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Dear Villains, I, the Evil Engineer, have received your letters and although I am incredibly busy with my Evil Engineering obligations, I have recognised the importance of sharing my Evil expertise with the villainous community. Whether your questions pertain to incendiary seagulls or plunging the earth into eternal darkness, I, The Evil Engineer, will deliver informed advice on your most evil ambitions.Yours,The Evil Engineer
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Dear Evil Engineer: Could I plunge Earth into an eternal winter?
7:36
7:36
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7:36
This polar bear has had it with global warming ruining its habitat, Can it flip the tables on humanity? Dear Evil Engineer, I am a resentful and wealthy polar bear. You can only imagine the trauma my species has experienced; it wasn’t long after the hunting stopped that our habitat started melting away into the ocean. We’re sick to the (very large)…
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Dear Evil Engineer: Should I impress my date by engineering a unicorn?
7:40
7:40
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7:40
A lovestruck villain would like to engineer the ideal romantic gift. Dear Evil Engineer, For 35 years, I have considered myself a strong, independent villain who doesn’t need a partner in crime, but I have recently become smitten with someone I met at my local farmers’ market. She is gorgeous, funny, has a fluffy white cat, and makes the best beetr…
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Dear Evil Engineer: Could I build a solid gold castle?
7:11
7:11
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7:11
This month, the Evil Engineer breaks some bad news to a villain who wants to live out their retirement like El Dorado. Dear Evil Engineer, After a long and lucrative career in real estate, I am ready to put my wealth to good use. I would like to build myself a castle from gold, à la El Dorado. When I say gold, I should specify that I mean solid gol…
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Dear Evil Engineer: Could I pick off tourists near my house with a microwave weapon?
7:39
7:39
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7:39
A directed-energy weapon could deter dawdling tourists, but your energy would be better spent throwing stuff. Dear Evil Engineer, Five years ago, I hung up the white cat and retired to a pleasant village in the Cotswolds. Unfortunately, this village has been flung to unwanted prominence as the location used for filming a hit period drama series. Li…
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Dear Evil Engineer: Could I fire-bomb my office with a flock of incendiary seagulls?
7:46
7:46
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This month’s correspondent is determined not to return to the office, even if that necessitates using hundreds of gulls to burn it to the ground. Dear Evil Engineer, If I were in senior management, I’d insist office-based working is essential for employee productivity and company culture. However, I am not, and I refuse to tolerate the proposed ret…
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Dear Evil Engineer: Can I put sunglasses on the Earth and plunge it into darkness?
8:06
8:06
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8:06
This episode, a lonesome correspondent seeks advice on how to force the rest of the world to join them in the dark. Dear Evil Engineer, I am a creature of darkness, by which I mean that I am nocturnal. I suffer from extraordinary light sensitivity, which forces me to restrict my waking hours to between dusk and dawn. This is of great inconvenience …
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Dear Evil Engineer: Unsafe and sound: Can I wreck havoc using sound waves?
8:19
8:19
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8:19
Exploding skulls are beyond the realm of practical possibility, but there is plenty of mischief to be done through the medium of sound. Dear Evil Engineer, On account of a particularly contrived origin story involving a marching band, an unrequited love and traumatic public humiliation, I emerged as a villain who commits crimes using music. I have …
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Dear Evil Engineer: How many leopards do I need to heat my home?
8:02
8:02
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8:02
The Evil Engineer weighs up the environmental credentials of carnivorous domestic heating systems. Dear Evil Engineer, I am frustrated by the lack of leadership on climate action, particularly regarding low-hanging fruit such as boosting the energy efficiency of housing stock. I ask myself: what can I do to prevent the Earth becoming uninhabitable …
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Dear Evil Engineer: Could I steal a lake to top up my shark-infested moat?
6:52
6:52
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6:52
The Evil Engineer turns their attention to a booming area of villainy: water theft. Dear Evil Engineer, Earlier this year I bought a derelict castle. I’ve been busy with upkeep, dealing with a bat infestation (the previous owner had chased them out) and fixing the dungeon (it had been converted into a yoga and wellness studio). The final addition w…
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Dear Villains, I have received your letters and although I am incredibly busy with my Evil Engineering obligations, I have recognised the importance of sharing my Evil expertise with the villainous community. Whether your questions pertain to incendiary seagulls or plunging the earth into eternal darkness, I, The Evil Engineer, will deliver informe…
…
continue reading
