*** FREE BONUS CONTENT PREVIEW AT THE END OF TODAY'S EPISODE | PLEASE CONSIDER JOINING PATREON *** There's only so many ways to make a pickle... pretty sure that's all you need to know. Let's talk about that, what to do when someone starts talking to you during a movie, sticking things in your butt while your dad takes a shower, slamming your dong …

What position did you play?! Let's talk about that, the implications of having one arm that's an entire foot longer than your other arm, lonely people caring way too much about their Roomba vacuums, all the different "laws" that people use to navigate society, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and ac…

IT'S SIMPLE. DO YOU WANT A GUN AND DRY TOES, OR NO GUN AND WET TOES?! Let's talk about that, how much would it cost to have a peacock as a pet, trying to convince your partner that your favorite show isn't more violent than her favorite show, talking in a cartoon character's voice during sexy time, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! ***…

If your car was stolen from your driveway and you just happen to find the exact same car you had stolen posted for sale online 70 miles away... would that raise any red flags? Or would you just be pumped you found the same exact car online and buy it immediately? Let's talk about that, having to be rescued while hiking the same mountain TWICE in 4 …

What would you do if you were babysitting, the kid you're babysitting asked you to check under the bed for monsters, then when you do check there's a FUCKING PERSON ACTUALLY UNDER THE BED?! Let's talk about that, the fastest little wiener dog in the world, why is everyone throwing popcorn around the movie theatre, asking your mom to buy you present…

Is there anything more romantic than having some sloppy anal sex next a pile of used heroine needles? Let's talk about that, how fun it would be to be buried alive, using a dead mouse to stop a co-worker from stealing your frozen burritos, doing lots of a little things to get revenge when you're upset with your partner, and more on today's episode …

A lot of our lives depend on having an internet connection, but have you ever tried to kill your mom because the Wifi got turned off? Let's talk about that, sharing dick tattoos with your coworkers, how does laundry detergent continue to get more powerful, having to address shady conversations you hear in public, and more on today's episode of Can …

Everyone likes to have their ear nibbled on a little bit during sexy time. It feels pretty dang nice. But what if we added a harmonica to the mix? Let's talk about that, a prankster that doesn't quite understand the limits of a prank, running against your sibling in a political race, trying to talk a stranger into letting their child tickle your fe…

If you had magic semen that could cure any disease in the world... would you walk around children's hospitals and be a hero, or would you avoid them because... you know... that could get very awkward? Let's talk about that, Bryan getting flipped off everywhere he goes, what some evil piece of shit did in an Orlando airport, why can't anyone figure …

If you had to take a blind guess, how much do you think someone could sell a couple severed, dog-vomit covered human toes for on the black market? Never thought that would be a question we would ask ahead of today's episode. Let's talk about that, what Joe is really thinking about when riding in the car, probably the most messed up use for AI thus …

When you think of having the ideal birthday, I bet you picture that day involving cleaning up someone else's poop all day long, right? Perfect. Let's talk about that, hiding milk in your school's ceiling tiles, dirty talking during sex about mashed potatoes, where the f***k did the Moses Lake fountain go, and more on today's episode of Can You Don'…

Bryan pissed the bed. Let's talk about that, trying to reason with criminals over splitting lottery winnings because they stole your credit card to buy said winning lottery ticket, an insane giant mega-cube that houses over 400,000 people, how Bryan actually pissed the bed, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The…

Did you know that for just a few hundred dollars, you can have a stranger on Etsy do a magic spell that will make your penis bigger or have the person of your choosing act like a sissy little cum slut? Let's talk about that, going to jail for your birthday, all the different phobias that people have, the best baby name to ever exist, and more on to…

We're not sure who needs to hear this but... if you're looking to blast a bunch of meth over a wall and into a prison, using a high-powered, air cannon isn't going to be the quietest option available. Let's talk about that, an elderly neighbor planning on throwing a Goddamn rager, how much is light is too much light in your garage, discovering that…

Picture yourself out on a nice date at a local watering hole with that special someone. However, this particular bar is located on death row so everyone has to overlook the executions. Yikes. Let's talk about that, a couple's dispute about aggressive road rage, a completely tone-deaf commercial about helping homeless children, an insurance company …

Well everyone... Bryan's vacation to Mexico ended in a way that we've all feared could happen to us. Let's talk about that, someone's dong getting stuck to the sidewalk during a bar fight, Joe getting yelled at by his neighbor, saving some lives because you happen to be a professional jump roper, living in the middle of a freeway because you got a …

