high levels. Either they will have a high level of Narcissistic traits and a lo…

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Narcissistic - who? Not me! - just because of sex Addiction! 10:25

8M ago10:25

10:25

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Don't go looking up the term on Google and it spewing out a whole heap of stuff that blinds you and gets your back up! I am not suggesting Sex/Porn/Love Addicts are a Narcissists - Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) - is one of the most difficult mental H…

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SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION 9:17

9M ago9:17

9:17

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION. Too simplistic? Maybe, but it is a good place to start, if you want to better understand the reason for the activities - as an outlet for Shame & Narcissism. Try hard to come out from under the umbrella of covering that Sham…

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"SHAME on you" - are particularly triggering, toxic & impactful words to Sex Addicts 8:51

9M ago8:51

8:51

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Shame is set up in childhood. Life is unfair. Yep. The presence of shame is a particularly powerful driver for sexual addiction. Shame means “to hide” and is a hidden companion of Narcissism. SHAME + NARCISSISM = SEX ADDICTION Shame is the painful feeling of b…

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Scapegoating can go on for only so long - folks with Sex Addiction! 6:54

9M ago6:54

6:54

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre Scapegoating can go on for only so long. Then a need to accept responsibility for adult choices. The Kairos Centre do an extensive History Taking to build a profile understanding of the adult, impacted by childhood development issues. The feedback hypothesis c…

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Don't forget the partner - in the Sex Addiction Recovery Journey 7:05

9M ago7:05

7:05

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre He “caused” our problems and yet once again the focus and everyone’s attention is on him. The family income is being used by him again for his benefit, on top of the spend he has already enjoyed on his addiction. It’s just not fair. I am left here with his stu…

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It isn't all about me - this thing of Sex Addiction Recovery 10:41

10M ago10:41

10:41

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre If you are in a partnered relationship, re-build integrity with yourself by signing a 'Couples Recovery Plan'. Recovery - in a partnered relationship - is about the partnership, not only about your recovery at all. Your signature on the 'Couples Recovery Plan'…

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Give back control brain: Then I won't need porn Addiction 9:03

10M ago9:03

9:03

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre The ability to quickly recognize fearful situations and other emotional signals, may be critical to survival, as it enables us to detect potential threats. The amygdala is believed to play a central role in these processes. The amygdala is a small, almond-shap…

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Some replacement positive self-soothing Hamster wheel tools for Sex/Porn Addiction 8:02

10M ago8:02

8:02

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre They are called the 4 Elements tools - which I teach my EMDR ("trauma") clients. These self-soothing - much more healthy and positive impacting (but still are hamster wheel/repetitive/habit/neural pathway activities) - become the new "go-to" practices. In othe…

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Enhance sobriety by knowing which "Stage(s) of change" you are at in your Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery 8:14

10M ago8:14

8:14

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre If you understand The Stages of Change, may be you will not be so hard on yourself and be liberated! May be you are not defective, weak, a worse case, a hopeless case or an unfixable case. Stop beating yourself up, since you are facing the same Relapses as tho…

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Sex & Tech - Slippery slope that ends badly for those with Sex & Porn Addiction 11:19

10M ago11:19

11:19

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre I need only a few words to summary this episode. The slippery slope of mis-using Technology, will always cost you more than you had bargained, in many aspects of life. The world of AI, VR, Silicone full size sex dolls (childlike or sex slave like), will take y…

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Porn & Sex Addicts re-wire their brain - a little at time 10:32

11M ago10:32

10:32

Send us a text - On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre "Sticks & stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me". That's not true! words do hurt. That means positive words can heal wounds. Hence, the basis for reciting "Pillars" - which are words that are spoken over yourself three times a day, every day. …