The Truth Many Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)

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The Truth Many Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)

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The Truth Therapists Don’t Tell You: How to Protect Your Kids From a Narcissistic Parent (Without Fueling More Drama)

Episode Summary

You’ve been told to “keep the peace for the kids.”
But what if that advice — the one therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating — is actually teaching your child to ignore their own intuition?

In this episode, Christy Jade breaks down the truth most professionals avoid: you cannot co-parent with a narcissist. You’ll learn how to stop over-accommodating, document every interaction, and teach your child emotional safety without turning them into your confidant. It’s time to protect both your peace and your child’s nervous system while modeling real, grounded strength.

If you’ve ever felt stuck trying to “stay civil” while your ex keeps creating chaos, this episode will help you see what real peace looks like — and how to hold it.

What You’ll Learn

Why traditional co-parenting advice doesn’t work with narcissists
How old conditioning keeps you accommodating — and how to stop
The importance of documenting every interaction and using third-party apps
How to model calm authority and emotional safety for your kids

Your Next Step in Healing

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TRANSCRIPT:

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Queens. I am so excited for this episode. This actually was created because a client of mine and I were talking about this topic and she said, you need to make this an episode. So when y'all speak, I listen. Alright, so you've been told to keep the peace for the kids, right? I'm sure many of you have heard that, but what if that very advice, the ones, many therapists and co-parenting experts keep repeating, is actually quietly teaching your child to ignore their own intuition. So today I'm going to break down the real truth about how to protect your kids from a narc co-parent without losing your sanity or ending up back in court. So let's talk about the advice. Most professionals are too afraid to give you.

(00:54)
Have you finally broken free from that narcissist creepy crawly web, but still feel stuck in fear? Wish you could trust yourself again and take your life back. Well, you're in the right place, queen. I'm Christie, wife, mom, and narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I've walked the messy road, wasted money on the wrong therapist and dry advice and how to come to Jesus moment to get me here to feel free. I had to reconnect with me, set boundaries that stuck and find healing methods that actually lasted. Now, I've created a plan that's empowering, doable, and yes, even fun because I'm sparkly and fun. So of course it's going to be fun. So if you're ready to break cycles, reclaim your peace and trust yourself again, this podcast is for you. So steep, that chamomile tea, silence, all that crazy chaos out there, and let's cue your royal glow up.

(01:52)
All right, it's Christie Jade. Today's episode might ruffle a few feathers. We're talking about something I see every single week with my clients, the pressure to keep things smooth with a narcissistic co-parent, even when it's slowly destroying your peace and your child's sense of safety. So yes, obviously we don't want to trigger narcissists into pop-off mode, okay? That's not my point here. But here's the hard truth. Most parenting advice out there does not apply when the other parent is a narcissist. You cannot co-parent with someone who loves chaos, control and manipulation. You can parallel parent, and even then you need to do it with strong ass boundaries and rock solid documentation, which I've talked about on this podcast, right? But today we're going to cut through the guilt, the conditioning, and the miss, okay? You're going to walk away knowing what it looks like to protect your child and yourself legally, emotionally, and energetically without ending up back in court.

(03:02)
But no guarantees. I'm not a lawyer, okay? I am just your favorite little truth telling queen with a mic. But we're going to do our best here together. Okay? So first of all, the lie you've been sold, you've been told that kids need both parents equally. You've been told to be flexible. Take the high road, keep communication fully open. But when one parent is toxic or narcissistic in our cases, the advice is actually dangerous because flexibility becomes a weapon. So keeping the peace becomes another way of saying keep walking on eggshells, and you'll see what I'm saying here. But yes, we want to keep the peace in the way of, we want our peace to be protected, but keeping the peace in the general way that many experts will tell you how to do will not work in our situation. Okay? So the truth is, you were conditioned to accommodate the narcissist.

(04:08)
They conditioned you to accommodate them, right? Even after court orders are in place, you may still feel that conditioning. You may still have it even after the chaos nearly broke you. You were trained to minimize their reactions, but that conditioning doesn't just affect you. Your kids feel it and then suffer from it. So your kids are learning from your energy. Kids are intuitive, right? They feel what's happening in the room before they can fully grasp it, even the younger ones. So when you tense up every time a message comes through from your ex, when you overexplain or give in just to keep the peace, they learn that love or relationship means shrinking yourself to stay safe. They don't know the complexities of your relationship with this person. So they're watching you shrink to stay safe, but you were given that mama energy, that protective mama bear energy for a reason. You were chosen to break this pattern, right? Your kids do not need a perfect parent. They need a calm, grounded one who teaches them what real safety feels like because they're not going to get that from little narky narc. Okay? So that starts with one powerful shift. Are you ready? Write it down. Write on your forehead. Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace.