Nomination for "Best Friend" of the year: He tricks into getting a sex change and then threatens to kill your dad if you don't marry him! Let's talk about that, the best way to find out if your computer is on fire, sitting down with your mom to watch a video of you cumming all over yourself, all the facts you could ever want about dogs, and more on…

How would you react if you had some wild, spontaneous sex with your partner while out drinking on the town... only to find out the next morning that the building ya'll were pounding against was a rape and abuse crises center? Let's talk about that, having to wear a magic fanny pack 24/7, being so good at fishing that you're able to save a drowning …

We learn a new life lesson today everyone! If you have a severe nut allergy, don't let someone nut inside you because if that someone ate nuts, that nut contain nuts. That's nuts! Let's talk about that, a payphone that only plays fucking bird sounds, having someone drink whiskey off your knockers then piss their bed, telling your boss you had sex w…

Would you ruin someone's life anonymously in order to avoid embarrassing yourself in front of over 120 million people? Let's talk about that, yanking the driver's steering wheel to avoid a potential bad situation, letting all the prisoners out so they can go celebrate the new year, ending a relationship over how they cook hamburgers, and more on to…

How many porn searches does it take to make "enema" the top searched term for an entire state in 2024?! Let's talk about that, forgetting your child's big Christmas gift back home in the closet while on a family vacation, what the ugliest shark in the world would sound like if it could talk, time trialing the best way to fold socks, and more on tod…

Is there anything worse than making a clever joke, someone doesn't get it, then you have to spend the next few minutes explaining why the joke was funny but now no one cares and everyone is sad? Let's talk about that, how many people are actually millionaires in the USA, the worst place to get caught while calling out sick from work, finding out th…

You know when you're out in public and you can easily tell someone is going to be a problem? Well, Joe had an experience in a Verizon store he would like to share with you. Let's talk about that, having to chew your food for five minutes every single bite, why the heck are 'Lords a Leaping' so dang expensive, a thrilling dining experience so long a…

Are you a fan of musicals? What if you had to basically live inside one for the rest of your life? Let's talk about that, the nicest airline pilot of all the time, trying to fight a polar bear in order to save your wife but still get in trouble for not doing the dishes, how much jerking off is too much jerking off, and more on today's episode of Ca…

Would you pay someone money to call you 'bro' online? How about steal from your family and drain your entire life savings to get someone to call you 'bro' online? Let's talk about that, having to eat babies, a new drink that supposedly tastes just like mayonnaise, getting pregnant by using the air vent while in prison, and more on today's episode o…

If you're ever in some financial trouble, just promise us you won't hire a friend to dress up in a bear costume and destroy your luxury vehicles for insurance money. Let's talk about that, sucking an old man's ween in hopes of hearing an entertaining tale, getting arrested because your asshole kid wont get in the damn car, an automatic car cover th…

Remember that time you accidentally ordered over $600 in f*cking pizza? No? Just Joe? Let's talk about that, tasing an old lady because she wouldn't put down a steak knife, modifying your microwave for sexual reasons, the best son in the world, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the ext…

Who hasn't done some drunk shopping on Amazon, amirite? But have you ever accidentally spent $25,000 when you thought you were spending $250? Let's talk about that, a town that uses rollercoasters in place of public transportation, getting blasted in a Walmart parking lot drinking wine out of a Pringles can, getting billed by the ambulance that hit…

If there's ever a perfect time to unintentionally blast the podcast out of your car door for a random polygamist woman to hear... it's when Bryan is screaming about having to finger little kid buttholes. Let's talk about that, accidentally killing your fiancé's brother, getting trapped in your basement because you're old, what crazy shit would you …

Let us walk you through an alternative universe... where you are doing back-alley deals with local sperm banks in order to fill a bucket full of semen so you can clean your butthole. We'll explain. Let's talk about that, some crazy sh*t going down in a Sonic parking lot, accidentally buying tickets to see Alabama when you meant to go see Alabama, a…

It's hard to imagine surviving a fall from 100 feet, let alone surviving a fall from 650 feet into a volcano! Let's talk about that, a doctor that refuses to wear gloves while touching your junk, being locked into a gym membership for life, sticking your finger inside a mall Santa's butthole in order to make him talk, and more on today's episode of…

Remember that time you were sitting at home with your family and the robot vacuum started screaming racial slurs at everyone? It has happened. Let's talk about that, how annoying it would be to have to go bowling every single day, donating part of your liver to a complete stranger, your wife having sex with your brother, and more on today's episode…

Imagine finding something worth $100 million, not knowing what it's worth, then just putting it under your bed for a decade as you continue on with your boring life. Yikes. Let's talk about that, accidentally throwing away an art installation, finding your family pet 30 years after it went missing, how amazing it is that any of us get anywhere safe…

