Best Ross OCarrollKelly The Podcasts (2025)

1
I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens 6:53

Play Pause

6d ago6:53

6:53

I’m like, “Bray?” And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!” I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours. irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’ 6:16

13d ago6:16

6:16

So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?” irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’ 5:42

20d ago5:42

5:42

Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals 6:20

27d ago6:20

6:20

Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?” Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses.... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up 6:34

1M ago6:34

6:34

“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’ 6:35

1M ago6:35

6:35

My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’ 6:48

2M ago6:48

6:48

So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more …

1
Honor is staring at Brett like he’s an ATM and she’s sitting in a JCB, trying to work the levers 6:17

2M ago6:17

6:17

Brett asks me what she was like when she was younger. I’m like, “Who?” He goes, “Our mother.” And it’s random because I’ve never thought of the old dear ever being – like he said – young. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘That picture The Last Supper is weird. They’re all sitting on the same side of the table’ 6:33

2M ago6:33

6:33

So – yeah, no – I grab a stick of Heinemite from the fridge and I ask Sorcha, “Who’s the kid in the bow tie?” The reason I ask is because I don’t trust kids in bow ties. I’m on the record as saying that putting a bow tie on any human being turns him straight away into an insufferable dickhead. We’re talking nightclub bouncers. We’re talking wine wa…

1
Honor goes, ‘I’m editing the school yearbook photographs of anyone who pissed me off’ 5:57

2M ago5:57

5:57

Honor is sitting at her computer doing fock knows what? Although I’d be shocked if it was homework. I’m there, “Honor, I need you to brace yourself – for some news.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Imagine no possessions. I wonder if you can,’ the old dear sings. Her earrings cost more than my cor 6:15

3M ago6:15

6:15

She’s sitting in the window of the, whatever you want to call it, nursing home, playing the piano – badly, I might add – and I get a sudden flashback to my childhood. This is what she did whenever we had, like, visitors coming to the gaff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘I most certainly do have an American accent,’ I tell my supposed half-brother. ‘I’m from south Dublin’ 6:13

3M ago6:13

6:13

For, like, 30 seconds, I’m as quiet as Thomond Pork since 2019 and the dude ends up having to repeat himself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I hate my children too. Like, how could three kids of mine turn out to be such dicks?’ 6:27

3M ago6:27

6:27

So it’s, like, Paddy’s Day and me and the goys have arranged to go for our usual walk on Killiney Hill with the kids. They’re already waiting for us in the cor pork – we’re talking JP with little Isa, we’re talking Fionn with Hillary, we’re talking Christian with Ross Junior and Oliver and we’re talking Oisinn with little Paavo. Hosted on Acast. Se…

1
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak 7:01

3M ago7:01

7:01

Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks. But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’ 6:11

4M ago6:11

6:11

“The fock is this?” I go. Yeah, no, I’m doing the morning school run, crawling up Trees Road in a procession of all-terrain vehicles, like an invading ormy, when Honor hands me a piece of paper. She goes, “It’s, like, my results – from, like, my mocks? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout' 6:25

4M ago6:25

6:25

Conor Hession sits on the terrace, nursing a vodka lorge enough to put a grizzly bear to sleep. He’s like, “She was quite the most conniving, the most calculating, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’ 6:19

4M ago6:19

6:19

Sorcha rings me and there’s an air of, like, panic in her voice? She goes, “Ross, where are you?” Yeah, no, we’re in Portugal for midterm – along with the rest of south Dublin – and I’m on the road from Quinta do Lago to Vilamoura. Although I don’t tell her that. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’ 6:16

4M ago6:16

6:16

Sorcha goes, “This is exciting, isn’t it, Ross?” because – yeah, no – we’re having dinner in Iguazu, a new hipster restaurant on Camden Street, where there’s no actual menu and an algorithm chooses what you’re going to eat based on the answers you provide to 10 questions when you’re booking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more informati…

1
‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’ 6:06

5M ago6:06

6:06

Dalisay says she’s in the pool. I’m like, “The pool?” “Yes,” she goes. “Your mother likes to swim every morning. Would you like to see her?” I’m there, “In a way, no? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.” I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym. Hosted on Acast. See aca…

1
When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’ 6:13

5M ago6:13

6:13

The Broken Orms is absolutely packed to the rafters for the engagement porty of Tina, the mother of my firstborn, to Tom, her fireman boyfriend, who famously played 300 matches in the All Ireland League, albeit for Bornhall. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold 6:02

5M ago6:02

6:02

So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go a…

1
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me 6:03

5M ago6:03

6:03

Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’ 6:27

6M ago6:27

6:27

It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information…

1
‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’ 6:09

6M ago6:09

6:09

The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer 5:53

6M ago5:53

5:53

So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’ 6:20

7M ago6:20

6:20

The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’ 5:50

7M ago5:50

5:50

Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’ 6:22

7M ago6:22

6:22

So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’ 6:13

7M ago6:13

6:13

Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor. I’m there, “Tough day at school?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’ 5:53

7M ago5:53

5:53

There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’ 6:02

8M ago6:02

6:02

Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’ 5:50

8M ago5:50

5:50

So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more infor…

1
‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’ 6:19

8M ago6:19

6:19

Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account 6:41

8M ago6:41

6:41

JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’ 6:10

9M ago6:10

6:10

Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’ 6:59

9M ago6:59

6:59

Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them 6:56

9M ago6:56

6:56

Driving through the gates of University College Dublin (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’ 6:27

9M ago6:27

6:27

So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh noth…

1
The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’ 6:13

10M ago6:13

6:13

I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster 6:34

10M ago6:34

6:34

Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’ 6:34

10M ago6:34

6:34

It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag 6:11

10M ago6:11

6:11

It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.…

1
It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th 6:14

10M ago6:14

6:14

Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’ 6:29

11M ago6:29

6:29

So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’ 6:16

11M ago6:16

6:16

Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before. I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?” She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.” I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bi…

1
Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’ 6:40

11M ago6:40

6:40

I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now complete…

1
‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’ 6:08

11M ago6:08

6:08

I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting 6:13

12M ago6:13

6:13

Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’ 6:33

12M ago6:33

6:33

If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

1
Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’ 6:11

12M ago6:11

6:11

Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.