(05:53)
Okay? Stop accommodating dysfunction in the name of peace. True peace is not built on fear. That's performative peace. Okay? We want true peace for you and your child. So you've got to cut these cords that are still attached to your ex. Okay? I'm going to say this with a little love and a little holy fire. You need to hear it straight. And you know I'm a straight shooter. The narcissist conditioned you to accommodate, right? They trained you to make yourself small, to over explain, to be nice, to keep them calm, maybe even when it was costing you your sanity. And here's the truth, you might've left the relationship, but the programming, it's still running the show. You broke free physically, you're out of the home with them, but emotionally, you're still doing the dance. So let me ask you, why are you still accommodating them?

(07:00)
Why are you bending, explaining, overthinking every reply like you owe them something you don't. You owe you something. You owe your child something. You owe them the version of you that doesn't flinch at chaos anymore. You've done the hardest part, you got out. Now it's time to cut the final chords. So stop letting their energy dictate your piece. Stop modeling compliance as cooperation, okay? When you keep accommodating the narcissist, all of their little, even if you have the legal papers and they add this and that into it and make you go a little above or you feel a little bad, oh, it's their father, it's this. You're teaching your child the same survival pattern you are trying to unlearn.

(07:53)
Okay? So here's the mic drop moment here for you, okay? Do not condition your child to do what you did. You got out for a reason. Do not condition your child to do what you did. They deserve to see what calm power looks like. They deserve to see you walk in your authority, not your fear. You're a queen, right? Put on your authority crown. All right? I got to calm down after that one. Woo. It's getting hot in here. So what does that non accommodation actually look like? You're like, that's great, Christie, how do I do that? Well, I'm going to tell you, alright, so without giving the narcissist ammo to drag you back in court, right? And again, I'm not a lawyer, but there's things we can do and documenting everything is very important. So we'll get there. So non accommodation does not mean being rude or reactive, right?

(08:55)
I'm not saying yell at them, curse at them, call them names. It means being firm consistent. I'm going to say that for the people in the back. I know a lot of you lost consistency because of how you're conditioned. Consistent. That means if you set a boundary, you stick to it, you heard and detached, which I know that can be hard, but if you want the peace you say you're begging for and the peace for your child, then you need to listen. Okay? You stick to the agreements, you stop explaining. You let their discomfort be their problem. So let's do a few examples what that actually looks like. Let's say there's a video call. You have a court order. It says you have one regular call per week, right? You just have a call per week. It doesn't save it's audio, video it just as a call.

(09:48)
He's demanding video calls because the child owes him FaceTime. Here's your reply. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. So if it's not listed as video, you're safe. If it is, you might have to accommodate that because it's through the legal system, but often they will add little things. That's my point here. They will add nuances to have control. That's it though. No emotion, no apology, no justification. There needs to be no explanation of well, blah, blah, blah, blah. Per our agreement, calls are scheduled once a week by phone. That's it. Then the guilt trip, extra time request. I know many who have had this, he suddenly demands extra time for a family birthday that isn't scheduled. If you want to let them do that, go ahead. But if you're dealing with a narc, you probably don't and you want to take your power back, then you respond. That's not part of our current schedule. We'll follow the plan. He threatens court. Okay, well, you're documenting everything now. You're on a third party app, you stay calm, you follow the order.

(11:04)
So what about when your child doesn't want to talk or go? And this is tough because legally they have to, right? They're required if they have the required visits or talks, and this is when your heart probably aches the most, but it's also your biggest teaching moment. When you get those pangs, I want you to start viewing them as, oh, I need to do the right thing. This is a big teaching moment for my child, okay? Validate your child first and foremost. It's okay. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable. That is the first thing you say to them. It's understandable and that you feel uncomfortable. And then you teach them grounding, even for little ones. Deep breaths. When you feel like this and you take your breaths, I could do a whole other episode probably on this, how to teach children, grounding young children, hand on chest, deep breath, name what they're feeling.

(12:11)
I'm feeling it could be even my brain feels chaotic. Well, they might not say chaotic, but dizzy or I feel sad, or I have my chest feels tight, right? Don't force them to override their own body to appease a toxic adult. Don't say, oh, it's fine, it's fine, right? That's the old generation. I love ya mama. But that was what I got, right? Oh, it's fine. Everything's fine. It's not fine. It's okay. And understandable. They feel this way because they're dealing with a narcissist. You don't have to tell them they're a narcissist. We'll get to that. But you teach them, and that's something you may have lost along the way. And then condition to throw out the window to the benefit of the narcissist. And the narcissist will never model for them. They won't teach them that this is your job, okay? You teach them and being okay with having feelings. So here's the part.