Have you ever been so high on mushrooms that you decided it was a good idea to cut your dick off with an axe? Let's talk about that, how many bugs we eat without knowing it, running a marathon with a goat, jerking off a silverback gorilla, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra co…

A little piece of advice. When strolling through an animal sanctuary, please refrain from grabbing a chicken from its nest and chucking it into an alligator pit. Let's talk about that, old things that should never be updated, grinding your junk on your grandparents, unknowingly telling the world how much you love Justin Bieber's new haircut, and mo…

Imagine it's a beautiful Sunday morning... you're at your favorite local coffee shop, looking out the window, and thinking about the great day ahead. Then, a man with half his head missing, walks down the street in front of you. Normal. Let's talk about that, fighting a clone of yourself to the death, throwing baby puffins off cliffs, making over 2…

Sometimes it's not enough to simply jam a vegetable up your butthole. Sometimes you need to find a way to get a stranger's motor vehicle involved in the process. Let's talk about that, a kid accidentally breaking an ancient jar in a museum, saying some stupid shit while in bed, learning that talking about your "perfect crime" isn't a good idea, and…

What would your reaction be if you were a firefighter and after saving a kid that was stuck in a swing, someone snuck up and stole your Jaws of Life machine? Let's talk about that, why no one seems to think there are any rules outside of grocery stores, being a complete dickhead to complete strangers ALL THE TIME, reading a book to a classroom whil…

How pissed would you be if you spent MONTHS looking for your family member that the hospital told you checked herself out... only to later find out she was actually dead the entire time? Let's talk about that, getting completely covered in pee and poo, blanketing the planet with giant mirrors to make more daylight hours, accidentally handing out ca…

Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad? Have you ever watched Deadliest Catch with your girlfriend's dad while your penis is inside his daughter's butthole? Let's talk about that, smashing your way into a Mexican restaurant to steal booze, accidentally allowing your child to watch por…

If every time you climaxed someone relate to you magically appeared in your room, would you still masturbate? Let's talk about that, robot cars losing their goddamn minds, Joe getting a comb flapped against his forehead while getting a haircut, a badass little kid saving his family during a tornado storm, and more on today's episode of Can You Don'…

How much do you love fruit? What if fruit could talk and tell you cool little secrets? Would you spend the next year of your life listening to random fruit in hopes that you get some life changing secrets? Let's talk about that, vibrating to the winner's circle, using geometry that involves your dong to win the Olympics, smoking a cigarette while s…

If you came across a dead body that was recently struck by a train... and the leg was now free-range... would you take a bite of it? Let's talk about that, a new children's show that we should probably start making, trying to pet a cat that's always on fire, sucking seeds out of the butt, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna bec…

We all gotta go someday... but if you were able to choose how you die I highly doubt it would involve chickens pecking food out of your mouth. Let's talk about that, going a little crazy over a bird trying to eat your daughter's French fries, getting a used diaper off Amazon, Bryan again bragging about how good he would be at sucking dong, and more…

There's nothing quite like taking the family out to dinner and the booth next to you is funneling margaritas into their assholes. Let's talk about that, trying to fly a kite at midnight in perfectly calm conditions, what the heck is with Montana and all their casino combo businesses, needing tokens from the government to watch porn, and more on tod…

Bryan wants to give Joe a rimjob. Joe definitely didn't write this episode description. Bryan can't read. Let's talk about that, splashing piss all over your girlfriend, getting so mad during online gaming that you pack a hammer and actually do something about it, Joe completely screwing up a jump off a bridge, and more on today's episode of Can Yo…

Can you imagine running out to warn others of an incoming storm... and then getting struck by lightning?! Let's talk about that, getting way too angry at youth sporting events, your coworker insisting on tickling you everyday, squirting an interesting concoction on women in order to talk to them, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** W…

Would you like to round-up to 9 butters today? Don't worry... if that made sense to you before hearing today's episode, that would be extra concerning. Let's talk about that, licking random stranger's hands before every handshake, the ugliest goat you will ever see, dropping your phone while trying to put on a new screen protecter, and more on toda…

What's the most amount of money you have ever blown on a carnival game? Could you imagine that number being YOUR ENTIRE LIFE SAVINGS?! Let's talk about that, super neat facts about sex, an edible drone blowing your cover during war, having huge eyeballs the older you get, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The G…

Have you ever hired someone to do some work around the house and it appears they cut every corner possible along the way? Let's talk about that, AirBnb renters literally taking your house from you, using lasers to scare off 12,000 geese, your windshield disappearing while you're driving down the freeway, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't…