(13:23)
Not everybody, not every therapist, not every coach will tell you about documenting and detaching. A lot of lawyers, I guess will, but not everyone thinks of all of it. So here's where we move from emotional to strategic, because when you're dealing with an arc, documentation, is your armor okay? It's very important. I know it's a pain in the butt. Too bad. Mama's getting real here. You don't just keep your boundaries, you have to keep the receipts with them. Every single interaction, right? That's why I'm saying third party app, family wizard or talking parents document any texts, they send any email, you don't respond to those. You only respond via the third party app. If you can. Hopefully that's in your decrees. If not, maybe you can add it to that. It is very important to use third party apps if possible. Okay? But either way, document all the texts, emails, quick questions, pick up issue, screenshot it then, right?

(14:22)
If you don't have it on the third party yet, date it, save it. Have a little folder on your phone, okay? And the third party apps, timestamp everything and make it impossible for them to twist your words. Here's one that may be difficult for you guys. Some of you do not text or call casually. This is where the danger truly happens. This is where they bait you and gaslight you. Okay? We do everything in writing so it can be seen, documented, no casual calls, no talking about anything but your child and your child's needs. Or it will be used against you if you're dealing with a narcissist, it will be used against you. It's a matter of time if it hasn't already, okay? Keep it short and factual per the agreement. Child X will call at 7:00 PM or pickup is at 4:00 PM as stated, or I'll refer to the court order.

(15:27)
No emotional language, no, I feel no, please, just clarity every word, every extra word. Actually we want to stick to the facts. Anything over that, any extra wording is an opening for them to manipulate. I want you to think about that. Get that in your head. Imagine all the facts there, right? Pick up at four. If you say pick up at four because X, y, z, and this happened and all of that, they take, they store, they use against you. Don't give them anything extra that's so important. You guys and your child is watching you model in a calm power. Even if they don't know the details exactly what's going on. When you work this way and function this way, you are calmer and they will feel that you're teaching them that boundaries don't have to mean conflict, they mean safety. Your child and you both need safety.

(16:31)
Alright? So then protecting your child's beautiful nervous system. Look, they have a parent that's a narcissist. They're going to have to learn this. And this is a part I think people don't want to talk about. We feel guilty. We say, oh, how did I put them in this situation? Okay, let's move off the guilt train guys. Let's get in the now we're here. It happened, you got out. Great job. Your child is the child of a narcissist. So your job is to help protect their nervous system. One of the best things you can do, and this is the piece, not all therapists, not everyone talks about right? When your child interacts with a narcissistic parent, their nervous system will go into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And you can't control what happens at their house, at your ex's house. But you can teach regulation for your child, what they can do with how their body feels, paying attention to how their body feels. You're setting them up with tools that will be lifelong help, whether it's with their narc parent or someone else in their future. So show them how to take deep breaths when they feel scared. Name what feels off. Let them name it. Teach them you can love someone and still have limits. And then reassure them. They don't have to fix anyone's feelings. Not even a parent truth bomb, not even yours.

(18:18)
This is a good segue for what I also want to talk about because first of all, you're not best friends. I get it. We want to be close with our kids. That's great. It's not their job to take on our damn feelings and all the details of what your ex has done. That is toxic shit. And I'm not here for it. And you shouldn't either. You shouldn't be here for it. Talk to a friend, go have a martini and talk about it. But you do not talk trash about the other parent to your child or share adult details of what's happening.

(18:54)
They're not your friend. They're a child who needs guidance, not your gossip. I know it's hard. I get it. I do get it. I get it. We want to tell the whole world about the awful narcs. I get it. But saying your dad's a narcissist doesn't protect them, especially when they're young. It can confuse them and burden them. But instead, and I get it, you want to set them up, but that's to the next point. Instead, teach them to notice behaviors and trust their inner compass. So if dad does start guilt tripping or love bombing, right? But they'll tell you about it. This is where you say, how did that make you feel? What do you think you need right now? Help them become a little therapist. I love therapy and I want anything I've said about some therapists don't know. That's my experience, that not all therapists want to talk about certain things. And I think they work for establishments that have certain rules and so they have certain things they may or may not get into, but I'm free to get into whatever the hell I want. So here I am. But anyway, yes, you're creating little therapists asking the open-ended questions. How did that make you feel? What did you think you need right now? And you can teach them to ask themselves this in those moments. So when you're not there, this is very important. You can't always be there.

(20:32)
You're not going to be at the narcs house. You're not going to be with them when they're out with their friends, when they're 18 years old, when they're off to college. So teaching them to ask themselves these questions as well. Guide them toward emotional awareness, not judgment. How am I feeling? What do I need? Maybe I need to take a few breaths and then maybe I need to just walk outside for a few minutes. And maybe they want to have opportunities to do every single thing they want to do when they're in the narcs control because the narcs controlling, they might not let them walk outside, but maybe they can go sit and journal, keep it, have a locked journal.

(21:18)
They can take the deep breaths. That's how you help them build discernment without shame. We do not want to shame them for their feelings. It's discerning. So you're not teaching them to disrespect their parent or ignore their parent. It's discerning. And then being able to self-manage and cope with having a narcissistic parent. And that lesson will protect them for life. I do feel like I need to go more into this. I need an episode. Let me know in my Facebook group if you'd like that episode or you can email me. So let's wrap it up here. This is a long 21 minutes. Woo. We're doing it. So you were not called to raise a peacekeeper. Exactly, yes, we want peace, but not in a people pleasing way.

(22:19)
You want to raise a truth teller and a truth teller, it doesn't have to be a mean disrespectful calling out truth teller, but it's someone who knows their truth. The truth is self-aware and also can self-soothe, can help their own nervous system. And the way you model these things is by being one yourself. Yay. Look at all that work full circle. So when you stop accommodating toxicity and you're showing them that, so when they are older, they see that my 11-year-old daughter, she's a narc professional. I mean, she knows the work I do. So she knows it's narcissistic and she's older and understands more, not about specific people, but just how to deal with certain behaviors. That's the most important thing. She recognizing what manipulation is, she recognizes what gaslighting is. She recognizes when it's even just a toxic, not a two-way street. She dumped a friend because they would never compromise just with playing games at recess. It was always what they wanted, what they wanted. And she said, you know what? I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't compromise. She literally said that to them and that was the end. And now she has a very, very sweet, best friend that it's all give and take. Very thoughtful. So not exactly narc related, but showing you what you do. They see, they see and they hear and they feel everything. They were sponges, right?

(24:06)
So when you accommodate this toxicity, or stop, I guess I'll say, when you stop accommodating it, you're not starting a war, but you're ending the cycle. Your kids will thank you because not because you kept everyone happy, because you can't do that, not with a narc, but because you showed them what healthy actually feels like. You're not going to have complete peace all the time, but you can have peace inside of yourself and you can teach your child to learn to have peace inside of themself. And you don't make peace by bending over backwards when you've already got rules in place, right? Let's uncondition that. How do you do that? I don't know. Have you ever heard of Christie Jade? She does some coaching, she does some somatic healing.

(25:09)
I will choke in my spit. That's what I'll do. Excuse me. I got so excited about working with you now. I'll always put in my show notes the ways to work with me. I have such amazing clients and right now we are doing really powerful work. I've got some clients who are heavier on the coaching and a little somatic, and then I've got some who are heavier on the somatic, depending where you are in your journey. And the somatic is that's healing from the body. And that is the deeper internal work that is really that long lasting healing because it's your body remembers and you are retraining all of what we're talking about here, uncondition, what's been done. And it is mind blowing until you really do it. You don't totally get it. But please come sign up for a session with me. I have very limited spaces.

(26:04)
I will say that I actually still, I have to write back to someone who wrote, there was no spots in the next coming weeks. But, so I will open up a couple spots because I know it's holiday time and the narcs come out wild, so I know you all need it. So I'll open up a couple extra spots and I have monthly and a three month transformation coaching and somatic healing, which is, that is for the people who are here to just rise up out of where you are and completely your life. So I'll put all of that information there in the show notes. And I also have a, which is really relevant for this, if you just want to check out something simple, I have My Empowered Boundaries course. So you want to talk about boundaries that goes deep into how to have the energy around that, what to say and do, how to have the conversations.

(27:10)
It is really epic. So you can purchase My Empowered Boundaries course too. I'll put that in the show notes. Alright, and then like I said, join my free Facebook community. It's private full of women just like you. And come in there, say hi. Tell me if you want that all about Kids Grounding Podcast episode. And there's also a Boundaries Pocket Guide that's free, that'll be in the notes. And I will see you on Thursday. We will do a little Somatic Healing on Thursday's episodes. Don't forget to follow my podcast wherever you are listening and I'll see you on Thursday. Love you, bye.

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